Waiting for the world to change

Please forgive me. I'm under the influece. but before I haed off to bed, i needted to get this out there.

Every night, I find myself jupming up at every noise 'cause I' m afraid it's the phonte. I din'ot want to answer the phone. I don' twant bad news. At this point, we expect to hear of my cousin's demise any day now. Bubbe seemed to be doing fairly well, but she changes so quickly and so severely. wE wory that each phone call will be the one to tell us that a dear spirit no longer walks among us. That would absolutely break my hart.

I'm so far away. There's nothing I can do. I want to do something to comfort them, but I just don't know what.

I'm dealing with the intellectual uncertainty; their bodies are very weak. They cannot continue to work or thrive. They are just waiting to die. Soon, they wil be gone. They are not long for this earth. I can deal with that concept inside my head, but whe n I have to let my heart try it's hand at the same equatiion, the answer is always far more emotional and horrifying. The reality of it is just unfathonable. I've lost many many people, but for some reason, I just cannot accept the reality of death.

I'm tired. I' m loopy. I should end here. I'm just feeling dreadful. It's similar to how I described my emtions while dh was deployed. The tension sure as hell is excruciating.

I want to fall to the ground screaming, "PLEASE DON'T TAKE THEM AWAY FROM ME."