Saturday, August 18, 2007

and now that I am leaving,
now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I missed you.

I'm still here.

After I posted last, I printed directions to where I'd be going and wrote down the phone numbers of the people there.

Went about my usual morning stuff figuring I'd decide later about leaving.

Kept The Boy up from his nap for two extra hours while I tried to decide (wanted him to nap in the car if I decided to go). Eventually opted to put him down, but I packed a bag for us all after I did.

I decided to stay. I can't explain it. I should have gone, but I just can't stop clinging to the idea that something will change. I'm an idiot because dh has shown time and time again that it's not something he plans on doing. Still, I hope.

Sometimes it seems like he wants to. Most of the time, though, it seems like he just wants to ignore it and keep going with blinders on.

I was leaning towards leaving this morning when the girls started telling me about all the husbands they were going to have (Girl2 says 200,000). I got annoyed with them and said, "No, you have one husband. You get married once and you stay that way." As soon as I heard myself say that, I knew I wanted to stay and try to work this out.

Dh has the next two days off. I'm delusional. I keep thinking that in all that time, surely he will say/do something different. Logically I know he won't, but I can't give up on him.

I'm here and I'm feeling like I'm insane. I want to leave so badly, but then I can't do it. I go back and forth and I can't make up my mind. I want to stay. I want to work this out, but it feels like I'm the only one. Dh is willing to put in a bit of effort, but not much--certainly not enough.

So I'm here for now, but if this keeps up, I'm either going insane or I'm going away.


Katie said...

Part of me says...I KNOW what it's like to want to walk away. The other part of me says...stick it out babe......stick it out. You guys can work through this and I believe that. I'm praying for you and am here if you need to talk

Kamrin said...

Golly! You know yo have my support no matter what, but I think I might give a shout out to that Rabbi Shmuley~after all, he does rock! I love me some Rabbi Shmuley! He has helped my marriage more than once! I love ya darlin!

Pixie LaRouge said...


I don't want either the insanity or the leaving for you, having been through both. I want peace and healing for you, though, no matter what. And I love you, no matter what. This is a hard thing you're going through, but you're strong, and you'll come out the other side of it, someday, somehow. Remember the pearl.

Giselle said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. I'm also sorry that I called you so often the last few days with my stuff when I hadn't even caught up with you to know that you had WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much stuff of your own to deal with. You are in our prayers.

Krissy said...

Whatever you need, be it a material item or just an open ear and open heart, I'm here for you.