Monday, August 20, 2007

We're here. We're queer. Get used to it.

Okay, so um...yeah...I'm not gay. Although, hopefully, the homosexual community will forgive me for stealing their slogan for my own use.

I am, however, here. We all are.

Thus far, my coping mechanism has been to just not discuss anything of weight. Don't think too hard about the 10 year anniversary he blew off simply because he was in a bad mood. Don't ask him any questions for which I know full-well he won't have any answers. Stop expecting him to come home with flowers in an attempt to make up for the anniversary debacle (although I still haven't mastered this one). Overall, I just try not to think about it.

And I suspect he's been poking his head in here which I wasn't expecting. I figured he had lost the link a long time ago. Note to the world, but especially my dh, If you say, "Well, the other day you said, 'XYZ'," then make absolutely sure that I actually SAID, "XYZ" and that I didn't just post about it on my blog in a message where I detailed my plans to leave you.

Whoops. That's a bit more bitter than I had planned. Sorry.

Still, if he actually read that post about leaving and I still don't have flowers or kind words or any sign that he actually wants us to stay, it's kind of baffling and painful.

But, I'm not dealing with that shit. I'm doing everything I can to keep my ass here at least until I can meet with the therapist again. That means not thinking about this stuff too deeply and not over-analyzing anything. I will not wallow. I will not go fucking least not in the immediate future.

I will, however, go in the other room and watch the Colbert Report. I will take an Ambien so I can quiet down the demons (because ticked off is one thing, but ticked off and grumpy from lack of sleep is a whole 'nother beast). And at least for the next few days, I will post stupid random shit that doesn't dig too deep into my head. So if you want a break from the drama, you're in luck. I will be locking the drama llama up in my basement where I will occasionally pop in and beat the shit out of it with a wooden club when the need arises.

But for now, I'm getting more lemonade and watching some TV.

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