Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The feeling stays with me still.

The Boy decided to wake up a bunch during the night and to refuse to go back to sleep when he woke up at the buttcrack of dawn. Pardon me while I growl.

At one point, when I was still delusional enough to think he'd fall back asleep in the swing, I lie in bed with my arm out to the side. I got to thinking about missing dh and I realized I was in the same position I wanted so desperately to hold tightly to just a few hours before dh deployed. Moving my hand along the sheets where dh once slept, I felt the lonliness like a weight in my chest.

A few months ago, I was in that exact same pose as I touched him, felt his warmth, watched the rise and fall with each breath. Now I'm alone.

I suspect fear is a part of why I've been feeling the lonliness so acutely as of late. With all the talk of civil war in Iraq , the bombings in India, the potential for nuclear war with North Korea and Iran (which is very near dh), I think a part of my subconscious is absolutely terrified. My conscious side tries to stay rational, but you can't help the fear from creeping in. Something I've always secretly done is purposely listen to dh's heartbeat when I rest my head on his chest. Ever since we were dating, I did it with the knowledge that some day, that sound will cease to exist.

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