Tuesday, April 24, 2007

"I can't stand myself. I can't stand my life. I can't stand in these 6 inch heels anymore."

I'm scared and I'm feeling awfully alone.

Some of my friends try to help. My sister lets me vent. My RN friend gives me tips/suggestions. Still, when it comes down to it, I'm lying there in bed at night crying myself to sleep.

Dh is home, but I wish he would go the hell away again. At least then, I could think, "Maybe if he was here, he'd do this," or "Maybe he would say that." When he's actually here ignoring it all, my head and my heart can scream, "SAY SOMETHING," but when he lies there in silence, there's no way to pretend it didn't happen. If I'm really alone, I can cry, "I want my husband back." If I feel more alone with him beside me than I did when he was in another state/country, then what the hell am I supposed to do?

My body is doing freaky things and it frightens me. Today, my hands started shaking and my heart raced. It felt like I had way too much caffeine, even though I hadn't. It felt like I used to feel after taking ephedrine--only it felt like I'd taken a double dose. It freaked me the hell out. I couldn't get a hold of my doctor, but I didn't think it warranted an ER visit.

I called dh and asked him if he could come home a little early. He didn't. Not only did he stay at work the full-time, he never said a word about it when he came home. I mentioned my hands a few times, but he didn't seem concerned. Tonight in bed, I broke down and cried. He didn't say a word. After a while, I crawled into his arms and told him I was scared. He didn't say anything. I also said I was alone. He didn't hear that part. Why am I not surprised?

There's so much shit going on with all this.

#1. is the physical issue. My body is scaring me. What the hell is wrong with me? What does this all mean? What does it mean to our future?

#2. is me feeling alone

#3. is #2's first cousin: I HATE to be left alone when I cry. For years, I hated to cry in front of people. It wasn't because it made me feel vulnerable. It was because I didn't know how they would react. I need people to reach out to me when I break down and I could never be sure if the people around me would do that. My husband knows this. I have told him time and time again. I don't use "Never," or "Always" lightly, but I will tell you that he NEVER comes after me when I'm upset. He doesn't hold me when I cry. Yes, I have told him specificially that I want/need to be comforted. Still, it doesn't happen.

Granted, this evening, he was tired. He fell asleep pretty quickly. But this evening was NOT the first time any of this has come up.

I'm just so fucking frustrated. I'm so scared and I'm so alone.