Breast Milk, Feeding Choice, Deep Thoughts, Cancer and My Husband

I have ranted about this in the past, but recent events and The Feminist Breeder's podcast on Formula Falsehoods (to which I'm listening right now) have compelled me to write about this yet again.

When my husband's father was diagnosed with cancer, I wrote "What was that about feeding choice?" Since then, Dh has lost another close family member.

So I have already fought my way down this dark road. And it is a very very dark one.

We knew my husband had an increased risk of cancer because of the fact that he was formula fed. Now, that risk is even greater. There was another death in his family last week. Now, every single male on his father's side has been diagnosed with cancer. All but one has lost that battle.

This absolutely terrifies me.

As Gina pointed out on her podcast, there are benefits for mothers who breastfeed. I've always taken comfort in the fact that I have decreased my risks for various forms of cancer (including Ovarian cancer which killed my favorite aunt when she was only a few years older than I am). Even those women who did not receive the protections of receiving breastmilk as babies can still get some benefits from breastfeeding their children. I was breastfed and I have breastfed my children, so I have been blessed by the fact that we've avoided many of the dangers of formula-feeding.

My husband was never breastfed and obviously, he doesn't have the options afforded to me in regards to breastfeeding.

Really, you should just go read that original article. I made all the points I wanted to there. This is far too much for me to wrap my mind around. Things have just become a bit more bleak for us in the face of yet another victory for cancer and loss in Dh's family.

In that feeding choice post, I wrote this which sums it up quite well,

If you were to frame the discussion by explaining, "You can do X and increase your child's risks of illness and death for the rest of his life," do you think ANY mother would willingly take that option? What kind of a choice is that?

Simple Pleasures

I had such a neat Shabbat. Last night, I was up reading until all hours. When I heard the baby start to fuss, I got her, brought her back to the rocking chair with me, nursed her and kept reading. When she was done, I put down the book, took her off, rocked her and just stared at her.

It was a sweet moment. I was awash in the oxytocin. TheBaby is so beautiful. I kissed her little forehead a bunch and ran my hand over her hair. We've known all along that she would be our last baby, so I've been lucky enough to make a point to savor these moments. I held her, felt her weight, and realized how much she has grown. I remember the 8 lb baby I pulled up and rested on my chest. That delicate little newborn has grown. Now, she's wearing 12 and 18 month clothing. She has these adorable gigantic thighs that just begged to be kissed and chubby cheeks that make you smile.

I'm finding a balance between wanting her to hurry up and begging her to slow down. I quite like this little island of balance. Here, I can enjoy her without reserving her spot in an Olympic level gymnastics class and also without trying desperately to shove her back in the womb (did I mention she's the size of a 1 year old? Yeah, not gonna happen. OW!).

Last night was so sweet because I was able to just rock there, taking her in, breathing her in and enjoying her.

Shabbat Mornings = Perfection

On weekday morning, my husband is up at the crack of dawn for work. He says his goodbyes and leaves. The kids get up to play and I try to sleep as long as they let me.

On Sunday mornings, dh usually gets up with the kids, so I can stay in bed a little bit. Still, I have to get out of bed at a reasonable hour so we can dash off to Sunday school.

On Shabbat mornings, though, everything is different.

This morning was absolutely perfect and I really needed that. I think we all did. TheBaby woke up, so I brought her to bed to nurse her. She noticed daddy was asleep next to her. After nursing for just a little while, she came off, smacked at him calling sweetly, "Dada, Dada, hi. Hi, Dada." He woke up smiling and held out his hand to her. While holding his finger, she went back to nursing for a little while. Then she came off again to smile at us both and crawl up to our faces where the chatting and smiling continued. The three of us stayed in bed like that for a while. It was so sweet and so calm.

It was exactly what we needed.

"More than the Jewish people have kept Shabbat, Shabbat has kept the Jewish people "

Yet another fortune cookie of abstinence (aka: The Chinese Place Hates Me)

In addition to exclusively breastfeeding, we are now using condoms AND I'm temping in the morning in an effort to prevent pregnancy. Why are we going through all this trouble when getting pregnant has never been easy for us? Because a fortune cookie scared my husband. It could have been warning of a lottery-ticket-bearing Oompa Loompa*, but no, my husband feared it referred to a baby.

If you recall, there was a night last month (which turned into a whole freaking week because it terrified my husband so) where I didn't get any because of a stupid fortune cookie. At the time, I grumbled a little bit, but mostly laughed. Ha ha. That's funny how that can be interpreted to fit our current situation. By the end of that week, though, I wasn't laughing quite as loudly. It's just a freaking cookie. Get the hell over here!

A few days ago, we went to the same Chinese place and once again, we got fortunes. Girl1 and I both eyed the same fortune cookie, but she got it first. When she read the fortune out loud, my husband said, "Oh no. That one was meant for you."




Oh hell! So now, I'm beginning to seriously wonder if that restaurant has it out for me. Dude, WTF? And no, my husband has not touched me since that fortune.

Then, this morning, we opened the front door to find a box. It's yet another great big box o'WTF from my mom (see #9). It's a package, for my daughter--the one who actually opened that fortune cookie. Never in my life have I been so thrilled to get a random box of insane stuff that we neither want nor need. I don't know if that package will prove lucky for my daughter, but hopefully, it will for me. A big box of useless unnecessary stuff has fulfilled the pastry prophecy therefore leaving us free to enjoy some indoor sports. Game on!

*I'm borrowing the lottery-ticket-holding Oompa Loompa from someone on twitter, but I can't remember who said it. If you know, please post her name in the comments.

It's the Shehecheyanu-a-palooza at chez Reiza

TheBaby is our last baby. Her birth was so amazing that I would gladly do that again another 10 times, but we've agreed that four children is the perfect number for us. We had a difficult time getting pregnant every time and after my second pregnancy, we didn't even know if we'd be able to have another baby. The fact that we did and we carried TheBaby to term is a miracle. Yes, we found out after-the-fact that we lost two others during that pregnancy, but our daughter survived and she is wonderful. She has completed our family.

Yesterday, as I sat with her at my breast, I looked at her gorgeous chubby cheeks that puffed up and down while she nursed, her sweet long lashes on her delicate eyelids that were closed as she nursed to sleep, her chubby arms clutching my shirt and I felt the weight of her ever-growing strong and squishy body. I whispered the Shehecheyanu while she nursed.

I cannot be more thankful to G-d for allowing us to reach this season--this wonderful season that finds our home filled with happiness and healthiness.

The ecological impact

Yesterday, while at a consignment sale, the big mountain of bottles caught my eye. There was a big long table full of them. I was really struck by just how much plastic there was. This was from only a small fraction of the mothers who bottle-feed. The pile was enormous.

I've heard (and talked) about breastfeeding being the "greener" alternative even way back when "green" only meant the difficult color Kermit memorialized in song. There's no packaging to dispose of. There's no factories needed. There are fuel-burning waste-producing trucks needed to transport anything. There's no (or limited) need for bottles to take up landfills. Still, it wasn't until I stood in front of that table yesterday that it really hit me.

Wow. Just wow.

Happy World Breastfeeding Week.

August 1st-7th is World Breastfeeding Week .

Here's some information from the official press release:

"From 1-7 August 2009, the World Alliance for Breastfeeding Action (WABA), and breastfeeding advocates in more than 150 countries worldwide will be celebrating World Breastfeeding Week (WBW) for the 18th year. This year, WABA teams up with the Emergency Nutrition Network (ENN) and the International Baby Food Action Network-Geneva Infant Feeding Association (IBFAN-GIFA) who represent an international collaboration of United Nations agencies and non-governmental organisations (IFE Core Group) concerned with protection and support of safe and appropriate infant and young child feeding in emergencies. Together we call for the active protection and support of breastfeeding during emergencies and the prevention and refusal of donations of breastmilk substitutes1, bottles and teats that, too often, do more harm than good."

To celebrate WBW, I went stomping through my archives for my favorite posts on the topic.

Here they are in no particular order:

Funny:

How Breastfeeding Saved My Life

Serious:

An open letter to the medical community

Even more serious:

What was that about feeding choice?

Deep Thoughts/Religious:

Life Death and Nourishment

Life, Death and Nourishment

Welcome, Carnival of Breastfeeding readers!
Make sure you take wander through the links to other carnival participants.

August 8 2009 edit: This post is being entered in the Breastfeeding Awareness Mommy Moment Contest.

I've mentioned this experience in an earlier post and I considered mentioning this in the recent discussion about unexpected benefits of breastfeeding, but I thought this would be best explained in a post all its own.

On the first anniversary of my brother's death, I nursed my daughter while praying and I will be eternally grateful for that experience.

My brother was given six months to live. He never made it that far. Cancer stole him from us the day we found out we were pregnant with twins.

In the Jewish tradition, you recite the Mourner's Kaddish on the anniversary of the death of a loved one (the yarzeit). This, however, can only be done with a minyan. You cannot stay home to pray. Kaddish must be said within a community of Jews.

So, I struggled to sit through services with two tiny babies, but without my husband (the military sent him away for training). Just before Kaddish was said, Girl1 got fussy. My initial reaction was, "Why now of all times?" I was annoyed, sad and overwhelmed, but my baby needed me. She helped pull me out of my misery and forced me to focus not only on what I lost, but on the remaining blessings I held in my hands, literally and figuratively. When it was time to stand for Kaddish, she was still nursing. I stood, clutching my daughter, and prayed.



While reciting those words for my brother, I stared into that tiny face of the child he never even knew existed. He was gone. Nothing could change that. Yet, while mourning that loss, I was effortlessly nourishing this new soul. It was such a simple moment, yet so profound. I was reminded that the world continued. Yes, there was death and destruction to be feared, but there was also love, beauty, and sacred simplicity to be cherished.

Breastfeeding does so much more than simply nourish my child. In that moment (and in others since then), breastfeeding fed my soul.

####

For other great breastfeeding stories, visit these other Carnival of Breastfeeding Participants:

Hannah's Weaning at Strocel.com
Weaning a Toddler from Laura's Blog
How Breastfeeding Changed My Life at a Mother's Boutique
Sticking With It: Our Breastfeeding Story at So Fawned
Breastfeeding Failures and Success from Grudgemom
Flying Breastmilk at And All The Sazz
Baby Carriers Down Under by Kandy
Ben’s story: The best breastfeeding advice, from the least likely source at the Massachusetts Friends of Midwives
The “I Told You So” at Blisstree.com
Breastfeeding is not easy, but it's definitely best for baby at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom
Story week post #1: "They said the latch was fine." at the Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog
Breastfeeding Made Me The Mother I Am at Breastfeeding Mums Blog
Can Early Public Breastfeeding Sightings Shape One’s Future Breastfeeding Practices? Breastfeeding Moms Unite
Celebrating my...chest! Zen_mommy
A Found Memory by Crystal Gold

How Breastfeeding Saved My Life

No, it's not what you think.

Last night, my house may very well have burned down, but breastfeeding saved us all. Feel free to laugh at my expense and/or stand in awe of the power of breastfeeding.

TheBaby absolutely refused to wake up to nurse when I went to bed. I tried to sleep, but was too engorged. I grumbled a whole host of expletives while I hauled my tired butt out of bed to go get the pump. I had to go through the kitchen to get it. When I did, there sat our cheapy coffeemaker staring at me with one bright red eye.

Our cheapy coffee maker is not nealry sophisticated enough to have an auto off feature. It's also very different from it's more expensive counterparts in that, when left on, it does not continue to brew the coffee, it just burns. If left long enough, it has the potential to ignite. That single red eye, yeah, that was the "on" button.

I set it up to brew before I went to bed with plans of turning it off before I did. Unfortunatley, I forgot all about it. It had been on for over an hour by that point. If not for the necessity of pumping, the whole house could have burned down as a result of my need for caffeinated goodness in the early morning hours.

Now there's a benefit of breastfeeding I'll bet you never read about in text books.

Anyone else out there have any other "off label" benefits you've found to breastfeeding?

Yeah, what she said.

This post in response to the Case Against Breast-Feeding is wonderful. It's a bit long because it has much to address and it's worth the read. I'm too tired and other-wise occupied to write a response, but I don't think it's even necessary given that Emily has already done a phenomenal job of it.

But the boobs get in the way.

I'm a big fan of altering random songs to better suit my needs (or odd sense of humor).

So lately, I've taken liberties with this little gem:


Just change the refrain to, "but the boobs get in the way."

I don't know how many sizes I've gone up during this pregnancy, but I know that DD bra I just got is a bit snug (DD is my usual nursing size).

At this point, I can still sleep on my stomach with some maneuvering, but damn it, the breasts are loudly protesting that position. My uterus can deal, but my breasts scream in pain. They can just shut the hell up, though 'cause I thoroughly enjoy sleeping on my stomach.

After my daughters were born, when they were still in the NICU, I got horribly excited when I realized I could once again lie on my stomach. Too bad I forgot about the whole surgical birth thing. I was fine in that position, but experienced excruciating pain when I tried to get back up. Dh worked nights and slept during the day, so my attempts to call for him were in vain. I wound up falling off the couch. Horrible pain and complete humiliation, those are two side effects of a c-section that no one ever warned me about.

Anyway, back to the boobs. My sister (who is under 5 feet tall and 90-some-odd pounds) went up to an H or an I while nursing. We used to laugh when we got those "Increase Your Bust Size" spam e-mails. I once suggested that we open one and follow the advice because then we could have our very own shelves right there under our chins and honestly, that could be very useful for a new mom.

I've always been larger during pregnancy than nursing, but I've never been quite this large this soon. Only time will tell where the boobage will take us.

Until then, I'll keep humming my own version of that little ditty under my breath. Feel free to join the conga line and sing along.

But the boobs get in the waaaaaaayyyyy.

Do you realize dairy IS breastmilk, just from a different species?

PETA is up to their usual antics. They sent a letter to Ben & Jerry asking them to replace the dairy in their ice cream with human breastmilk.

In a statement Ben and Jerry's said, "We applaud PETA's novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother's milk is best used for her child."

I'm not all about ingesting breastmilk myself (at least as an adult. I'm very glad I was breastfed as a baby), but um...if human breastmilk is best used for the mother's baby, then wouldn't cow's milk be best used for her calf rather than us humans? Do they not realize that cow's milk IS breastmilk. It's breastmilk created by a cow for her calf.

I've heard quite a bit about this on the news and in every instance, the reporters have been freaked out by the idea of using human breastmilk. Um...do they think breastmilk from another creature is the better option? There's a huge list of benefits of breastmilk for humans, yes, even for adults. Human milk is designed to provide for optimal growth of the human brain. Cow's have tiny brains and great big bodies. Cow's milk is designed to make calves big and fat.

Now keep in mind, I eat dairy and aside from the initial curious taste when I was first breastfeeding my children, I don't ingest human milk, but the whole "Ick factor" from the public makes no sense.

What was that about feeding choice?

This post will not at all be a light/happy/funny one. Some people may be offended. Please, if you are one of the many who had your nursing relationship sabotaged by a healthcare professional or someone of the sort, do NOT feel offended. This is not geared at you.

I hear a lot about feeding choice. Women get up in arms when we try to ban the bags at hospitals because they insist we are somehow anti-feminist and are infringing on a mom's right to choose how she feeds her child.

Well, more than 30 years after my MIL made her choice, we're now dealing with the potential problems with my husband. He never got a choice in the matter.

You fine folks know that my FIL has cancer. His father also died from cancer, albeit a different form.

I have a long family history of cancer, but I've always taken solace in the fact that I was breastfed and I have breastfed all my children. Formula fed children are more likely to develop cancer as are mothers who formula feed. My husband never received a drop of breastmilk and obviously, he can't breastfeed. Only now is the consequence of that hitting me and it's hitting me hard.

I've been struggling with this realization recently. My husband is now at a greater risk of developing cancer and DYING because of a choice in which he had no say.

On top of that, there's more research which links BPA to prostate cancer. Many pictures exist of my husband as an infant holding his plastic bottle. His risk is already more than doubled because his father has it. Now his mother's feeding choice may have increased that risk.

I've been a breastfeeding supporter for years for oh so many reasons, but never before have they hit so close to home. This isn't some faceless person writing a newspaper article proclaiming her right to feed however she sees fit. This isn't a random commenter on a message board complaining about how there was no way she'd do something so disgusting. This isn't even a grumpy old man ranting about how no woman should ever breastfeed in public. This is my husband--the man I love, my children's father. This is a decorated veteran who has survived combat zones. This wonderful man is now more likely to die because of a feeding choice made more than 30 years ago.

Please don't bitch about a mother's right to choose a feeding method. Babies are born to be breastfed. Our healthcare system should do everything in its power to support that. It shouldn't continually undercut a mother's attempts to breastfeed. Your local hospital or pediatrician's office should NOT be a marketing haven for Nestle. Your baby's health is FAR more important than kickbacks and pizza parties. Offices should recognize, not necessarily a woman's right to breastfeed, but a baby's need to eat. Working moms need to either pump or have their baby make occasional visits so that they can eat. Why oh why do some businesses miss the fact that formula fed infants are twice as likely to get sick within the first year which then means mom is more likely to miss work which costs the company money? It is far more cost-effective for corporations to support breastfeeding. Stores need to shut the hell up about their damn puritanical insistance that breastfeeding is somehow indecent. If I were to vist my local mall, sit quietly outside Victoria Secret and nurse modestly under one of their indecent posters, what do you think someone would complain about? Would it be the half-naked (or in some cases damn near completely naked) women on display or would it be the baby eating?

If you were to frame the discussion by explaining, "You can do X and increase your child's risks of illness and death for the rest of his life," do you think ANY mother would willingly take that option? What kind of a choice is that?

We need to take this out of the philosophical realm. This is not a debate about Feminism (FTR, I'm a vocal Feminist). This is not about a woman's rights. This is about the child's rights.

This is about my husband's right to be afforded every protection possible. That was not the case. In fact, he was put even more at risk. My husband now has a higher risk of dying because of the feeding choices made decades ago, but hey, there are those out there who will fight tooth and nail for his mother's right to do this to him.

On Sarah Palin

I didn't know what to write. I had no idea where to begin. Luckily, Jane Smiley did that for me.

Make Her Whine

New study proves my point.

The drug/nursing dilemma is a big problem. I've known people who weaned because a doctor told them to in order to take a certain medication. In several cases, they have had me check Hale after the fact only to find the drugs they were on were actually very safe.

Let me say that the majority of drugs are safe for nursing or have a safe alternative. Yet we're being lead to believe otherwise. Apparently, many doctors and pharmacists believe otherwise as well.

I have ranted about this before.

Now the Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog brought a new study to my attention.

"For 75 percent of drugs that are considered unequivocally safe for breastfeeding, pharmacies were inappropriately advising mothers to stop nursing."

GAH. I could say so much, but instead, I'll just say GAH.

I said more in my last post on the topic, so I'll just direct you to that post.

Stomping through my archives in an attempt to provide you with more information than you ever thought necessary.

I've seen this meme on other blogs, but Robin left it open so that one need not wait to be tagged. Since I still have nothing new of substance to share with you, I figured I'd go back and give this a shot.

Here's the deal, you stumble through your archives and find posts that fit these 5 qualifications:

Link 1 must be about family.
Link 2 must be about friends.
Link 3 must be about yourself, who you are… what you’re all about.
Link 4 must be about something you love.
Link 5 can be anything you choose.


Here are mine:

Link 1: Milk, it does a soul good (family)

Link 2: (friends)
My deep thought for the day And let me add, I no longer see that particular friend, but I think of her often. She was the FABULOUS one who planned this surprise party for me just after dh deployed. If you're still out there and still reading, I miss you, we all do.


Link 3: I'm going to cheat and post two

a) Shove it up your... (me) Yes, my children are the topic of it, but I don't think you can read that and NOT learn something about me.

b)The Truth is Out There (Those are the answers to a true/false game I played)

Link 4: (something I love) I'm cheating yet again and posting 2.
a)Another benefit of breastfeeding: Breastmilk contains sanity

b) Feel the love

Link 5: Restoring my faith in humanity (anything)

I'm adding a random bonus post just because I can. While looking through the archives, I found this which I had completely forgotten about: I fought the curb and the curb won. That's why I was on crutches in 4b. I think that one tells you a bit more about me.

There ya go. Hopefully, that helped you all learn something new about me. It was fun (and sometimes painful) to look through my archives.

I'm tagging Giselle (who needs to get her butt back and blog), Kamrin and Suzie

“Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart”-Kahlil Gibran

I've always thought my kids were cute. I'm their mom. I'm supposed to. It's natural.

Every once in a while, though, I'm struck by how stunningly beautiful they are.

There were times when I nursed TheBoy that I stared into his gorgeous eyes and just got lost. There I was nourishing his body, his soul and those wonderful trusting eyes stared up at me with such innocence and such love.

I had similar moments with my girls. Babies are at their most beautiful when they're at the breast. You see those sweet chubby cheeks bouncing and those big gorgeous eyes staring up at you brimming with contentment and love. With my twins, though, their first interactions with each other were at the breast. For the longest time, they didn't seem to realize they were separate beings. They never showed a conscious awareness of the other one. Then, one day, while I nursed them both on either side, one reached over and grabbed the other one's hand. Their gazes shifted from me to each other. While they continued to nurse, they flailed their little arms reaching out for the other.

Over the past few days, I've been overwhelmed by my children's beauty.

I recently got some pictures of them that I just adore. I looked at the photographs and was shocked by how gorgeous they are. I always thought they were cute, but I've gotten lost in those pictures and I've been left wondering, "When did you grow into such beautiful beings?"

Today, we went to story time and I was struck by it once again. The big kids made such a point of helping their little brother without ever being asked. They treated him so gently and so motherly. I have two sisters who have spent their entirely lives trying to physically injure each other, so I'm particularly thankful for and in awe of the connections I see between my children.

Earlier this morning, TheBoy took something that belongs to Girl1. I held my breath and waited for the eruption, but rather than scream at him, she spoke very sweetly to him and she let him have it without a fight.

I've made a point of pulling the big kids aside today to tell them how proud I am of them. And I am. They're absolutely gorgeous, both inside and out. I'm so very grateful for and so much in awe of them.

Another word from my kids

My children have been making gifts for friends. I suggested they might want to try personalizing each for the recipient. While making one for a friend's new baby daughter (yes, you), Girl1 had some questions.

Girl1: She's a baby. What would a baby like? Is she breastfed?
Me: Yes.
Girl1: Hmm...then maybe nursing bras? No, moms like those more than babies. I know. Babies like nipples. I can draw nipples.
Me: giggling quietly to myself

Quotation day after Wednesday

I realized late last night that I hadn't posted anything for Quotation Wednesday, so here's an entry a day late.

First, a funny:

You Going Somewhere with This, Prof?
Professor: Who can tell me the difference between a birch tree and a beech tree?
Student: A beech tree's got lighter bark.
Professor: But otherwise there's no difference?
Student: I dunno 'bout the leaves or anything, but when you buy furniture from IKEA, beech wood's always lighter.
Professor: But could you identify a birch tree from a beech tree if you saw one on campus?
Student: If I cut it down, maybe.
Overheard by:

via Overheard Everywhere, Nov 23, 2007

And now for the more serious couresty of The Quotable Jewish Woman:

"For, of course, the natural childbirth-breastfeeding movement Margaret Mead helped to inspire was not at all a return to primitive earth-mother maternity. It appealed to the independant, educated, spirited...woman...because it enabled her to experience childbirth not as a mindless female animal, an object manipulated by the obstetrician, but as a whole person, able to control her own body with her aware mind." Betty Friedan, The Feminine Mystique

"I don't want to make money. I just want to be wonderful." Marilyn Monroe

"But suppose we viewed life not as using up our own limited supply but as the accumulation of moments--moments like treasures." Rabbi Shira Milgrom in Four Centuries, 1992

Milk, it does a soul good.

The benefits of breastmilk for the body (both mom's and baby's) are numerous and well-documentented, but the benefits for the soul are very often over-looked, but just as important.

I'm making plans to fly out for the funeral. Initially, I was planning to go alone, but now I'm planning to take TheBoy. At first, I leaned toward it because I don't want to risk him weaning while I'm gone. Then, I realized I probably need him there more than he needs me.

On the first anniversary of my brother's death, I had to enlist help just to get to shul for his yarzeit. I had to say Kaddish for him and well, yeah, that's not an option at home (although once the kids come of age, we'll have half a minyan right here within our own walls). I had twin babies, though, so getting to services was quite a job. My sister and the rabbi's wife sat in the lobby with my niece and Girl2. When it came time to say Kaddish, I stood there and recited it with Girl1 nursing in the sling.

I took great comfort from that. I was really moved by the sacred simplicity of the moment. There I was mourning the loss while I nourished the new.

I need that now.

TheBoy woke up in the night and called for me. While I nursed him, I couldn't stop thinking, "My aunt sat here like this with my cousin when he was a baby." I played with TheBoy's hair and breathed him in and I could picture her doing the same. Now they're both gone--my aunt and my cousin. That moment last night was so mundane, yet so powerful. I was just comforting my child--something millions of parents do every night. Yet it made me feel so connected not only to the child at my breast, but to my aunt long gone and my cousin so recently departed.

I fear the funeral. My cousin was such a spark. There was so much excitement behind his eyes. He was so very alive. Having the whole family together with his body boxed up before us will make us all even more painfully aware of the absence of his playfulness.

But then, I'm reminded of TheBoy running towards the bimah during children's Rosh Hashanah services. I couldn't keep him contained. He was so excited and wanted to be a part of everything. Everyone laughed. I don't think there was a single face that wasn't smiling at TheBoy as I took him out to the lobby.

I want my son there because that joi de vivre reminds me so much of my cousin. I think it's what the whole family needs right now.

He needs me to comfort and nourish him. I need him to remind me it's not all death and dying.