This fucking sucks! I'm so fed up and so exhausted.
The big kids aren't sleeping well. They wake up for random reasons at insane hours (2 am on Sunday-Monday night, 4 am for the past 2 nights) and they're up for good by 6 at the latest. Once they're up the first time, I have a very difficult time falling back to sleep. Even when they do, I can't. I'm fucking exhausted.
Today was fucking nuts. I had way too much shit to do and bunches of stuff went wrong. The boy just went down for a nap 20 minutes ago. I need to get him up right about now 'cause we have got to go out. When left on his own lately, he's been napping for 4-5 hours I know he needs more sleep and he's not getting it. I have to keep cutting his naps short. Shit! We ALL fucking need more sleep and we're not getting it. I'm just so fucking tired of this shit.
I wanted to ask dh to call in yesterday, but I didn't 'cause I knew he wouldn't and honestly, I couldn't stand it if I specifically asked and he didn't even consider it. So I said something along the lines of, "I wish you could stay home." HE FUCKING IGNORED ME.
Yeah and the same shit continues. Nothing I say/do makes any difference. Lots more I want to say here, but I think he might still occasionally read this and I just don't want to get into some stuff.
I'm feeling horribly unattractive, unappreciated, over-extended, burnt out and just fucking exhausted.
I tried to figure out what it is that I need to feel better today. What I want is some damn attention. I want SOMEONE to acknowledge at least a portion of what I do. And no, I'm not fishing for compliments from you people. I want someone, but I also NEED dh to acknowledge me. I would damn near kill for flowers, a card, a sweet word or a stupid trinket--anything of the sort, but it doesn't happen. The only thing he has given me is Starbucks and that was once. While I appreciate it, that's not exactly what I'm looking for right now.
I feel like I'm getting depressed. I know part of it is that I haven't had enough sleep, but damn it, some of this shit has been going on for a long time. And I don't really fucking care about the reason right now. All I care about is that I'm sitting here crying and miserable.
AHHHHHHH. There's so much I want to write, but I'm already late picking up the girls. I haven't even woken The Boy up yet. I just want to go to bed. I'm seriously considering just getting a damn hotel room, taking an Ambien, and getting some glorious uninterrupted sleep. Problem is, when dh is off, I want to be with him. When he has to work, there's no fucking way he'll take any time off so I could do that. I've considered just taking off in the night and not coming back until later the next day. I kinda wonder, though, if he'd even notice or if he would just assume I was in one of the kids' rooms and head to work leaving the kids alone. I can't take that risk. And besides, honestly, I don't think I can do that to him. Sucks since I can't say the same of him towards me.
And now I'm off to run out the door to be late for yet another fucking thing today.
SON OF A BITCH!