"I can't stand myself. I can't stand my life. I can't stand in these six-inch heels anymore."

Title is from the Comeandgetit version of Liz Phair's Hurricane Cindy. That song (although not neccesarily that line, but I do so love that part) pretty much sums up my mood for yesterday.

I had another therapist appointment on Thursday. It left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Something came up Wednesday evening with dh and a woman with which he works. It really wasn't anything at all and I wrote to dh about it. He wrote back. I understood it. I wasn't bothered. I brought the situation up with the therapist just to see if she thought I handled it well. She said I did, but then she told me she was worried about the situation. Even when I wrote to dh, I was bothered by something he did/didn't do. I was never concerned about his relationship with this woman. I went to the appointment feeling pretty good. Things with dh have been SO much better lately. I left the appointment feeling pretty mixed up.

I went to the gym yesterday and I just wound up with too much time with my own thoughts. The t.v. there is always on and Evangeline Lilly was on an old episode of Ellen (more on that in another post). At first, I marvelled at how CUTE she is. She was far cuter there than she ever is on Lost.

Then it hit me--she's younger than I am. I'm not at all concerned about age. If anything, I wish I was older. One of my sisters cried when she turned 30. I can't even imagine that. Anyway, I sat there, pedaling my heart out on the bike looking at this gorgeous skinny woman. Why are there always mirrors everywhere at gyms? Mine is no different, so I saw the contrast between myself and this gorgeous woman on t.v. I plummeted head first into feeling sorry for myself.

From the title song:

Put it on the stereo and play
All my life I've wanted them to say
A few things about me
I feel beautiful today
Lovely, I feel beautiful

I just don't feel attractive. I'm not getting the feedback I hoped for. So I continued to wander through the abyss that is my mind. It lead me to MySpace. You see, a few months ago, I got a random message from some guy I don't know. He was from my area. I think he was about 22. This was the message, "It's too bad you're married because you're gorgeous." I kept it for a while, then I felt guilty, so I deleted it. I never had any plans of responding to him (WTF need do I have for a 22 year old boy?), but I've never heard anything like that before. In all honesty, I can count on one hand the number of times dh has complimented my appearance. I've never been called, "Gorgeous" before.

Of course, that comment was made about a picture of me back when I was a size 1 (yes, I seriously did fit into a 1 a few years back. Actually, I had a pair of size 0 jeans, but they were always a bit snug. And no, I was not sickly thin. Yes, this was after having twins. I was thinner AFTER having the twins than I ever was before). So as I worked out in front of yet another mirror; I was disgusted at myself for being this size, I was let down that dh doesn't usually say anything about my appearance and I was mad at the world because I bust my butt at the gym all the time and I'm not seeing the results I want.

Lots of other little things happened that just piled on top of my existing mood. I just was not a happy camper.

Then dh called last night. I felt MUCH better about the "situation" with that woman. That relieved a lot of the stress. Still dealing with the size/appearance issues, but I feel like I can be a lot more productive about it now. I'll post more about that later. And I think after that phone call, I now need two hands to count the number of times he has complimented my appearance. In all honesty, I would like more than that, but hey, it's more than I had yesterday and while "more" may not be "insane amounts of gushing praise," it's still more. I can deal with that.