Where to go from here?

When I was a kid, I knew exactly what I wanted to do when I grew up. I had specific plans and everything. Sure I wanted to do different things at different stages, but at each of those times, I knew exactly what I wanted to become.

So why am I now sitting here, very much the adult with a degree and letters after my name, but I don't know what I want to do with my life?

I've been out of the official working world for a few years now. Even then, I don't want to go back to an office. I'm not an office person. I'm a Pisces. You can't box in a Pisces. We need room to create. True, I worked for a non-profit which goes right along with that whole helping others thing that's indicative of Pisces, but it's just not where I want to stay for the rest of my life.

No acting for me (I was originally a Drama/English major). Well, being short is partly responsible for ruling that one out. I could have continued on to the theatre, though, but I didn't. My only connection to that life now are the ghosts of characters past that still haunt the stage. That and the ability to randomly recite lines from plays/musicals in which I performed many moons ago. It's a nifty parlor trick. :-)

I can still write. Heck, I'm doing that right now. Aside from blogging (which I picked up again in part to keep me writing), I've written articles and essays on all sorts of things. Some have been published. But I don't do that as a career. I still hope to, but I just don't have the time and effort to put into that right now.

Over the past year, I've considered going down a very different path. I don't dare speak its name because honestly, it terrifies me. It's not something I ever considered doing until I was forced to walk through a nightmare. I'm still not completely awake, but I've been far more lucid these past months. There was a point when everywhere I looked reminded me of what I lost. In all honesty, I haven't even much thought about the ordeal in quite some time, though. Maybe that's only because we've been so busy. Then again, if we let our worlds start moving again to the point where there's enough chaos and kisses to cover up the bitterness, maybe that IS working through things.

Another reason I keep quiet is because I worry. I worry I'm too old to start over. I worry that my interest is only fueled now because I'm still so close to the event. Is this something I'll want to do in a year? 10 years? I worry that I'm not the right person for the job. It requires so much. I don't know that I have all the traits necessary. Those around me who do the job are just phenomenal--some of the most amazing people I've ever met. A huge part of me thinks, "I could never be as strong/patient/calm/(insert happy adjective here) as they are." Then another part of me beats that part up because you never know if you don't try. I just don't know if I have the strength, effort, or time to try. I just don't know if it's something for which I'm suited.

FYI, I decided to search for jobs based on my astrological sign. No, I'm not ruled by Astrology, I just find it interesting. It's particularly interesting that I am such a classic Pisces. My husband, however, doesn't fit his sign AT ALL. I'm pretty sure his mother has lied to him about his birthday all these years.

We have this site which I found very informative (and pretty accurate): Astrology Zone. Note that according to the link, Pisces is the most common sign among millionaires. Not out to be a millionaire, but I found that interesting.

Here's another link Pisces Workers.

• Consumed with their pursuits, Pisceans tend to feel things more intensely than most, a quality which is aided by their keen intuition. Sometimes this can be a bit overwhelming, but the idealistic Fish wouldn't have it any other way. Serving and helping others is their raison d'etre, and they enjoy sharing their empathetic tendencies along the way. Pisceans tend to be artistically blessed as well and enjoy using the world as their muse.
• A desire to assist both artistic and humanitarian causes is exactly what the Fish crave. Advocating for the National Endowment for the Arts while extolling the virtues of anti-land mine campaigns would be a dream life for many a Pisces. If they could play their guitar or recite poetry at rallies, even better. The Achilles heel of Pisceans may be their tendency to dally in a dream state much too long. A reality check every now and again can be helpful.

Um...Yeah.

And I found this on a few different sites:

• Pisces ( Feb. 19-March 20) Pisces are generous, friendly, sensitive, popular, artistic, versatile, compassionate and spiritual. You will do well in any of the arts: drama, literature, painting, music, but your compassion also makes you well-suited for philanthropy and judicial positions.

So what does that mean for me? I'm not going to plan my future based on what my horoscope suggests, but I was kinda hoping this would give me a kick in the butt. Aside from the judicial position thing, I could see myself doing any one of those. Yet this magical mystical kinda/sorta/maybe/not quite/"He who must not be named" career isn't listed.

AHHHHHHHH. Now what? Does any of those say Pisces are indecisive? Because yeah, that's how I'm feeling right about now.

Hey, I've got a baby and a deployed husband. So for the time being, I don't have to make any definitive plans. I just wish I had a clue about where I'm supposed to go from here.