"For it is such a long time since my better days. I say my prayers nightly, this will pass away.

Title from 10,000 Maniacs Like the Weather

I started the day off feeling pretty blah. I was the posterchild for malaise. It came out of nowhere yesterday and it was hanging around. Now, though, it's more than that. I'm feeling pretty depressed. That's making me think about the things that bother me and so I'm stuck in the cycle.

I started off this morning thinking "I'd love to just stay in bed all day." With kindergarteners and a baby, though, that's just not possible. I had plans with the sister, but I considered just calling them off and hiding out at home all day. I was really looking forward to it, though. I figured getting out with her was probably the best thing for me. Part of those plans got cancelled, so I figured, "Screw this. I'm hiding out in bed." The girls were at camp and The Boy was asleep, so it was doable. Well, not long after that (before I got a chance to fall asleep), The Boy woke up. I was not a happy camper.

I wrote to dh about stuff. I'm pretty sure he won't write back. But when he doesn't, that's gonna crush me because I always write these deep emotional letters hoping maybe this time he'll respond. He very rarely ever does (and by "very rarely" I mean he has responded once the entire time he's been gone). Even then, it's was 2 or 3 lines which don't really deal with any of the issues raised. The short version of the long story is that I'm left feeling unnecessary, unattractive, and unloved. FTR, True Wife Confessions featured a confession of mine this past weekend. It deals with this topic. I opted to send dh a link. He hasn't responded. I really thought it would since by not responding, he's basically saying my suspicions are correct.

I so don't need this shit right now. Well, I never need/want it, but particularly not now.

I want to get out of the house. I want to do something to keep myself occupied. I want to meet up with friends and do something--anything, but I can't set myself up for more disappointment. I just can't take it.