I'm going to whine. Consider yourself warned.
(big sigh)
I miss my husband. Yes, he's here. I feel guilty making that statement when he isn't deployed. Hell, he's not even active anymore. Still, after working through PTSD (times two), he's not the man I married. We got through the worst of it, but it has changed him.
Lately, I've been painfully aware that there are small fleeting moments where the man I married would have hugged me, reached for my hand, or put an arm around me. The man he's become does none of these. He still loves me. He's still one of the rare good men out there. PTSD just stripped him of the more affectionate side.
I know I'm very blessed to have such a wonderful husband. He's smart. He's kind. He has moral standards. He doesn't see me as a cook/housekeeper. He's willing to work together with me.
It's just that, I miss him. I miss who he was. I love this new guy, but it's just not the same. In those brief moments where I still expect him to reach out, he doesn't and I'm painfully aware of what's missing.
Showing posts with label Grrrr. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grrrr. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
And the mess gets messier
This has been at the head of a very bad mood of mine recently. After carefully planning and being responsible all these years, we're in trouble.
Dh just found out that his company has lost the client who supplies 90% of his work. He's ALREADY down to 1/3 his usual pay.
Just figuring our mortgage and basic grocery bills, his current pay doesn't cut it.
Add to the fact that dh's knees are really bothering him lately (military injury, but they won't cover the cost of any care), but he won't see a doctor in large part because of the cost. And add to that the fact that we have three children, soon to be 4. We have a baby on the way very very soon. What happens if this birth doesn't work out and I wind up in the hospital with another c-section? We have insurance, but we won't be able to cover our portion.
Dh has already been looking for a new job, but with no luck. I've been searching around the house trying to find any newer items we can return and instead use the refund for groceries or more necessary items. I'm planning on selling my kids' toys out from under them because we need the money. But that won't be enough.
Does he go back to Active duty and this time, I stand there with FOUR crying children as the military sends him off for yet another deployment? Do we raise yet another baby who thinks "Daddy," is a telephone? Will they even take him back with the injuries they caused, but refused to acknowledge at the time (they "lost" his medical paperwork documenting the cause of the injuries)? Can he stand to go back to that way of life? Is Active duty even an option?
What do we do? What can we do? Now what?
Dh just found out that his company has lost the client who supplies 90% of his work. He's ALREADY down to 1/3 his usual pay.
Just figuring our mortgage and basic grocery bills, his current pay doesn't cut it.
Add to the fact that dh's knees are really bothering him lately (military injury, but they won't cover the cost of any care), but he won't see a doctor in large part because of the cost. And add to that the fact that we have three children, soon to be 4. We have a baby on the way very very soon. What happens if this birth doesn't work out and I wind up in the hospital with another c-section? We have insurance, but we won't be able to cover our portion.
Dh has already been looking for a new job, but with no luck. I've been searching around the house trying to find any newer items we can return and instead use the refund for groceries or more necessary items. I'm planning on selling my kids' toys out from under them because we need the money. But that won't be enough.
Does he go back to Active duty and this time, I stand there with FOUR crying children as the military sends him off for yet another deployment? Do we raise yet another baby who thinks "Daddy," is a telephone? Will they even take him back with the injuries they caused, but refused to acknowledge at the time (they "lost" his medical paperwork documenting the cause of the injuries)? Can he stand to go back to that way of life? Is Active duty even an option?
What do we do? What can we do? Now what?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
The Bad News Bears
We got a call from my MIL today. They got some test results and it looks like my FIL's cancer is back. He meets with his oncologist tomorrow, but they already know they're going to start radiation. I don't know when or any other details. She had to sneak us a call today while he was out because he's upset and doesn't want anyone to know. Hopefully, we'll learn more tomorrow.
This week is my mother's last at work. She's been very blessed that she was able to stay this long. She's one of only five people in the entire building. Since she was still there in January, she IS entitled to 4 weeks vacation pay which will help. She'll have to apply for her remaining vacation pay from 2008 in the courts (her company filed bankruptcy), but she is guaranteed her vacation pay from this year. She has applied for Social Security and given her age and the fact that she's been working since she was 8 years old, she qualifies for an amount not too far off from her salary. That should help as well.
As always, positive vibes, good thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
This week is my mother's last at work. She's been very blessed that she was able to stay this long. She's one of only five people in the entire building. Since she was still there in January, she IS entitled to 4 weeks vacation pay which will help. She'll have to apply for her remaining vacation pay from 2008 in the courts (her company filed bankruptcy), but she is guaranteed her vacation pay from this year. She has applied for Social Security and given her age and the fact that she's been working since she was 8 years old, she qualifies for an amount not too far off from her salary. That should help as well.
As always, positive vibes, good thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Forget his own, my son is too smart for OUR good.
Yesterday, we had places we needed to be on time. The kids were all dressed and ready to go. TheBoy WAS dressed, but decided he didn't like his shoes. Yet, when asked which pair he preferred, he said, "None." Well, a good rule is do not go barefoot into that good night. So, since he gave us no other option, we opted to keep him in those shoes.
As we're headed out the door, we find him sitting on his bed wearing only one shoe. We then take 10 minutes to search his entire room--all 4 of us. We all ask him in various (sometimes sneaky ways) where his other shoe is. We get no answer. We strip his bed. We search all his dresser drawers. We scour the closet. We even picked him up and moved him to make sure he wasn't sitting on it. Still, no shoe.
Now, we're late and we have no other options that he can wear. We're screwed. At that point, I reminded the child, "We're going out for dinner. If we can't find your shoe, we can't go and you won't eat." Where's your shoe? He then jumped down, reached UNDER his dresser and pulled out the missing shoe.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
As we're headed out the door, we find him sitting on his bed wearing only one shoe. We then take 10 minutes to search his entire room--all 4 of us. We all ask him in various (sometimes sneaky ways) where his other shoe is. We get no answer. We strip his bed. We search all his dresser drawers. We scour the closet. We even picked him up and moved him to make sure he wasn't sitting on it. Still, no shoe.
Now, we're late and we have no other options that he can wear. We're screwed. At that point, I reminded the child, "We're going out for dinner. If we can't find your shoe, we can't go and you won't eat." Where's your shoe? He then jumped down, reached UNDER his dresser and pulled out the missing shoe.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Monday, November 24, 2008
The Economy Sucks. My Mom Suffers.
My mother has lost her job. My 72-year-old mother who has been at her current place of employment for thirty years has lost her job. What meager retirement she had left was wiped out by the current stock market situation.
My mother has been working since she was 9. She was left back several times in school because she missed so many days in order to work to help support her family (her father was an alcoholic and my mother was the eldest of 4 children). She never attended high school. When she was 16, she dropped out of school (due to being left back, she wasn't even in high school at that time) so that she could work full-time.
She's had a string of bad luck with the companies for which she has worked in the past. Several of them have gone out of business leaving her with worthless retirement stocks invested in those companies (or their poorly run parent companies).
Her current company tried to find a buyer, but with no luck. They announced last week that they would close by the end of the year.
My mother saw it coming. She and my father have been paying off debts and making plans to sell the house, move out of state, and buy a much smaller home. They will be selling the home where I grew up. This is the home where my father grew up. This is the home where four generations of my family have lived. When you look in the back of my high school yearbook, under my name, you'll find the exact same address listed under my father's name in his yearbook 37 years prior.
My mother has surgery scheduled for January. She refuses to use state aid for medical care because she insists she wants to reserve that for those who need it. We have yet to see if her current insurance (offered through her work) will still be available. This is my mother, who went for her six week postpartum visit after my birth and didn't go back to another doctor until I was twenty. She is most definitely not a hypochondriac. This is absolutely necessary surgery. I don't know if she'll be able to afford it when the time comes.
I can't quite wrap my head around it. I just can't believe it. We survived so much. I remember, as a small child, hearing my parents talk about selling the house when the economy wasn't so strong. I also remember the wake of the Clinton administration when their house was appraised at a value so high it shocked us. Now, though, they can fight no longer. They can't afford to weather this storm. And so, the house will pass to strangers' hands (at a fraction of the actual value) and my elderly parents will be forced to start over amid the uncertainty.
My mother has been working since she was 9. She was left back several times in school because she missed so many days in order to work to help support her family (her father was an alcoholic and my mother was the eldest of 4 children). She never attended high school. When she was 16, she dropped out of school (due to being left back, she wasn't even in high school at that time) so that she could work full-time.
She's had a string of bad luck with the companies for which she has worked in the past. Several of them have gone out of business leaving her with worthless retirement stocks invested in those companies (or their poorly run parent companies).
Her current company tried to find a buyer, but with no luck. They announced last week that they would close by the end of the year.
My mother saw it coming. She and my father have been paying off debts and making plans to sell the house, move out of state, and buy a much smaller home. They will be selling the home where I grew up. This is the home where my father grew up. This is the home where four generations of my family have lived. When you look in the back of my high school yearbook, under my name, you'll find the exact same address listed under my father's name in his yearbook 37 years prior.
My mother has surgery scheduled for January. She refuses to use state aid for medical care because she insists she wants to reserve that for those who need it. We have yet to see if her current insurance (offered through her work) will still be available. This is my mother, who went for her six week postpartum visit after my birth and didn't go back to another doctor until I was twenty. She is most definitely not a hypochondriac. This is absolutely necessary surgery. I don't know if she'll be able to afford it when the time comes.
I can't quite wrap my head around it. I just can't believe it. We survived so much. I remember, as a small child, hearing my parents talk about selling the house when the economy wasn't so strong. I also remember the wake of the Clinton administration when their house was appraised at a value so high it shocked us. Now, though, they can fight no longer. They can't afford to weather this storm. And so, the house will pass to strangers' hands (at a fraction of the actual value) and my elderly parents will be forced to start over amid the uncertainty.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Bad news giveaway update
First off, there really isn't anything to update. I wrote to them on the 16th once again asking for the tracking info, but have yet to hear back.
Although, I do want to point out that I've had much better luck with the other giveaways I've won. Sarah mentioned that I won a build-a-bear gift certificate on her blog. That really was perfect. My oldest sister just told me last week that she and my niece made three bears for the kids. I've never actually bought a Build-A-Bear before because of the expense (although my in-laws did take the girls to make a knock-off one when they were smaller). Now, we can use that gift certificate plus another $15 one that I've had lying around forever to buy new outfits for their new bears. It's perfect because that can be one of their gifts for Chanukah. We LOVE looking at the pretty clothes at the Build-A-Bear shoppe, so they're going to have a blast picking out outfits. Money is tight right now, so to be able to have a gift ready to go that cost us nothing is wonderful. Many thanks are extended to Sarah. To give credit where it's due, I should point out that Sarah's giveaway was what inspired me to go hunting for toys past and evaluate what is and is not important in a play thing.
Every other giveaway has worked out wonderfully. Occasionally, there's a delay, but that's cokmpletely understandable. Some of them have just been for cute or fun things. Some have really saved me some money. I can't find the links right now, but we've won a DVD (which we gave the girls as one of their birthday gifts at a time when we REALLY had very little to spend); we've won 4 shirts for TheBoy at places where I never would have shopped ordinarily, but the quality has really been astounding on some of them; books (a favorite around here); a gender neutral organic baby outfit (talk about perfect timing); bath and body stuff and some other things. The giveaways have been a huge money and sanity saver for us. I love checking my mail to see if I've won anything. :-)
I'm just annoyed at the way I'm being treated by this particular company, particulary at this time of the year. Thus far, there has been no change in the situation.
Although, I do want to point out that I've had much better luck with the other giveaways I've won. Sarah mentioned that I won a build-a-bear gift certificate on her blog. That really was perfect. My oldest sister just told me last week that she and my niece made three bears for the kids. I've never actually bought a Build-A-Bear before because of the expense (although my in-laws did take the girls to make a knock-off one when they were smaller). Now, we can use that gift certificate plus another $15 one that I've had lying around forever to buy new outfits for their new bears. It's perfect because that can be one of their gifts for Chanukah. We LOVE looking at the pretty clothes at the Build-A-Bear shoppe, so they're going to have a blast picking out outfits. Money is tight right now, so to be able to have a gift ready to go that cost us nothing is wonderful. Many thanks are extended to Sarah. To give credit where it's due, I should point out that Sarah's giveaway was what inspired me to go hunting for toys past and evaluate what is and is not important in a play thing.
Every other giveaway has worked out wonderfully. Occasionally, there's a delay, but that's cokmpletely understandable. Some of them have just been for cute or fun things. Some have really saved me some money. I can't find the links right now, but we've won a DVD (which we gave the girls as one of their birthday gifts at a time when we REALLY had very little to spend); we've won 4 shirts for TheBoy at places where I never would have shopped ordinarily, but the quality has really been astounding on some of them; books (a favorite around here); a gender neutral organic baby outfit (talk about perfect timing); bath and body stuff and some other things. The giveaways have been a huge money and sanity saver for us. I love checking my mail to see if I've won anything. :-)
I'm just annoyed at the way I'm being treated by this particular company, particulary at this time of the year. Thus far, there has been no change in the situation.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Videos to make you laugh and cry
First the bad news. People are idiots.
After you're done crying (or shaking your head in disbelief and disgust), here's one to make you laugh.
This was one of my favorite videos of all time. Now the lyrics have been redone. You must see:
Both links found at Fist of Blog.
After you're done crying (or shaking your head in disbelief and disgust), here's one to make you laugh.
This was one of my favorite videos of all time. Now the lyrics have been redone. You must see:
Both links found at Fist of Blog.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Here's your sign.
Later today, I will affix a sign to our front door. It will read as follows:
The lady of the house
Do you think it'll keep the solicitors at bay?
I'm kind of annoyed that I'm going all traditional with that last line. The truth is, I started doing the lawn work while dh was deployed years ago and actually liked it, but I haven't done it in a while and I don't see myself doing it until the wee one makes an appearance. So I'll buy into the traditional stereotype if it keeps the morons away.
The lady of the house
- is pregnant and cranky
- owns a chainsaw
- never buys anything from door-to-door salespeople
- is grateful that her husband does all the lawn care.
Do you think it'll keep the solicitors at bay?
I'm kind of annoyed that I'm going all traditional with that last line. The truth is, I started doing the lawn work while dh was deployed years ago and actually liked it, but I haven't done it in a while and I don't see myself doing it until the wee one makes an appearance. So I'll buy into the traditional stereotype if it keeps the morons away.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
What was that about feeding choice?
This post will not at all be a light/happy/funny one. Some people may be offended. Please, if you are one of the many who had your nursing relationship sabotaged by a healthcare professional or someone of the sort, do NOT feel offended. This is not geared at you.
I hear a lot about feeding choice. Women get up in arms when we try to ban the bags at hospitals because they insist we are somehow anti-feminist and are infringing on a mom's right to choose how she feeds her child.
Well, more than 30 years after my MIL made her choice, we're now dealing with the potential problems with my husband. He never got a choice in the matter.
You fine folks know that my FIL has cancer. His father also died from cancer, albeit a different form.
I have a long family history of cancer, but I've always taken solace in the fact that I was breastfed and I have breastfed all my children. Formula fed children are more likely to develop cancer as are mothers who formula feed. My husband never received a drop of breastmilk and obviously, he can't breastfeed. Only now is the consequence of that hitting me and it's hitting me hard.
I've been struggling with this realization recently. My husband is now at a greater risk of developing cancer and DYING because of a choice in which he had no say.
On top of that, there's more research which links BPA to prostate cancer. Many pictures exist of my husband as an infant holding his plastic bottle. His risk is already more than doubled because his father has it. Now his mother's feeding choice may have increased that risk.
I've been a breastfeeding supporter for years for oh so many reasons, but never before have they hit so close to home. This isn't some faceless person writing a newspaper article proclaiming her right to feed however she sees fit. This isn't a random commenter on a message board complaining about how there was no way she'd do something so disgusting. This isn't even a grumpy old man ranting about how no woman should ever breastfeed in public. This is my husband--the man I love, my children's father. This is a decorated veteran who has survived combat zones. This wonderful man is now more likely to die because of a feeding choice made more than 30 years ago.
Please don't bitch about a mother's right to choose a feeding method. Babies are born to be breastfed. Our healthcare system should do everything in its power to support that. It shouldn't continually undercut a mother's attempts to breastfeed. Your local hospital or pediatrician's office should NOT be a marketing haven for Nestle. Your baby's health is FAR more important than kickbacks and pizza parties. Offices should recognize, not necessarily a woman's right to breastfeed, but a baby's need to eat. Working moms need to either pump or have their baby make occasional visits so that they can eat. Why oh why do some businesses miss the fact that formula fed infants are twice as likely to get sick within the first year which then means mom is more likely to miss work which costs the company money? It is far more cost-effective for corporations to support breastfeeding. Stores need to shut the hell up about their damn puritanical insistance that breastfeeding is somehow indecent. If I were to vist my local mall, sit quietly outside Victoria Secret and nurse modestly under one of their indecent posters, what do you think someone would complain about? Would it be the half-naked (or in some cases damn near completely naked) women on display or would it be the baby eating?
If you were to frame the discussion by explaining, "You can do X and increase your child's risks of illness and death for the rest of his life," do you think ANY mother would willingly take that option? What kind of a choice is that?
We need to take this out of the philosophical realm. This is not a debate about Feminism (FTR, I'm a vocal Feminist). This is not about a woman's rights. This is about the child's rights.
This is about my husband's right to be afforded every protection possible. That was not the case. In fact, he was put even more at risk. My husband now has a higher risk of dying because of the feeding choices made decades ago, but hey, there are those out there who will fight tooth and nail for his mother's right to do this to him.
I hear a lot about feeding choice. Women get up in arms when we try to ban the bags at hospitals because they insist we are somehow anti-feminist and are infringing on a mom's right to choose how she feeds her child.
Well, more than 30 years after my MIL made her choice, we're now dealing with the potential problems with my husband. He never got a choice in the matter.
You fine folks know that my FIL has cancer. His father also died from cancer, albeit a different form.
I have a long family history of cancer, but I've always taken solace in the fact that I was breastfed and I have breastfed all my children. Formula fed children are more likely to develop cancer as are mothers who formula feed. My husband never received a drop of breastmilk and obviously, he can't breastfeed. Only now is the consequence of that hitting me and it's hitting me hard.
I've been struggling with this realization recently. My husband is now at a greater risk of developing cancer and DYING because of a choice in which he had no say.
On top of that, there's more research which links BPA to prostate cancer. Many pictures exist of my husband as an infant holding his plastic bottle. His risk is already more than doubled because his father has it. Now his mother's feeding choice may have increased that risk.
I've been a breastfeeding supporter for years for oh so many reasons, but never before have they hit so close to home. This isn't some faceless person writing a newspaper article proclaiming her right to feed however she sees fit. This isn't a random commenter on a message board complaining about how there was no way she'd do something so disgusting. This isn't even a grumpy old man ranting about how no woman should ever breastfeed in public. This is my husband--the man I love, my children's father. This is a decorated veteran who has survived combat zones. This wonderful man is now more likely to die because of a feeding choice made more than 30 years ago.
Please don't bitch about a mother's right to choose a feeding method. Babies are born to be breastfed. Our healthcare system should do everything in its power to support that. It shouldn't continually undercut a mother's attempts to breastfeed. Your local hospital or pediatrician's office should NOT be a marketing haven for Nestle. Your baby's health is FAR more important than kickbacks and pizza parties. Offices should recognize, not necessarily a woman's right to breastfeed, but a baby's need to eat. Working moms need to either pump or have their baby make occasional visits so that they can eat. Why oh why do some businesses miss the fact that formula fed infants are twice as likely to get sick within the first year which then means mom is more likely to miss work which costs the company money? It is far more cost-effective for corporations to support breastfeeding. Stores need to shut the hell up about their damn puritanical insistance that breastfeeding is somehow indecent. If I were to vist my local mall, sit quietly outside Victoria Secret and nurse modestly under one of their indecent posters, what do you think someone would complain about? Would it be the half-naked (or in some cases damn near completely naked) women on display or would it be the baby eating?
If you were to frame the discussion by explaining, "You can do X and increase your child's risks of illness and death for the rest of his life," do you think ANY mother would willingly take that option? What kind of a choice is that?
We need to take this out of the philosophical realm. This is not a debate about Feminism (FTR, I'm a vocal Feminist). This is not about a woman's rights. This is about the child's rights.
This is about my husband's right to be afforded every protection possible. That was not the case. In fact, he was put even more at risk. My husband now has a higher risk of dying because of the feeding choices made decades ago, but hey, there are those out there who will fight tooth and nail for his mother's right to do this to him.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Cold Chinese Food revisited
I got my cold Chinese food today. Yay.
Maybe it wasn't such a good idea. Yuck.
Churn churn bubble bubble goes the pregnant lady's stomach.
Maybe it wasn't such a good idea. Yuck.
Churn churn bubble bubble goes the pregnant lady's stomach.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Finding ballance
This parenting thing doesn't get any easier. Just when you adapt to one stage, a whole new set of subtleties and considerations go into effect.
How do you balance it all? Last year, we took a break and didn't have any sport-related classes. In the past, they danced for two years and took a break from that to explore karate. We tried Softball a while ago, but I was really put off by the whole thing. I was there for my kids to learn the game and have fun. Everyone else was there to prep their kids for the Olympics. We learned very quickly that it wasn't for us and we ran far far away.
Starting very soon, the big kids will have Hebrew school on Mondays. They'll have Sunday school too. We don't do sports on Shabbat.
I'm not the type who wants my kids to play 5 different sports. I'd like them to do one or two things to stay active and to learn what they're capable of. At the same time, religion is very important to us. I didn't have the opportunity to learn Hebrew. Dh just learned enough to read from the Torah for his bar mitzvah portion and he immediately forgot it all. Our children will have better.
I danced every week day and had gymnastics on the weekend. Dh's parents are VERY involved in local sports (my MIL is in her town's sports hall of fame). So that drives us, but so too does the love of Judaism.
We had to pass up the dance school where I really wanted to send the girls because the class for their age group is the same day/time as Hebrew school. They want to take gymnastics too, but we can't do it. I'm not comfortable with them shoving so much into the evenings. If I can find a homeschool class that meets during the day, we can do that, but once you're out of that pre-k age, it's difficult to find much during daytime hours.
Gah! How do you find the right balance? How do you resist becoming a stereotype one way or another? I will not be the parent who confronts the Hebrew school teacher demanding to know, "How is he supposed to improve at baseball when you want him here during practices?" How do we teach our children to value their beliefs and heritage if we so obviously value the physical over all else? Although, I also refuse to raise a mensch with absolutely no appreciation for his physical ability. Can you truly appreciate G-d if you can't recognize the power in yourself?
How do you balance it all? Last year, we took a break and didn't have any sport-related classes. In the past, they danced for two years and took a break from that to explore karate. We tried Softball a while ago, but I was really put off by the whole thing. I was there for my kids to learn the game and have fun. Everyone else was there to prep their kids for the Olympics. We learned very quickly that it wasn't for us and we ran far far away.
Starting very soon, the big kids will have Hebrew school on Mondays. They'll have Sunday school too. We don't do sports on Shabbat.
I'm not the type who wants my kids to play 5 different sports. I'd like them to do one or two things to stay active and to learn what they're capable of. At the same time, religion is very important to us. I didn't have the opportunity to learn Hebrew. Dh just learned enough to read from the Torah for his bar mitzvah portion and he immediately forgot it all. Our children will have better.
I danced every week day and had gymnastics on the weekend. Dh's parents are VERY involved in local sports (my MIL is in her town's sports hall of fame). So that drives us, but so too does the love of Judaism.
We had to pass up the dance school where I really wanted to send the girls because the class for their age group is the same day/time as Hebrew school. They want to take gymnastics too, but we can't do it. I'm not comfortable with them shoving so much into the evenings. If I can find a homeschool class that meets during the day, we can do that, but once you're out of that pre-k age, it's difficult to find much during daytime hours.
Gah! How do you find the right balance? How do you resist becoming a stereotype one way or another? I will not be the parent who confronts the Hebrew school teacher demanding to know, "How is he supposed to improve at baseball when you want him here during practices?" How do we teach our children to value their beliefs and heritage if we so obviously value the physical over all else? Although, I also refuse to raise a mensch with absolutely no appreciation for his physical ability. Can you truly appreciate G-d if you can't recognize the power in yourself?
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Dear World Maths Day folks,
It may have seemed like a good idea, but I'm about ready to injure someone over at World Maths Day.
Both my big kids are signed up and ready to go. Problem is, I suspect the server is not prepared for the demand. We can't do anything. The games won't load. When we're finally able to get one to start, there's nothing there. A map pops up every once in a while, but then nothing happens. Occasionally, it kicks us out for a period of inactivity, but the only reason we're inactive is because THERE'S NOTHING THERE.
My kids were really excited to do this. The idea of joining people from all over the world playing math games was pretty cool. Now, though, that excitement is fading and I'm being met with questions like, "That's never going to work. May I watch Little House on the Prairie instead?"
So much for getting my kids excited about math.
Oh and I'm hanging my head in shame because after looking through the 100 top scores, I don't see a single American. Oy vey!
Both my big kids are signed up and ready to go. Problem is, I suspect the server is not prepared for the demand. We can't do anything. The games won't load. When we're finally able to get one to start, there's nothing there. A map pops up every once in a while, but then nothing happens. Occasionally, it kicks us out for a period of inactivity, but the only reason we're inactive is because THERE'S NOTHING THERE.
My kids were really excited to do this. The idea of joining people from all over the world playing math games was pretty cool. Now, though, that excitement is fading and I'm being met with questions like, "That's never going to work. May I watch Little House on the Prairie instead?"
So much for getting my kids excited about math.
Oh and I'm hanging my head in shame because after looking through the 100 top scores, I don't see a single American. Oy vey!
Monday, February 04, 2008
Why oh why do I share these things with you?
Over at the Rocking Pony, she's having a neat giveaway from her super-cute Etsy store.
The twist is that in order to enter, you have to share your most embarassing moment.
Here is mine.
Warning: This contains a potty-training story. I know there are some folks who run screaming from the room when the topic comes up, so I'm pausing here to give you fair warning.
When the big kids were just shy of 2, they were potty trained, dh was deployed and I was working towards a position I wanted dearly. All these bits of information play a role in this little tale.
As part of obtaining that position, I met with a friend who was in charge of the process. We both had kids (hers were a bit older than mine), so we met in the children's section of a library where we could pull up a seat, discuss work and our kids could play.
At that point, I was trying to teach myself not to watch the kids like a hawk. They were secure independent little things and I wanted to help foster that independence. Problem is, I also wanted to follow them around making sure they didn't destroy anything. I was in the process of finding a healthy balance. Girl2, however, was in the process of exploiting those moments when my eyes weren't on her.
At one point, I turned around to find that my youngest daughter had apparently pulled her underwear aside (she was wearing a dress), squated and pooped...on the floor...the CARPETED floor...in the middle of the library. She couldn't leave it at that. Oh no! She had to WALK THROUGH IT over and over again tracking poop EVERYWHERE and grinding it into the carpet. Did I mention she was wearing sandals? So it was also all over her little feet.
I was MORTIFIED. After lots of expletives, I scooped her up and ran to the bathroom. There was no way to clean her sandals. No amount of scrubbing helped. I managed to sit her in the sink and wash her off as best as I could, but wouldn't you know it, the bathroom there had ditched paper towels in favor of one of those blowers. I needed the towels to scrub and to dry her little bum. I'm not putting my baby's bum up to a hot dryer even if she did just track poop all over the library's carpeted floor.
G-d bless that friend I was meeting with. She checked on us and then brought us some paper towels. She watched Girl1 along with her kids so that I could focus on (aka scrub) Girl2. And I will never ever be able to thank her enough for making the library staff aware of the problem. The thought of having to go up to them and announce, "My child pooped on your floor. Yeah and then stomped through it. It's everywhere," made me want to cry. The fact that she did it for me leaves me forever in her debt.
Of course this library didn't own a carpet cleaner. I had planned on cleaning up the mess, assuming they had some device with which to shampoo it. Nope. What they had was some sort of powder and more paper towels. I offered to clean it, but they refused.
At that point, I was ready to cry. My husband had been away for months, this position I wanted was on the line and my daughter went and pooped on the floor. And then walked through it and went for a walk in the wild wild world thereby tracking it EVERYWHERE.
Mortified really isn't a strong enough word. I have never been back to that children's area since and I don't know if I ever could. Well, maybe when she's a teenager, if she drives me nuts, I'll pack her and some of her friends up and head out there where I can tell them this story. :-)
The twist is that in order to enter, you have to share your most embarassing moment.
Here is mine.
Warning: This contains a potty-training story. I know there are some folks who run screaming from the room when the topic comes up, so I'm pausing here to give you fair warning.
When the big kids were just shy of 2, they were potty trained, dh was deployed and I was working towards a position I wanted dearly. All these bits of information play a role in this little tale.
As part of obtaining that position, I met with a friend who was in charge of the process. We both had kids (hers were a bit older than mine), so we met in the children's section of a library where we could pull up a seat, discuss work and our kids could play.
At that point, I was trying to teach myself not to watch the kids like a hawk. They were secure independent little things and I wanted to help foster that independence. Problem is, I also wanted to follow them around making sure they didn't destroy anything. I was in the process of finding a healthy balance. Girl2, however, was in the process of exploiting those moments when my eyes weren't on her.
At one point, I turned around to find that my youngest daughter had apparently pulled her underwear aside (she was wearing a dress), squated and pooped...on the floor...the CARPETED floor...in the middle of the library. She couldn't leave it at that. Oh no! She had to WALK THROUGH IT over and over again tracking poop EVERYWHERE and grinding it into the carpet. Did I mention she was wearing sandals? So it was also all over her little feet.
I was MORTIFIED. After lots of expletives, I scooped her up and ran to the bathroom. There was no way to clean her sandals. No amount of scrubbing helped. I managed to sit her in the sink and wash her off as best as I could, but wouldn't you know it, the bathroom there had ditched paper towels in favor of one of those blowers. I needed the towels to scrub and to dry her little bum. I'm not putting my baby's bum up to a hot dryer even if she did just track poop all over the library's carpeted floor.
G-d bless that friend I was meeting with. She checked on us and then brought us some paper towels. She watched Girl1 along with her kids so that I could focus on (aka scrub) Girl2. And I will never ever be able to thank her enough for making the library staff aware of the problem. The thought of having to go up to them and announce, "My child pooped on your floor. Yeah and then stomped through it. It's everywhere," made me want to cry. The fact that she did it for me leaves me forever in her debt.
Of course this library didn't own a carpet cleaner. I had planned on cleaning up the mess, assuming they had some device with which to shampoo it. Nope. What they had was some sort of powder and more paper towels. I offered to clean it, but they refused.
At that point, I was ready to cry. My husband had been away for months, this position I wanted was on the line and my daughter went and pooped on the floor. And then walked through it and went for a walk in the wild wild world thereby tracking it EVERYWHERE.
Mortified really isn't a strong enough word. I have never been back to that children's area since and I don't know if I ever could. Well, maybe when she's a teenager, if she drives me nuts, I'll pack her and some of her friends up and head out there where I can tell them this story. :-)
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Oh hell!
Dh has gotten a few suspicious letters from the military in recent weeks. The short cryptic version of the story is that we now fear that, due to a series of unfortunate events, dh may be reactivated and sent to fight.
We very much do NOT want that to happen.
Oh hell!
We very much do NOT want that to happen.
Oh hell!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Why does Johnny come marching homeless?
The lasting effects of the "war," are a favorite topic of mine (as we've survived them and are continuing to do so), so when I saw Erin McClam's recent article on the topic, I knew I'd have to share with you.
Why does Johnny come marching homeless?
Why does Johnny come marching homeless?
Monday, December 17, 2007
Humanity is letting me down.
I'm more than a little disappointed in the world right now. It's not the entire world that has left me crestfallen, just the human inhabitants of that world.
Here's the very brief version what what would otherwise prove to a be a very long rant:
People don't seem willing to step up and help out. Of the few that are willing to help, it's the same few every time. Most others don't want to be bothered. It's driving me nuts and making me absolutely livid
I sent out a call for help for a family that truly needs support in the face of a tragedy. I mentioned that the support could be at any level--from seeking out donations to just sending cards. I asked about 50 people for help. Three have offered to do so.
When dh was deployed the last time and I recognized the signs of PTSD, I sent out a call asking friends to send him cards, letters, care packages--anything. A few offered to help, but no one did.
I volunteer for a healthcare organization. If you suspect that it may be the same organization for which you volunteer, than chances are yes, it is. I have degrees and certifications in the field, but I work without pay (and often at a cost to me) because I think I can do more good that way right now. Yet when I ask the regulars for their input, they don't respond. When I try to provide for the larger community, the very people I help steal. When I spend an hour on the phone answering extensive questions at length, the information I provided is ignored. Why do I bother?
I'm no longer as willing to put myself out there as I once was. I try to keep a balance between living for myself, my family and my community (whether that's the physical community, the spiritual community, or simply the community comprised by the entire human race). Yet I still find my heart being torn out and stomped all over because people are simply not willing to help. They are, however, willing to let people around them suffer.
I must admit that I haven't done nearly as much as I could lately. That is, in part, because I've been so focused on my own family and recent events therein. I don't believe anyone should give of themselves to the point where they become the one suffering. I do, however, think we can all do something.
I completely understand that some folks have difficult things to survive right now. I understand that completely. By all means, focus on yourself and your family. Although, being annoyed that you have to run to 5 or 6 different stores in order to find a copy of Rock Band as an Xmas gift does NOT fit the definition of "Trauma."
We need to get off our butts and DO SOMETHING!!!
Come on, folks, look at that. You made me bust out the excessive punctuation. Come on, no one likes the excessive punctuation (or ever suspects the Spanish Inquisition). And look at that, you've made me use uppercase. DO NOT MAKE ME USE UPPERCASE! And will you feast your eyes on this? Now I'm over-using italics. Ladies and gentlemen, you can prevent this. If you don't want to be bothered helping those around you, then at least do some form of tzedakah so as to prevent my flagrant grammatical abuse.
I will say that those friends who are doing something truly leave me inspired. One friend who is a fairly recently single mother of 3 little girls immediately went out and bought things to donate to that family who lost everything (she's one of the 3 who responded). Another friend, who has had all sorts of chaos in her life is looking into getting a computer donated for that family. Yet another friend who is currently going through a very difficult and life-changing time, went out actively seeking creative endeavors that benefit others because she wants to try to do something for someone else. I am so grateful to have people like these in my life. I'm so grateful people like this exist. They are the reason I have yet to completely abandon humanity entirely.
Here's the very brief version what what would otherwise prove to a be a very long rant:
People don't seem willing to step up and help out. Of the few that are willing to help, it's the same few every time. Most others don't want to be bothered. It's driving me nuts and making me absolutely livid
I sent out a call for help for a family that truly needs support in the face of a tragedy. I mentioned that the support could be at any level--from seeking out donations to just sending cards. I asked about 50 people for help. Three have offered to do so.
When dh was deployed the last time and I recognized the signs of PTSD, I sent out a call asking friends to send him cards, letters, care packages--anything. A few offered to help, but no one did.
I volunteer for a healthcare organization. If you suspect that it may be the same organization for which you volunteer, than chances are yes, it is. I have degrees and certifications in the field, but I work without pay (and often at a cost to me) because I think I can do more good that way right now. Yet when I ask the regulars for their input, they don't respond. When I try to provide for the larger community, the very people I help steal. When I spend an hour on the phone answering extensive questions at length, the information I provided is ignored. Why do I bother?
I'm no longer as willing to put myself out there as I once was. I try to keep a balance between living for myself, my family and my community (whether that's the physical community, the spiritual community, or simply the community comprised by the entire human race). Yet I still find my heart being torn out and stomped all over because people are simply not willing to help. They are, however, willing to let people around them suffer.
I must admit that I haven't done nearly as much as I could lately. That is, in part, because I've been so focused on my own family and recent events therein. I don't believe anyone should give of themselves to the point where they become the one suffering. I do, however, think we can all do something.
I completely understand that some folks have difficult things to survive right now. I understand that completely. By all means, focus on yourself and your family. Although, being annoyed that you have to run to 5 or 6 different stores in order to find a copy of Rock Band as an Xmas gift does NOT fit the definition of "Trauma."
We need to get off our butts and DO SOMETHING!!!
Come on, folks, look at that. You made me bust out the excessive punctuation. Come on, no one likes the excessive punctuation (or ever suspects the Spanish Inquisition). And look at that, you've made me use uppercase. DO NOT MAKE ME USE UPPERCASE! And will you feast your eyes on this? Now I'm over-using italics. Ladies and gentlemen, you can prevent this. If you don't want to be bothered helping those around you, then at least do some form of tzedakah so as to prevent my flagrant grammatical abuse.
I will say that those friends who are doing something truly leave me inspired. One friend who is a fairly recently single mother of 3 little girls immediately went out and bought things to donate to that family who lost everything (she's one of the 3 who responded). Another friend, who has had all sorts of chaos in her life is looking into getting a computer donated for that family. Yet another friend who is currently going through a very difficult and life-changing time, went out actively seeking creative endeavors that benefit others because she wants to try to do something for someone else. I am so grateful to have people like these in my life. I'm so grateful people like this exist. They are the reason I have yet to completely abandon humanity entirely.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Yet another reason to homeschool
AP: Sexual misconduct plagues US schools
There are 3 million public school teachers nationwide, most devoted to their work. Yet the number of abusive educators — nearly three for every school day — speaks to a much larger problem in a system that is stacked against victims.
Most of the abuse never gets reported. Those cases reported often end with no action. Cases investigated sometimes can't be proven, and many abusers have several victims.
And no one — not the schools, not the courts, not the state or federal governments — has found a surefire way to keep molesting teachers out of classrooms.
Those are the findings of an AP investigation in which reporters sought disciplinary records in all 50 states and the District of Columbia. The result is an unprecedented national look at the scope of sex offenses by educators — the very definition of breach of trust.....
One report mandated by Congress estimated that as many as 4.5 million students, out of roughly 50 million in American schools, are subject to sexual misconduct by an employee of a school sometime between kindergarten and 12th grade. That figure includes verbal harassment that's sexual in nature.
There are 3 million public school teachers nationwide, most devoted to their work. Yet the number of abusive educators — nearly three for every school day — speaks to a much larger problem in a system that is stacked against victims.
Most of the abuse never gets reported. Those cases reported often end with no action. Cases investigated sometimes can't be proven, and many abusers have several victims.
And no one — not the schools, not the courts, not the state or federal governments — has found a surefire way to keep molesting teachers out of classrooms.
Those are the findings of an AP investigation in which reporters sought disciplinary records in all 50 states and the District of Columbia. The result is an unprecedented national look at the scope of sex offenses by educators — the very definition of breach of trust.....
One report mandated by Congress estimated that as many as 4.5 million students, out of roughly 50 million in American schools, are subject to sexual misconduct by an employee of a school sometime between kindergarten and 12th grade. That figure includes verbal harassment that's sexual in nature.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
I had a bad feeling all yesterday. I purposely put on the Beatles (one my cousin's favorites) and just thought about him all day. When I didn't get a call from the family near him, I brushed it off.
Last night, I had a dream about him. He looked like his old self (since he was diagnosed with cancer, he appears to have aged about 30 years). He was lucid. We chatted quite a bit. When I woke up, in those moments before you realize everything that just happened only did so in your mind, I felt so happy and relieved that I got to talk to him. Alas, it was just a dream.
Then, during the day, I had this awful sense. Again, I played the Beatles and thought of my cousin. On my way home from the gym, I called my mom.
My cousin is in a coma. The doctors say the only reason he hasn't passed away yet is because he has a strong heart.
I now have no chance to say, "Goodbye" to him. I can't tell him how much I have always loved him or how I looked up to him. I can't explain how I always felt a connection with him. We've always been the creative souls in the family. I will never be able to tell him what a wonderful person I think he is and how I feel blessed to not only have known him, but to even share the same blood line.
I pray his family finds comfort. I just can't get over the fact that he's leaving teenage children behind. The two youngest are the same age this cousin and his sister were when their mother passed away from cancer.
I just can't believe it. I cannot comprehend it. I can't deal.
Last night, I had a dream about him. He looked like his old self (since he was diagnosed with cancer, he appears to have aged about 30 years). He was lucid. We chatted quite a bit. When I woke up, in those moments before you realize everything that just happened only did so in your mind, I felt so happy and relieved that I got to talk to him. Alas, it was just a dream.
Then, during the day, I had this awful sense. Again, I played the Beatles and thought of my cousin. On my way home from the gym, I called my mom.
My cousin is in a coma. The doctors say the only reason he hasn't passed away yet is because he has a strong heart.
I now have no chance to say, "Goodbye" to him. I can't tell him how much I have always loved him or how I looked up to him. I can't explain how I always felt a connection with him. We've always been the creative souls in the family. I will never be able to tell him what a wonderful person I think he is and how I feel blessed to not only have known him, but to even share the same blood line.
I pray his family finds comfort. I just can't get over the fact that he's leaving teenage children behind. The two youngest are the same age this cousin and his sister were when their mother passed away from cancer.
I just can't believe it. I cannot comprehend it. I can't deal.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Depressed
I'm pissed off at the world right now.
Rush Limbaugh is questioning my husband's patriotism. Rush Limbaugh insists those soldiers who don't support the mess in Iraq are "Phony Soldiers." He has since tried to insist his comments were being taken out of context, but in his attempt to do so, he simply shoved his foot further in his mouth.
And how many deployments to Iraq has Rush Limbaugh done? How many times has he been separated from his family by war? How many times was he shot at? How many nights did he stand guard knowing that there was a threat on his military instillation and if that threat came to fruition, he would be expected to throw himself in front of the armed terrorists? How badly do his knees hurt him now as a result of the weight of the weapons he had to carry around? How many hours has he spent in therapy with his family as a result of PTSD? And so, what right does he have to question the authenticity of my husband?
I'm sick to death of these people who insist they support the troops simply because they vote Republican and slap a ribbon bumper sticker on their SUVs. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SIT YOUR ASSES DOWN.
Today, I saw a friend's husband had the song "Just Came Back From War" on his MySpace profile. You can hear the song here at Darryl Worley's profile. This family is very Conservative and they're pretty wealthy. They're very adamantly opposed to anyone who is anti-Bush. She is the friend I mentioned here.
Honestly, that really offended me. He lives quite the posh life. He's never served at all much less in "war" time. WTF right does he have to post a song that points out how much war changes someone? How dare he do that when the conflict that he supports is changing the men and women who serve in ways he could never possibly imagine. WTF?
My cousin is dying. He has cancer. He's down to 80 lbs. He's in hospice care. Taking the whole family to see him is out of the question (he's 2000 miles away). I'm uncertain about going there alone. This cousin's mother (my aunt after whom I'm named) lost her battle with cancer decades ago. He was only 16 at the time. His sister was 18. His death will leave the same mess. He's leaving behind a 17-year-old daughter and a 15 year-old son. My grandmother's yarzeit was last week. Both my brother's and an aunt's (not the one previously mentioned) are this month. Now it looks like we'll be losing my cousin this month as well. He is such a wonderful person. He's so sweet, so loving, so creative and so much fun. How can this world loose him? Why does the hatred and the stupidity flourish while he wastes away?
And on top of all that, dh and I had discussed trying again for another baby next month. We decided a while ago not to do that, but he can't give me a definite answer on whether or not he wants another. We make these decisions together. He's not going to put his foot down and insist I can't have another child, but at the same time, I don't want to insist that we are regardless of his feelings. So we need to come to an agreement and it just seems like he's pushing it off repeatedly rather than trying to figure out what he wants. Plus, there's a good chance I may not be able to have another baby anyway. I just want a plan. If we find I can't have another child, well then, that decision has been made for us. But I want a plan in the meantime. I want to know that either we're going to start TTC in whatever month or that dh is going to schedule his vasectomy for the near future.
The whole damn world is fucked up. I don't want to deal with all this shit anymore.
I'm frustrated. I'm offended. I'm pissed off. I'm depressed.
Rush Limbaugh is questioning my husband's patriotism. Rush Limbaugh insists those soldiers who don't support the mess in Iraq are "Phony Soldiers." He has since tried to insist his comments were being taken out of context, but in his attempt to do so, he simply shoved his foot further in his mouth.
And how many deployments to Iraq has Rush Limbaugh done? How many times has he been separated from his family by war? How many times was he shot at? How many nights did he stand guard knowing that there was a threat on his military instillation and if that threat came to fruition, he would be expected to throw himself in front of the armed terrorists? How badly do his knees hurt him now as a result of the weight of the weapons he had to carry around? How many hours has he spent in therapy with his family as a result of PTSD? And so, what right does he have to question the authenticity of my husband?
I'm sick to death of these people who insist they support the troops simply because they vote Republican and slap a ribbon bumper sticker on their SUVs. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SIT YOUR ASSES DOWN.
Today, I saw a friend's husband had the song "Just Came Back From War" on his MySpace profile. You can hear the song here at Darryl Worley's profile. This family is very Conservative and they're pretty wealthy. They're very adamantly opposed to anyone who is anti-Bush. She is the friend I mentioned here.
Honestly, that really offended me. He lives quite the posh life. He's never served at all much less in "war" time. WTF right does he have to post a song that points out how much war changes someone? How dare he do that when the conflict that he supports is changing the men and women who serve in ways he could never possibly imagine. WTF?
My cousin is dying. He has cancer. He's down to 80 lbs. He's in hospice care. Taking the whole family to see him is out of the question (he's 2000 miles away). I'm uncertain about going there alone. This cousin's mother (my aunt after whom I'm named) lost her battle with cancer decades ago. He was only 16 at the time. His sister was 18. His death will leave the same mess. He's leaving behind a 17-year-old daughter and a 15 year-old son. My grandmother's yarzeit was last week. Both my brother's and an aunt's (not the one previously mentioned) are this month. Now it looks like we'll be losing my cousin this month as well. He is such a wonderful person. He's so sweet, so loving, so creative and so much fun. How can this world loose him? Why does the hatred and the stupidity flourish while he wastes away?
And on top of all that, dh and I had discussed trying again for another baby next month. We decided a while ago not to do that, but he can't give me a definite answer on whether or not he wants another. We make these decisions together. He's not going to put his foot down and insist I can't have another child, but at the same time, I don't want to insist that we are regardless of his feelings. So we need to come to an agreement and it just seems like he's pushing it off repeatedly rather than trying to figure out what he wants. Plus, there's a good chance I may not be able to have another baby anyway. I just want a plan. If we find I can't have another child, well then, that decision has been made for us. But I want a plan in the meantime. I want to know that either we're going to start TTC in whatever month or that dh is going to schedule his vasectomy for the near future.
The whole damn world is fucked up. I don't want to deal with all this shit anymore.
I'm frustrated. I'm offended. I'm pissed off. I'm depressed.
Monday, August 20, 2007
We're here. We're queer. Get used to it.
Okay, so um...yeah...I'm not gay. Although, hopefully, the homosexual community will forgive me for stealing their slogan for my own use.
I am, however, here. We all are.
Thus far, my coping mechanism has been to just not discuss anything of weight. Don't think too hard about the 10 year anniversary he blew off simply because he was in a bad mood. Don't ask him any questions for which I know full-well he won't have any answers. Stop expecting him to come home with flowers in an attempt to make up for the anniversary debacle (although I still haven't mastered this one). Overall, I just try not to think about it.
And I suspect he's been poking his head in here which I wasn't expecting. I figured he had lost the link a long time ago. Note to the world, but especially my dh, If you say, "Well, the other day you said, 'XYZ'," then make absolutely sure that I actually SAID, "XYZ" and that I didn't just post about it on my blog in a message where I detailed my plans to leave you.
Whoops. That's a bit more bitter than I had planned. Sorry.
Still, if he actually read that post about leaving and I still don't have flowers or kind words or any sign that he actually wants us to stay, it's kind of baffling and painful.
But, I'm not dealing with that shit. I'm doing everything I can to keep my ass here at least until I can meet with the therapist again. That means not thinking about this stuff too deeply and not over-analyzing anything. I will not wallow. I will not go fucking nuts...at least not in the immediate future.
I will, however, go in the other room and watch the Colbert Report. I will take an Ambien so I can quiet down the demons (because ticked off is one thing, but ticked off and grumpy from lack of sleep is a whole 'nother beast). And at least for the next few days, I will post stupid random shit that doesn't dig too deep into my head. So if you want a break from the drama, you're in luck. I will be locking the drama llama up in my basement where I will occasionally pop in and beat the shit out of it with a wooden club when the need arises.
But for now, I'm getting more lemonade and watching some TV.
I am, however, here. We all are.
Thus far, my coping mechanism has been to just not discuss anything of weight. Don't think too hard about the 10 year anniversary he blew off simply because he was in a bad mood. Don't ask him any questions for which I know full-well he won't have any answers. Stop expecting him to come home with flowers in an attempt to make up for the anniversary debacle (although I still haven't mastered this one). Overall, I just try not to think about it.
And I suspect he's been poking his head in here which I wasn't expecting. I figured he had lost the link a long time ago. Note to the world, but especially my dh, If you say, "Well, the other day you said, 'XYZ'," then make absolutely sure that I actually SAID, "XYZ" and that I didn't just post about it on my blog in a message where I detailed my plans to leave you.
Whoops. That's a bit more bitter than I had planned. Sorry.
Still, if he actually read that post about leaving and I still don't have flowers or kind words or any sign that he actually wants us to stay, it's kind of baffling and painful.
But, I'm not dealing with that shit. I'm doing everything I can to keep my ass here at least until I can meet with the therapist again. That means not thinking about this stuff too deeply and not over-analyzing anything. I will not wallow. I will not go fucking nuts...at least not in the immediate future.
I will, however, go in the other room and watch the Colbert Report. I will take an Ambien so I can quiet down the demons (because ticked off is one thing, but ticked off and grumpy from lack of sleep is a whole 'nother beast). And at least for the next few days, I will post stupid random shit that doesn't dig too deep into my head. So if you want a break from the drama, you're in luck. I will be locking the drama llama up in my basement where I will occasionally pop in and beat the shit out of it with a wooden club when the need arises.
But for now, I'm getting more lemonade and watching some TV.
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