Rules that only morons need to hear: What Cannot Be Unseen

Have you ever had to explain something to someone which really should be common sense, but for some reason, it wasn't for that particular person?

Don't speak loudly and in great detail at the gym about the best blow job you ever gave, particularly when there are elderly ladies on the treadmill next to you is one such rule.

I came across another one last weekend that needs sharing: While at a restaurant, do not EVER speak of anything you have seen on a television segment titled anything remotely similar to, "What Cannot Be Unseen."

This should be common sense, but it wasn't to the group of ladies a few tables down from us at a restaurant. After hearing about one such segment (again, in great detail), I had to put down my food because I had lost my appetite. Now, I don't have a weak stomach, so if even I was grossed out, you can rest assured what you just discussed (LOUDLY AND IN GREAT DETAIL) was completely inappropriate in an establishment where eating takes place (or at least DID before you grossed people out).

So, what other rules have you felt compelled to clarify for the morons?

Biology: Ur Doing It Rong

For your Bio 101 lesson of the day, I want to explain genetics.

The child's adorable little dimple is NOT from you Great Aunt Olga. You cannot attribute the brown hair to the child's mother's brother. Well, you could, but then you'd be wrong.

DNA comes from the parents. Dad's brother had nothing to do with the creation of this child (well, at least we all hope). So no, that little girl did NOT get her straight hair from Uncle Isaac (unless there's something we don't know). She and Uncle Isaac may very well have inherited the gene that determines hair type from the same source, though, but there is no possible way he passed it along to her SINCE HE PLAYED NO PART IN HER CONCEPTION.

Now that I have shared this information with the world, there will be no reason I will have to refrain from smacking someone the next time one of my father-in-law's sisters says something like, "Oh, she gets that dimple from her great aunt." Knowing, after all, is half the battle (the other half is BEATING SENSE INTO PEOPLE).

While we're on the topic of biology, let Professor Reiza tell you that, in the case of twins, the mother is the only one who determines that. Don't go patting dad on the back for doing anything spectacular. It was mom who either released two eggs or provided conditions in which a single egg could split. Also, you can save yourself the trouble of inquiring as to whether or not twins run in the dad's family. See above. Although, a father can pass down that genetic tendency to his daughters if his mother had fraternal twins. However, if his father's mother had twins, then nope, no deal.

My favorite response to, "Do twins run in your family," is, "Now they do."

Professor Reiza would also like to remind you that, when the answer to, "How far apart are they," is "One minute," chances are that they're twins. Please don't stare at the parents with your brow furrowed completely unable to comprehend that any children could possibly be a minute apart. Please don't follow that question up with, "Are they sisters/brothers/cousins/guinea pigs?" And in the case of flustered parents of twins of any age (particularly newborn), please refrain from distracting them to ask questions of any type (particularly stupid ones). Smile at them. Nod. Then GET THE HELL OUT OF THEIR WAY.

Now you know. Go forth and share your knowledge with the world. Class dismissed.

My wish for the New Year

There are many things I hope 2010 brings those I love. I figured I'd take the opportunity to share them with you all.

In 2010, I hope...

• The stupid people stay far away from you.

• That if a few of those stupid people wander into your path (or if they live in your house, so you have no other choice), I hope you have a really big stick, a great aim and a complete lack of remorse.

• Should you be unable to beat the stupid people senseless, I hope you have the perfect comeback for their stupidity and that, after you slap them with that witty retort, they either change their ways and stop being stupid or they read this and FOLLOW THE FREAKING RULES.

• That your children are absolute angels

• And that if that last one doesn't happen and you're in public, I hope there's enough room to distance yourself from them so that no one realizes they're yours.

• If they disregard that angel part and you're not in public, I hope you have a padded sound-proof room to shove them into until they CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

• You have TWO padded sound-proof rooms so that you have the option of locking yourself in one if need be.

• Someone finds the secret for yummy calorie-free (kosher) alcohol and chocolate.

• Someone perfects that whole, "Beam me up, Scotty" machine.

• You laugh at an endless supply of truly funny lolcats.

• That your kids continue to supply you with an array of funny phrases.

• That when your kids say those funny things, they do so quietly and FAR away from church/shul.

• That the vast majority of your days are wonderful and you have one bad (but not awful) day a month so that you can always truly appreciate those great days.

• Those around you always let you know how awesome you are.

• That you continue to rock on with your bad-ass self.

Santa is dead.

Dear strangers,

Please do not ask my children if Santa is coming to visit them. If you should violate that first rule, then please, when they answer, "No," to your question, do not insist they must be wrong. When they politely, but firmly, continue to deny that a fat bearded strange man will break into our house, please do not insist that then my wonderful Jewish children must have been very naughty. Otherwise, I may be forced to teach my children to then loudly announce, "No. We haven't been naughty at all. Lying to children, however, is very naughty."

And yes, they would recite that and, knowing my son, recite it loudly.

The Anonymity of Fame

Every once in a while, I start wondering if I could be a little less anonymous. I try hard to keep much of my identifying information to myself. Shhhh, it's a secret from the Blogosphere. I don't post pictures of my kids. I don't reveal names. You won't find our home state anywhere on this blog. I've never mentioned my husband's career or what branch of the military in which he served.

This, however, means that I must go to great lengths to keep my private life and my my little lovenest here in the blogosphere separate. Some days, I just want to tear those walls down and share with folks on both sides.

I think my kids are cute and I'd love to show you some of the adorable pictures I've taken of them over the years. I have video footage of my husband's homecoming that I wish I could post. I'd love to be able to make some videos for vlog posts. Heck, I'd like to be able to come out and say, "Yeah, that's me." I've skipped events for bloggers and twitter meetups because I'm fairly anonymous. I need to be careful so that the twitterverse and my personal life don't mix and that's very difficult to do.

Every once in a while, I go through a phase where I come *this* close to outing myself. Although, usually, when that happens, something smacks me in the face and reminds me exactly why I like my anonymity. My last outing phase came crashing down in flames when Gina at The Feminist Breeder had incidents with a stalker. That creep knew WAY too much about Gina and was harassing her. Well, that stomped all over my desire to let myself be known. Situations like that remind me exactly why I try so hard to keep my information private. On the internets, you just never know. This blog has gotten hits from all over the world. I find that both fascinating and frightening.

I can sense my inner pendulum swinging back the other way, though. I'm, once again, beginning to wonder about sharing more information.

What about you? How much information do you share? Have you ever regretted it? Has being known in the blogosphere ever helped you? Has it created problems?

An open letter to the world in regards to this huge circus of people I call a family

Dear world,

Yes, I know I have children. Yes, I know I have more than the 2.3 that has become the norm. Yes, I really do dare to step outside my home with said children. You've noticed. I know. What you may not have noticed, however, is we want, we adore and we are responsible for and with our children.

I'm sure you didn't notice that. How could you? You were far too busy gasping from shock at the sight of our gaggle of children. That sharp inhale of copious amounts of oxygen must have left you light-headed to the point where you missed that entirely. I realize the sight of four children is simply shocking. I apologize for not always having an extra person with me to catch the fainting folks who are so stunned at the sight of our gigantic reality-show-sized family.

I'll make you a deal. I'll try to be more considerate if you try to be less of a moron. What say you, world? Do we have a deal?

Sincerely,
Reiza (and the huge family you think should be featured on TLC)

Photo courtesy of Awkward Family Photos. I suspect this is how my family appears to most folks.

On my own, pretending he is beside me

A friend recently said something along the lines of, "I should be in single-mom mode all the time. It's the only way things get done. Leaving things for my husband to do hasn't worked at all, but if I do them, it's less stress because I know they'll get done."

My sister is headed out of town for a pretty stressful event. She has to leave early in the morning. She told me she had to make sure to make the kids' lunches before then. When I asked why her husband couldn't do it in the morning, she said he made lunch for the kids once and screwed it up. So now she has to do it all the time.

I find myself struggling with my husband more so recently in regards to housework. Still, he does a portion of the work around here. He did a larger portion in years past and I'd like to find a better balance, but he does some work regardless. This is his home too.

My husband's lower level of help falls at "mildly annoying," on the "Giant Scale of Suckage." Sometimes, the refusal to help is absolutely vicious. A hugely pregnant friend's husband refused to do the one thing she needed help with around the house (and anything else for that matter. She did absolutely everything else), so after asking and then making it impossible for him to ignore, she had to do it herself (this was a big task and involved heavy moving/lifting) and wound up spotting in late pregnancy. She was fine and brushed it off, but I was absolutely furious. This was years ago, but it still makes my blood boil even now.

I don't mean to sound anti-male. I absolutely detest male bashing. It's just that many of my friends' husbands leave me ranging from baffled to absolutely fuming with their behavior. These are exhausted women who are busting their butts at home, with their kids, with various projects, with work outside the home, etc. So why do their husbands expect them to do it all alone? Why is it acceptable for their husbands to do so?

What on earth is going on? How is this acceptable?

Need a good laugh?

Go read this. I'm crying from laughing so hard. Stupid people may piss me off, but brilliant people brighten my day. Brilliant sarcastic people are my very own ray of sunshine.

Head over to Deb on the Rocks and read about her e-mail battle of the wits. It's not too long, but it is hysterical.

One reason to move to Israel

In Israel (at least in the religious neighborhoods), I doubt you'd have a construction crew right outside your bedroom window insanely early on Shabbat morning TEARING UP THE FREAKING CURB.

This, of course, is AFTER I was up all night with a vomiting little boy (not sick, but something he ate at oneg after services upset his stomach) and was so looking forward to sleeping in.

Sister Sunshine: 5. Common sense: 0

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Let's say you continuously harass your family and friends with stupid "Get rich" e-mails.
Let's say one such family member asks if those have ever worked.
Let's say your answer to the aforementioned question is, "Of course not."

Then please, PLEASE, explain to us WHY YOU KEEP DOING IT?

Common sense, Ur Doeng it rong!

Parenting and helplessness

We feel helpless at times when we have children. It's just part of the packaged deal. We do what we can, but there are things that are out of our hands. I expected that when I had children.

What I did not expect, however, was to feel so helpless in regards to my PARENTS. They are the adults. They are the ones who look out for me. Now, suddenly, it's the other way around and that's terrifying.

My parents are elderly and they are far away. My mother, however worked full-time until she lost her job fairly recently. My father still works full-time. They have never been the frail types that come to mind when one pictures an older couple.

So it was a particular shock when my mother had surgery recently and she found herself in a number of very dangerous situations--all of which could have been avoided if someone was there to help. If I could have been with her, there was so much I could have done for her. They live much too far away, though, so that wasn't an option.

My mother is making ridiculous decisions which are costing them a lot of money. No, she doesn't suffer from dementia of any sort. So I didn't expect it and don't understand it. She's wasting money due to stupid decisions. Yes, among other things, my mother fell prey to that stupid Acai berry scam. I thought everyone knew to avoid it. My mother, however, did not, and was charged several hundred dollars. She recently got it in her head that she MUST do something RIGHT NOW in a manner which would obviously waste money. I tried giving her suggestions for another way to go about it and she agreed I was right, but refused to change her plans. What I thought would waste a few hundred dollars wound up actually costing her THREE THOUSAND. She does NOT have the money to pull this.

I should pause here to offer my gratitude to decent people. She tried to hire someone to do something (that doesn't need to be done and will cost about $10,000). One person gave her a ridiculous bid. The next, though, came out and actually told her that doing what she wanted would be a waste of money. That meant that this man did NOT get an easy job where he could have bilked her for quite a bit of money. Instead, he was honest and put her welfare before his own income. She actually listened to him and canceled those costly plans. Thank you, kind sir. You will never know how much we appreciate what you've done.

Most people, however, are not like that. And so, here I sit, far away, wringing my hands and yelling into the phone when trying to talk sense into my mother doesn't work.

All you need is love common sense.

Love is a great thing. Love is a useful thing. Love makes the world go round and all that crap.

Love, however, is not enough. In all matters, one must have common sense. I can't tell you how many couples (younger and older) I knew who opted to get married because they were in love. They overlooked lots of issues (large and small) because, "We're in love and that's all that matters." The vast majority of those people are no longer married today.

I see such a huge lack of common sense in the world today. People love fiercely. They love their spouse with all their heart. They smother their children with love. They love their diety of choice in a frightening manner. Yet they lack any common sense.

I admit that I, too, have wondered where the hell I left my common sense. I've had those moments. There's no denying that. My life, however, is not one big common sense vacuum. My religious beliefs, my political beliefs, my love is not a vacuum wherein no common sense can exist.

That, however, is not the case for many people and this scares the hell out of me.

"Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe." Frank Zappa

I've got all my sisters and me, but unfortunately, it appears one of us missed out on the common sense train.

For those keeping score:
Sister Sunshine: 3. Common Sense: 0

Yes, oh yes. I got ANOTHER theft or a religious idol in an attempt to gain wealth.

Oh yes. We've been here before.
Submitted for approval of the midnight society are exhibits one and two.

This e-mail contains a picture of the "Sacred Angel," (let me remind you, yet again: Me-Jewish. Sister Sunshine-Atheist) and promises

"If you have passed it on, your wish will come
True and money will come your way shortly. "

FTR, "Money" is highlighted in red in the forward. I didn't do that just to point out that, once again, we have an e-mail that bastardizes a figure from someone else's religion in the hopes of monetary gain.

I hope your wish isn't to keep your friends because forwarding crap like this will make them run screaming from you. I'm related to Sister Sunshine, so I don't have that luxury.

The chain mail urges you to

Send this to all your good friends online to show them
You are friends.

Sending this to all your good friends will not show them you are friends. It will show them that you are an asshole.

If you get this back from:
1 person - you are lonely
2 people - you have a couple friends, but not many
3 people - you have a few friends...
4 people - you have some friends...
5 people - you have several friends!!
6 people - you have many friends! !!
7 people - you are SOOOO loved!!!
Remember, no man or woman is a failure who has a friend!

You are, however, a failure, if you continue yanking the chain and send this thing on it's horridly lonely quest to Spamalot. If you get this back from 7 people, it's not proof that you are "SOOOO loved." It's proof that you are friends with idiots.

If I could sit on the porch with G-d, the first thing I would do is thank him for you....
Author unknown

If I could sit across the porch (from) you, I'd smack you and tell you to cut it out with the freaking chain letters already!

How Breastfeeding Saved My Life

No, it's not what you think.

Last night, my house may very well have burned down, but breastfeeding saved us all. Feel free to laugh at my expense and/or stand in awe of the power of breastfeeding.

TheBaby absolutely refused to wake up to nurse when I went to bed. I tried to sleep, but was too engorged. I grumbled a whole host of expletives while I hauled my tired butt out of bed to go get the pump. I had to go through the kitchen to get it. When I did, there sat our cheapy coffeemaker staring at me with one bright red eye.

Our cheapy coffee maker is not nealry sophisticated enough to have an auto off feature. It's also very different from it's more expensive counterparts in that, when left on, it does not continue to brew the coffee, it just burns. If left long enough, it has the potential to ignite. That single red eye, yeah, that was the "on" button.

I set it up to brew before I went to bed with plans of turning it off before I did. Unfortunatley, I forgot all about it. It had been on for over an hour by that point. If not for the necessity of pumping, the whole house could have burned down as a result of my need for caffeinated goodness in the early morning hours.

Now there's a benefit of breastfeeding I'll bet you never read about in text books.

Anyone else out there have any other "off label" benefits you've found to breastfeeding?

It's a baby, not a disease.

Dh and I had a date night tonight. It was our first in a very long time. We won a gift certificate to a nice restaurant, so we left the big kids in capable hands, grabbed the baby and went. We freaked the hostesses out in the process.

Now this is a nice restaurant, but it welcomes families. They have high chairs and car seat slings available. This is not a ritzy, ridiculously expensive, no high chairs for miles kind of place.

I usually prefer to put the baby in the sling, but when we go out to eat, we usually bring her in her car seat because she tends to fall asleep and she can nap there which leaves me free to get close enough to the table to actually eat.

So we walked in, dressed nicely, carrying the oh so cute baby in the car seat. The two hostesses' eyes went wide. They looked horrified. One couldn't turn fast enough to grab the phone and pretend she was talking on it. The other ignored us. Someone else had to come up from the side to seat us.

I thought I may have misinterpreted their reactions, but when I mentioned it to dh later, he said he saw the same thing.

WTF? She's a baby, not a disease. She's a cute baby too. The few patrons there (it was far from busy) commented on how cute she was. So why the hell did the staff have such an issue with her? I understand the childless movement. I'm obviously not a member of it, but I completely understand why some folks don't want children. I also understand that there are places not at all suitable for children. This was not one of those places. This was the same restaurant where my entire family went when the twins were just 2 months old. This is the same restaurant where dh and I celebrated an anniversary with the twins when they were a year old. We've never had a problem. The whole thing was so bizarre.

The cute little baby won't bite your head off, I swear. I, however, just might if you don't cut that out.

No Saving Money or Recycling for Parents

You'll notice a new little image on my side bar.

I've been promoting the "Save Handmade" campaign, but I never realized the CPSIA was this far-reaching: Gov't Says, Sorry, No More Reselling Your Kids' Stuff

I've sold and donated used kids' things. I buy consignment all the time. I prefer to buy kids' and maternity clothes from consignment shops. It's one of the tips I give for those trying to "Go Green," (if you reuse items instead of buying new, there will be less to fill the landfills). I've Freecycled lots of my kids' old things. I'm a big fan of garage sales. We wouldn't have been able to clothe twins all these years (and now their little brother and soon the new one) without consignment shops, garage sales and the kindness of friends with hand-me-downs.

This could be an even bigger disaster than I ever imagined.

I'm thankful for...

My kids are all happily playing together in the yard. It's a nice warmish day. Yummy food and the Macy's parade are just days away. Dh has TWO days off for Thanksgiving (the first time EVER). Obama won the election. Ann Coulter's jaw has been wired shut. Does it get any better than this?

Has modern technology left you completely useless?

It all started back in high school when we were required to use graphing calculators for higher level math. I was one who struggled with my multiplication tables in the 3rd grade, but by the start of high school, I impressed even myself with the speed at which I could do math, almost without effort. Then we had to rely on those horrid technological crutches in order to do math that we never saw in the real world. In the process, we all lost our ability to do quick calculations in our heads. I noticed it among all my friends in all different level math classes. To this day, I have not regained that ability nor can I calculate a curve or do anything remotely resembling the calculus I was forced to endure in high school.

Now, our phones have memory options. My home phone lets me use the caller ID to contact a friend who called previously. On my cell phone, all my frequent numbers are assigned a single digit.

Last week, we were out without my phone, so dh took a picture on his phone that I wanted to send to my sister's cell. He asked, "What's her number?" To which, I could only reply, "6." I don't believe I have ever actually dialed her cell phone number other than when I initially entered it in my phone book on my cell.

I have no idea what some of my friends' e-mail addresses are. I type in their name or nickname (and in some cases, I don't even have to type the full name and it will auto fill) and the rest is automatically filled in.

Just now, I grabbed the home phone and sat down to call a friend. Only NOW can I dial her number (which is very simple). She's had it for at least a year. In the past, I just left her on the caller ID and scrolled through to find her.

I have a fabulous memory for random things. I can remember my first grade best friend's phone number (which I just googled and found has been assigned to someone completely different). I can remember birth dates for people I haven't seen in 10 or even 20 years. I can quote statistics off the top of my head. Yet, thanks to the modern marvel of technology, I can't even remember current phone numbers.

Please tell me I'm not alone here.

Walmart breeds stupidity.

Dear moron at Wal-Mart,

It is not ever appropriate to PUSH someone else's child. Saying, "Excuse me," and immediately using both hands to shove the child out of the way is never an acceptable behavior. Getting snippy when the mother responds with, "Please don't push my children," is also not appropriate. Insisting you did not touch the child when 4 people saw you do it (3 of them not within the child's family) is also not the best idea.

Who in the world thinks that is appropriate? Dh said that if he had seen it (he was around the corner), he would have restrained the woman. Yeah, now THAT'S a good idea. I really didn't want to make a scene, but she just pushed my child right in front of me. WTF? She didn't even give the kid a chance to move after she said, "Excuse me." She just shoved her.

WTF is wrong with people?

The only proper title for this is, "WTF?"

Maman et Bebe refers to this as It's Like My Super Sweet Sixteen On Crack which is also accurate.

What in the world are people thinking? The extravagance. The cost. The hoochie-mama clothes on tiny little girls. The attitudes.

WTF?