and now that I am leaving,now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I missed you.

I'm still here.

After I posted last, I printed directions to where I'd be going and wrote down the phone numbers of the people there.

Went about my usual morning stuff figuring I'd decide later about leaving.

Kept The Boy up from his nap for two extra hours while I tried to decide (wanted him to nap in the car if I decided to go). Eventually opted to put him down, but I packed a bag for us all after I did.

I decided to stay. I can't explain it. I should have gone, but I just can't stop clinging to the idea that something will change. I'm an idiot because dh has shown time and time again that it's not something he plans on doing. Still, I hope.

Sometimes it seems like he wants to. Most of the time, though, it seems like he just wants to ignore it and keep going with blinders on.

I was leaning towards leaving this morning when the girls started telling me about all the husbands they were going to have (Girl2 says 200,000). I got annoyed with them and said, "No, you have one husband. You get married once and you stay that way." As soon as I heard myself say that, I knew I wanted to stay and try to work this out.

Dh has the next two days off. I'm delusional. I keep thinking that in all that time, surely he will say/do something different. Logically I know he won't, but I can't give up on him.

I'm here and I'm feeling like I'm insane. I want to leave so badly, but then I can't do it. I go back and forth and I can't make up my mind. I want to stay. I want to work this out, but it feels like I'm the only one. Dh is willing to put in a bit of effort, but not much--certainly not enough.

So I'm here for now, but if this keeps up, I'm either going insane or I'm going away.

Too pissed off and exhausted to think of a clever title.

This fucking sucks! I'm so fed up and so exhausted.

The big kids aren't sleeping well. They wake up for random reasons at insane hours (2 am on Sunday-Monday night, 4 am for the past 2 nights) and they're up for good by 6 at the latest. Once they're up the first time, I have a very difficult time falling back to sleep. Even when they do, I can't. I'm fucking exhausted.

Today was fucking nuts. I had way too much shit to do and bunches of stuff went wrong. The boy just went down for a nap 20 minutes ago. I need to get him up right about now 'cause we have got to go out. When left on his own lately, he's been napping for 4-5 hours I know he needs more sleep and he's not getting it. I have to keep cutting his naps short. Shit! We ALL fucking need more sleep and we're not getting it. I'm just so fucking tired of this shit.

I wanted to ask dh to call in yesterday, but I didn't 'cause I knew he wouldn't and honestly, I couldn't stand it if I specifically asked and he didn't even consider it. So I said something along the lines of, "I wish you could stay home." HE FUCKING IGNORED ME.

Yeah and the same shit continues. Nothing I say/do makes any difference. Lots more I want to say here, but I think he might still occasionally read this and I just don't want to get into some stuff.

I'm feeling horribly unattractive, unappreciated, over-extended, burnt out and just fucking exhausted.

I tried to figure out what it is that I need to feel better today. What I want is some damn attention. I want SOMEONE to acknowledge at least a portion of what I do. And no, I'm not fishing for compliments from you people. I want someone, but I also NEED dh to acknowledge me. I would damn near kill for flowers, a card, a sweet word or a stupid trinket--anything of the sort, but it doesn't happen. The only thing he has given me is Starbucks and that was once. While I appreciate it, that's not exactly what I'm looking for right now.

I feel like I'm getting depressed. I know part of it is that I haven't had enough sleep, but damn it, some of this shit has been going on for a long time. And I don't really fucking care about the reason right now. All I care about is that I'm sitting here crying and miserable.

AHHHHHHH. There's so much I want to write, but I'm already late picking up the girls. I haven't even woken The Boy up yet. I just want to go to bed. I'm seriously considering just getting a damn hotel room, taking an Ambien, and getting some glorious uninterrupted sleep. Problem is, when dh is off, I want to be with him. When he has to work, there's no fucking way he'll take any time off so I could do that. I've considered just taking off in the night and not coming back until later the next day. I kinda wonder, though, if he'd even notice or if he would just assume I was in one of the kids' rooms and head to work leaving the kids alone. I can't take that risk. And besides, honestly, I don't think I can do that to him. Sucks since I can't say the same of him towards me.

And now I'm off to run out the door to be late for yet another fucking thing today.

SON OF A BITCH!

Friends + alcohol + boobs = fun

I have the best friends in the world.

Last night, for the first time in years, I had more than one drink. Actually, I had 3--two big-ass mixed drinks (which were probably the equivalent of 4 drinks) and then a glass of wine. I also had lots of great conversation and a friend who declared herself the designated driver. WOO HOO.

We hit one place and chatted while I drank (it's very strange to go out drinking when the person you're with isn't drinking. I was afraid of making an ass of myself). Then they closed and we went looking for somewhere else to frequent. We passed Hooters. I said, "I've never been to Hooters." She said, "I haven't either." Then we both said in unison, "Let's go to Hooters." And so we did.

Now, I don't do beer. I just can't stand the taste. And yeah, that's what Hooters is all about (well, other than the obvious). I felt like such a dork because I got a glass of white zinfandel. Although, I also got a plate of the hottest wings they have (and ate them happily. While good, they were far from too hot for me). So I guess that gives me back some cool points. :-)

I had a great time and while tired in the morning, I didn't have anything remotely resembling a hangover. Woo hoo!

So yay for friends, alcohol, hotwings, oh and breasts too. :-)