Long story, but I couldn't sleep last night, so I stayed up and thought a lot about my want/need for compliments.
I'm an artist. I post my work at various internet galleries. I completely admit that I check back repeatedly to see if there are any new comments and I get damn near giddy when there are. Yes, I am addicted to compliments.
I've always known this, but I'm only beginning to see how it affects me in more ways than I realize.
Now to those who know me IRL, this is not geared to you. I'm not trying to prompt you folks to shower me with compliments. In fact, the person I think I want/need them from most doesn't even really come around this way. So I'm mainly just rambling in an attempt to sort out my thoughts. You're more than welcome to come along for the ride, though.
I'm only beginning to understand that this desire for compliments is probably what lead me to a situation where I had no right to be.
Years ago, my best friends were male. I thought women/girls were "too pretentious." I got sick of the drama. With guys, you could sit there and discuss Shakespeare, Tori Amos, and the X-files all night and never once have a visit from the drama llama. You'll remember, the drama llama sucks the life right out of me and honestly, I am NEVER in the mood for a drive-by-drama-llamaing. So being able to have a discussion without all that added dramatic crap was lovely.
Problem is, I had one male friend who was in a serious relationship (as was I at the time), but he took a liking to me. He was super sweet. My then boyfriend was a better guy, but that boyfriend was awfully quiet (why am I usually attracted to the strong silent types?). My then best friend, however, said the sweetest things. Honestly, the things he wrote about me were the sweetest things anyone has ever written/said about me. I've been with my husband for 10 years, but I'm very serious when I say this best friend said more sweet things about me in 6 months than my husband has ever said about me. And again, in all honesty, the things my then best friend said/wrote were sweeter than anything dh has said. I'm not trying to be accusatory here. I hope that's not the way it comes across. It's just the way it is. Believe me, I sure as hell wish dh would say/do/write things to put that guy to shame, but thus far, dh hasn't done that.
So when he proposed taking our friendship to a physical level, I thought it was a great idea. Don't ask me why. I can actually explain it, but it's all very shallow. I was a kid. I was naive. I was a moron. Luckily, that didn't happen. Still, I've been absolutely torn up about letting myself get in that situation. I feel horribly guilty about it. Years and years and years later, I still regret even considering it. I hate that I was so vain and shallow.
But you know what? I find myself wondering what it would be like to talk to him again. I have absolutely no desire to have any sort of relationship with him, but he understood me AND he complimented me. Granted, I have two or three very close friends/family who do that as well, but sometimes, you want/need that from a guy. Hell, I think women ALWAYS need that (on some level) from the men in their lives.
I look at old pictures and wonder why I was ever physically attracted to him. Now I think he looks awfully dorky in those old pictures. I heard from another friend that this guy has done/tried to do some lousy things in the years after that encounter. Still, I listen to Tori Amos and wonder. What would we say to each other if we were to speak again? I don't want a relationship with him at all. Let me repeat that: I DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP AT ALL with him. I don't even know that we would/could be friends at this point in our lives. But I do want to know someone understands and someone appreciates me. For a brief moment in time, he did that and he did it well. He did that in a way no one else ever has.
"And right there for a moment, I knew you so well."
I don't really want him. I just want compliments. He's just the one who did that best.