Sunday, April 01, 2007

People piss me off.

Actually, lately, everything pisses me off.

My sister called and asked how I was doing. I think I summed it up nicely when I said, "I'm tired. I'm bored. I'm pissed at the world."

I can feel myself getting depressed.

I'm so mad that someone can just outright lie like that woman who caused the accident is doing. I'm hoping that she's just mistaken (we've realized that depending on how she worded things, she may not be lying, but would still be at fault). I'm so pissed that this may go on my record and my insurance rates may go up all because she failed to yield when she was supposed to. I'm trying to assume good intent and I'm thinking maybe she's mistaken, but I need to know exactly what she said to find out if she's outright lying or if she's admitting fault, but doesn't realize it.

Unfortunately, I have to wait on my new insurance claims rep to get back to me so I can find out exactly how she worded it (the difference between "green arrow" and "green light" changes the fault to hers). So I've been dying to find out this whole weekend, but we've had to wait. Dh tried calling to get the police report, but records won't open again until Monday.

I'm just pissed off at and disappointed with humanity in general right now. How could people not only act in a dangerous manner, but then lie about it? I know it sounds naive, but I'm shaken by it. I'm also feeling very "Why me" about the whole thing. I try to be a good person. I try to take responsibility for my actions. So why am I being saddled with this now?

On top of this, the military has stopped dh's pay and stopped paying our insurance. Dh is still active duty military. He will be for a while. We have no clue why they're doing this, so he's going to have to fight with the Finance office tomorrow. This is the military and nothing in the military is ever easy, so I'm sure he's going to have to jump through a ton of hoops before he gets any answers much less anything taken care of. Luckily, we have a nice savings, but our dental insurance is effectively gone and we all needed cleanings plus I had lots of work I wanted done before dh got out (yes, I'm one of the few folks my age who is still the not-so-proud owner of wisdom teeth that need to come out).

Add to all this the sleep study I had on Friday night. I didn't like the place. It was really nice, but they're not really there to analyze your sleep. They're there to prove you have sleep apnea. The mentality wasn't, "Let's see if you have sleep apnea," it was, "You have sleep apnea and we'll prove it. When we do, you'll get your CPAP machine from the XYZ company who supplies us with every single bit of information you see here." Problem is, I don't have sleep apnea. My doctor thought I might, but I knew I didn't. I agreed to the study because I want to find out what on earth is wrong with me. But this place doesn't seem to be about finding answers unless the answer is sleep apnea.

At one point, the tech explained how after they get enough apnea readings, usually after 2 hours, they'll come in and hook me up to the CPAP machine for another 5 hours. I told him, "Then I won't see you again. I'm pretty sure I don't have sleep apnea." He looked at me like I was crazy and asked, "Then why are you here?" Pardon me while I sigh.

I had all the electrodes stuck to me. I got very little sleep from which I woke often. And I was proven right. Aside from when one of the electrodes came off and the tech had to come in to fix that, I never saw him again. When he gave me the survey in the morning, he had crossed off the entire section about the CPAP.

Oh and Pesach (Passover) starts tomorrow. That means LOTS AND LOTS of cleaning. I'm not up for it. I'm so freaking tired right now. I just don't care.

So let's recap: I'm gaining weight, I'm tired, and I have nothing remotely resembling patience. We assume this is all because of my insomnia. Yet we still don't know what the hell is causing it and how to deal with it. Until we do, I will continue to be fat, exhausted and the world's worst mother. We have no income and no insurance and we don't know why. I was in an accident for which the responsible party is refusing to accept responsibility. That means that unless she wises up or the insurance company is actually willing to investigate (which I've been assured they most-likely will NOT do), I'm out the $500 deductible, I'll have this on my driving record and my insurance rates will go up. Oh and I need to clean my whole freaking house top to bottom and sort and remove lots and lots of food--foods that are staples of our diet.

Pardon my language, but there's no other way to put this: This fucking sucks!


Kamrin said...

Yup. That sucks! I love ya and think you are beautiful and a great mom!

Anonymous said...

You are far too hard on yourself (we all are). You are a beauiful person and a wonderful mom to three adorable children. Things will begin to look up - hang in there.