“Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart”-Kahlil Gibran

I've always thought my kids were cute. I'm their mom. I'm supposed to. It's natural.

Every once in a while, though, I'm struck by how stunningly beautiful they are.

There were times when I nursed TheBoy that I stared into his gorgeous eyes and just got lost. There I was nourishing his body, his soul and those wonderful trusting eyes stared up at me with such innocence and such love.

I had similar moments with my girls. Babies are at their most beautiful when they're at the breast. You see those sweet chubby cheeks bouncing and those big gorgeous eyes staring up at you brimming with contentment and love. With my twins, though, their first interactions with each other were at the breast. For the longest time, they didn't seem to realize they were separate beings. They never showed a conscious awareness of the other one. Then, one day, while I nursed them both on either side, one reached over and grabbed the other one's hand. Their gazes shifted from me to each other. While they continued to nurse, they flailed their little arms reaching out for the other.

Over the past few days, I've been overwhelmed by my children's beauty.

I recently got some pictures of them that I just adore. I looked at the photographs and was shocked by how gorgeous they are. I always thought they were cute, but I've gotten lost in those pictures and I've been left wondering, "When did you grow into such beautiful beings?"

Today, we went to story time and I was struck by it once again. The big kids made such a point of helping their little brother without ever being asked. They treated him so gently and so motherly. I have two sisters who have spent their entirely lives trying to physically injure each other, so I'm particularly thankful for and in awe of the connections I see between my children.

Earlier this morning, TheBoy took something that belongs to Girl1. I held my breath and waited for the eruption, but rather than scream at him, she spoke very sweetly to him and she let him have it without a fight.

I've made a point of pulling the big kids aside today to tell them how proud I am of them. And I am. They're absolutely gorgeous, both inside and out. I'm so very grateful for and so much in awe of them.

Another benefit of breastfeeding: Breastmilk contains sanity

I've been feeling kind of numb. I haven't left the house. Haven't been to the gym in over a week (remember, I was there every day, 6 days a week and I usually go nuts if I have to miss even one day). I haven't felt much like dealing with the kids. I haven't done any school work with them (although, in an attempt to shut the bigger ones up, I gave them some work sheets to do by themselves yesterday).

So, today, I am especially grateful to be a breastfeeding mom.

When I got The Boy this morning, he immediately signed, "Milk please." I sighed because I really didn't want to. Reluctantly, I sat down on the couch, turned on the t.v. and nursed the baby. I was initially ignoring him and just flipping through news channels (I don't like Larry King in the evening hours. Why the hell does Headline News think I want to see him and his outdated guests in the morning? Dude, your channel is called "Headline NEWS." News is right there in the title. Quit showing all these idiotic commentators and their ridiculous shows and just give me my freaking news).

Then, I happened to get a whiff of the top of the baby's head. Luckily, he had a bath last night, so instead of that day-old spaghetti smell, it was that sweet baby scent. I closed my eyes and breathed him in. I noticed it calmed me down and made me feel better.

I turned off the t.v. and continued to sit there and sniff my son. For some reason, he wanted to nurse for a while and he asked to switch sides a few times. Normally, I would have been annoyed, but today, I didn't mind at all.

While nursing him, I noticed his sisters were playing pretend with their stuffed animals. So I started asking questions and talking to them about their pretend ice cream party with the 4-year-old panda bear and the 19-year-old giraffe who is training to be an astronaut.

When The Boy was done, he got down off the couch, flashed me a big grin and walked away.

A little while later, I said the Sheheheyanu quietly to myself so as to thank G-d for giving me the gift of breastfeeding and for allowing me to recognize the quiet beauty and serenity in the moment, in the act, in the children, and in myself.

Too pissed off and exhausted to think of a clever title.

This fucking sucks! I'm so fed up and so exhausted.

The big kids aren't sleeping well. They wake up for random reasons at insane hours (2 am on Sunday-Monday night, 4 am for the past 2 nights) and they're up for good by 6 at the latest. Once they're up the first time, I have a very difficult time falling back to sleep. Even when they do, I can't. I'm fucking exhausted.

Today was fucking nuts. I had way too much shit to do and bunches of stuff went wrong. The boy just went down for a nap 20 minutes ago. I need to get him up right about now 'cause we have got to go out. When left on his own lately, he's been napping for 4-5 hours I know he needs more sleep and he's not getting it. I have to keep cutting his naps short. Shit! We ALL fucking need more sleep and we're not getting it. I'm just so fucking tired of this shit.

I wanted to ask dh to call in yesterday, but I didn't 'cause I knew he wouldn't and honestly, I couldn't stand it if I specifically asked and he didn't even consider it. So I said something along the lines of, "I wish you could stay home." HE FUCKING IGNORED ME.

Yeah and the same shit continues. Nothing I say/do makes any difference. Lots more I want to say here, but I think he might still occasionally read this and I just don't want to get into some stuff.

I'm feeling horribly unattractive, unappreciated, over-extended, burnt out and just fucking exhausted.

I tried to figure out what it is that I need to feel better today. What I want is some damn attention. I want SOMEONE to acknowledge at least a portion of what I do. And no, I'm not fishing for compliments from you people. I want someone, but I also NEED dh to acknowledge me. I would damn near kill for flowers, a card, a sweet word or a stupid trinket--anything of the sort, but it doesn't happen. The only thing he has given me is Starbucks and that was once. While I appreciate it, that's not exactly what I'm looking for right now.

I feel like I'm getting depressed. I know part of it is that I haven't had enough sleep, but damn it, some of this shit has been going on for a long time. And I don't really fucking care about the reason right now. All I care about is that I'm sitting here crying and miserable.

AHHHHHHH. There's so much I want to write, but I'm already late picking up the girls. I haven't even woken The Boy up yet. I just want to go to bed. I'm seriously considering just getting a damn hotel room, taking an Ambien, and getting some glorious uninterrupted sleep. Problem is, when dh is off, I want to be with him. When he has to work, there's no fucking way he'll take any time off so I could do that. I've considered just taking off in the night and not coming back until later the next day. I kinda wonder, though, if he'd even notice or if he would just assume I was in one of the kids' rooms and head to work leaving the kids alone. I can't take that risk. And besides, honestly, I don't think I can do that to him. Sucks since I can't say the same of him towards me.

And now I'm off to run out the door to be late for yet another fucking thing today.

SON OF A BITCH!

Thank you, Krissy.

Got a comment last night that made me feel better. The compliment part was nice, but it's the last part that I loved. Yes! Someone gets it! Thanks.

You are a beautiful and amazing woman, no amount of words I can say can truly capture how much so. And no amount of words can take the place of hearing them from your dh. I'm sorry :-(

When cute grows up

Yeah, I'm still mad at the world, but I'm trying to keep my mind off of it. Like I told my niece earlier, the gym helps. Gotta love those endorphins (and Starbucks. Gotta love that there's one right around the corner from the gym).

Anyway, I'm trying to keep my mind off things. So I scoured MySpace looking for an old college friend whose birthday is today. I haven't seen her in years, but she's AWESOME. I wanted to send her a birthday wish. It looks like she deleted her page, though. I can't find her anywhere.

While scouring mutual friends' pages in search of her, I came across another old college friend. We did some acting together back in the day, but we lost touch. She was always one of those super cute girls. I'm not talking about the sorority type perfectly coiffed, expensive clothes, huge sunglasses cute. She was artsy, very laid back, funny as hell and cute.

Not everyone who was cute when we were 15 or even 20 grows up to stay that way. This woman, though, has gone from cute to gorgeous. I looked through her pictures and she really is stunning. That made me very happy.

I know it may sound wrong, but I take a perverse pleasure in finding that the obnoxious folks have grown up to be dumpy and ugly. Karma really does exist and it's evident on the wrinkly chubby faces of those people who existed in high school only to make everyone else miserable.

Although, at the same time, when I find someone who really is a neat person who grows up to look the part, it makes me very very happy.

Happy happy Joy Joy

I've had some depressing posts lately. So I'm gonna take a break and sidetrack to the land of the happy happy joy joy.

Here are happy product recommendations from me (not to be confused with a "happy little tree"):

If I could keep this near me at all times, I would. This smells WONDERFUL. I don't usually buy from Bath and Body works, but I stopped in the other day and they had smaller bottles of the new 3-in-1's on sale, so I tried a few. Some of them smell overly sweet, but the cinnamon bun one is fabulous. In addition to smelling amazing, I'm really happy with how it works as a shampoo. As a bubble bath, it's not great, but it's great as a shampoo and body wash and again, the smell is AMAZING. For some reason, though, the lotion doesn't smell nearly as good as the 3-in-1. Oh, FTR, I didn't buy the Frosting one (only because they didn't have it at the time), but I got a whiff of it at the store and LOVE it too. Again, the lotion just isn't the same, but the body wash/shampoo smells great.

While we're on the topic of hair care, I must post about Suave Professionals. I hate Suave products overall. They're cheap and in my experience, you get exactly what you pay for. A few friends gave the Professionals glowing reviews, though, so I had to try them. Apparently, they really are very similar to much pricier hair care products. I have this conditioner and I adore it. My hair looks great when I use it. I thought it might just be a fluke or the effects would lessen after a few uses, but I've used it every day and it still works wonderfully. I'm dying to try some of the other products they have available.

Now let's make a sharp left turn from the hair care aisle and head towards coffee. I'm a coffee fiend. I'm also a coffee snob. I like rich flavored coffees. So I was shocked to find I really like Folgers new flavored coffees. They really have lots of flavor. We've tried the chocolate silk (my favorite), hazelnut and cinnamon. I wasn't the biggest fan of the cinnamon, but it did pack a lot of flavor (it's dh's favorite). I LOVE this stuff.

I have lots of other favorite things, but for now, I'll end the list hear. We are now leaving Happy happy joy joy-ville. Please remain seated during the ride and keep your hands and legs inside at all times. =-)

Restoring my faith in humanity

Yesterday, my faith in humanity was restored at least a little bit.

I took the kids out to eat for lunch (we had just done the Pesach cleaning the night before as is required by law and I did NOT want to add any chametz to the household). I was trying to juggle the baby, the drinks, the girls, and a tray of food when an elderly woman tapped me on the shoulder and insisted she help. It wasn't until after she carried our food to the table that I realized she had her grandson with her. A few minutes later, I would realize he had a disability. So this woman offered to help us even though hers is obviously not an easy life. I was very impressed and humbled.

While we ate, I noticed the little boy had a disability. He was about 5, but was unable to speak. He repeated the same sound several times and flailed his arms. He also seemed to have impulse control issues (he climbed up on top of tables and walked along the window sills).

I wondered how my girls would treat him if they played together. They all headed towards the play structure together. Girl1, in her usual fashion, introduced herself and asked the boy his name. He didn't answer, but that didn't stop them. They all climbed up and all three slid down together, giggling the entire time. My girls tried to talk to him a few times, but he never answered nor did he seem to respond much to what they said. He did, however, respond with giggles and smiles while they all played together.

On the way home, Girl1 said, "I asked him his name, but he didn't answer." I tried explaining that he couldn't speak because he had a disability. The girls didn't understand and I was put on the spot, but I tried to explain it. I told them, "Some people have a difficult time doing things or there may be some things they can't do at all, but that doesn't mean they can't play with you. You might have to do some things differently, but you can still play together." I gave them Lucy as an example and said, "Lucy has a disability. She can't walk, but she can still play." They pointed out that they know that's true because they've seen Lucy singing and playing on the swings in the Signing Time DVDs. Then Girl2 threw out Lucy's big sister. "Leah has a disability too. She can't hear, but we can play with her too. because we can sign." I told them it was exactly like that. Granted, my kids' knowledge of signs is very limited and they probably couldn't converse much with Leah, but dammnit, they would certainly try. From the time they were about 2 & 1/2, if you asked them why we sign, they would answer, "So we can play with Leah."

I was so thrilled that the kids played together. They didn't see any difference in abilities. My girls didn't even see the disability. The kids only saw each other as friends. They could all giggle. They could all smile. That was the important thing.

To be honest, I was a little leary about even pointing out that the boy was any different from them. If Girl1 hadn't mentioned it, I wouldn't have said anything. I want them to keep that innocence. I want them to be able to enjoy someone's company regardless of what he can or cannot do. But at the same time, I'm so proud that it's very matter-of-fact to them. Sure, some people are different, but it doesn't actually make much of a difference. You can still play with them and that's the only thing that's important.

It may take lying, cheating and stealing to make me doubt humanity, but all it takes is a group of kindergarteners playing together to restore it.

Have I mentioned lately just how much I adore my kids?

Makeup: a dilema

My last post has thrown me into a dilemma. Yes, the whorish painted face of a doll's head has wreaked havoc on my brain.

You see, I can't stand little girls in makeup. I HATE it. My girls dance and I've been really turned off by the parents who paint their little girls up for the dance show. True, a certain amount of blush can be a good thing so they're not washed out by the lights, but heck, my kids are cute. I'll know they're cute regardless of whether the lights are bright.

I own bunches and bunches of makeup, but I very rarely wear it. I like it that way. I hope my girls feel the same way when they grow up.

But then I have to wonder about the styling heads. The dolls didn't come with makeup (well, Girl2's did, but we took it away right away). I only let the girls play with mine as a special treat. I repeatedly tell them that makeup doesn't make someone pretty. They know they don't own any Bratz dolls because those blasted things have WAY too much makeup.

I remember fighting my mother tooth and nail when I was about 5 because I wanted eye shadow, but she wouldn't let me have it. So what did I do? I used my Strawberry Shortcake lipstick on my eyelids. My mother was PISSED. She refused to leave the house with me looking like that. I refused to back down. I don't remember how it ended, but I vividly remember how important that eye shadow was. Then again, I watched my mother put her makeup on every single morning. She had this ritual--where she put it on, how she put it on, what she put on. She had it down to a science and that always fascinated me. I even remember when I was 6 asking her if she would leave me her makeup bag in her will.

She did let me have some kid makeup. When I was 8, I had this horrible looking peach lipstick and green and blue eyeshadow that came in these clip-on doll-looking cases. In every single one of our pictures from Disney that year, I wore that horrible eyeshadow. Now I'm pissed about it (although I am impressed with the the application). The pictures are ruined.

How do I strike a balance? That experimenting, made makeup not so new and fabulous. I got it out of my system and moved on. I remember how I longed for eyeshadow when I wasn't allowed to have it. How do I let my children play without violating my morals? Is letting them put makeup on a doll a good compromise? I just don't know.

Most importantly, I want them to know that they are beautiful, but know that #1. the most important thing is that THEY recognize their beauty and #2 beauty is not only in appearance.