I had a bad feeling all yesterday. I purposely put on the Beatles (one my cousin's favorites) and just thought about him all day. When I didn't get a call from the family near him, I brushed it off.
Last night, I had a dream about him. He looked like his old self (since he was diagnosed with cancer, he appears to have aged about 30 years). He was lucid. We chatted quite a bit. When I woke up, in those moments before you realize everything that just happened only did so in your mind, I felt so happy and relieved that I got to talk to him. Alas, it was just a dream.
Then, during the day, I had this awful sense. Again, I played the Beatles and thought of my cousin. On my way home from the gym, I called my mom.
My cousin is in a coma. The doctors say the only reason he hasn't passed away yet is because he has a strong heart.
I now have no chance to say, "Goodbye" to him. I can't tell him how much I have always loved him or how I looked up to him. I can't explain how I always felt a connection with him. We've always been the creative souls in the family. I will never be able to tell him what a wonderful person I think he is and how I feel blessed to not only have known him, but to even share the same blood line.
I pray his family finds comfort. I just can't get over the fact that he's leaving teenage children behind. The two youngest are the same age this cousin and his sister were when their mother passed away from cancer.
I just can't believe it. I cannot comprehend it. I can't deal.