Someone in my family is having a baby. This is AWFUL news. This child is unplanned. The parents are not married (which I realize isn't the end of the world, but from what I hear, they're not even all that stable), only one of them is working and one of them is a pedophile.
I know he is, but my family is in utter denial. They have been for years. So family members have taken to happily e-mailing/calling to tell me about this baby. I yelled at my mother when I spoke to her today. Now I don't do that. I do not yell at my mom. I do not curse around my mom. Yet today, when she acted out-right giddy about the whole disaster, I went off. She then insisted it was no business of mine what they decide to do (they're keeping the baby). I yelled, "When they're introducing a new little fuck-up into the world, it's all of our business." I apologized as soon as the word was out of my mouth, but I meant it.
This guy's grandfather abused his father, so his father abused him and waged war against my whole family (tried to kill us all and almost succeeded more than once), and then, of course, he went on to be abusive.
A family member sent me a happy e-mail saying she predicted a boy. My first thought was, "I sure as hell hope so." This guy likes little girls. I'm talking LITTLE. I refused to leave him alone with my 4-year-old cousin when I saw how he reacted to her. But then I started thinking about the cycle. If it is a boy, chances are we'll just be releasing another psychopath into the world who will abuse more people.
I cannot put into words how much I hate this person. I try desperately not to hate anyone, but I realized long ago that if he was to die, I would not only be relieved, but absolutely ecstatic. I know that sounds awful, but I won't apologize for it. If he was dead, he couldn't hurt anyone else. If he was dead, I wouldn't have to worry about him reproducing. His mother got pregnant with him when she was young and unmarried. She got married, had the baby and kept him. I know I have some readers who would never ever agree with me on this, but I wish with all my heart that she had had an abortion. The cycle could have ended there.
I'm at such a loss right now. I have so many emotions that they're leaving me numb. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to run the hell away. I spent a portion of the night in bed with the girls last night. How the hell do I protect them? Not only do these evil people exist, but they keep reproducing either biologically or through the people they abuse (often, those people are one in the same). We can't run away from it. How can I protect my kids from it?
And now we have this latest disaster. What am I supposed to feel? How the hell can I deal with these emotions? Do I even want to? It just seems like it would be so much easier to be numb. How the hell do I get my husband to understand that I need him right now? How can I tell the family to STOP FREAKING E-MAILING ME SONOGRAM PICTURES? How do I get my mom to understand that this is NOT good news and I don't want to happily chat about it? If I just jump in the car and drive, how far will I get before it all hits me?