Dear morons at Wal-Mart

Yes I shop at Wal-Mart. Yes, I know a bunch of my friends boycott the place. Yeah, I see where they're coming from, but my sanity is more important than lofty ideals right now and being able to get all that stuff in one place helps keep me something that remotely resembles sane (at least to the outside world).

Here's a post I've wanted to write since our shopping trip yesterday.

Dear Lady at Wal-Mart,

Yes, you with the double seater cart and one single child--one single child who was about 6 or 7--more than old enough to walk alongside the cart. You suck! Do you see me standing here with my three kids including the 4-year-old twins who are constantly in the middle of the aisle, getting left behind because something catches their eye (Ohhh, shiny), and grabbing at the glass bottles on the shelves? Do you hear me cursing you out under my breath because I needed one of those carts and there were none to be found?

I wonder if you have one of those nifty yellow "I support our troops" magnets on your car because you know what, by taking that cart, you have made my life far more difficult. I have no choice. My husband is deployed. I must bring all three children food shopping with me. So by taking that cart, you are very much NOT supporting our troops. Next time, instead of slapping a magnet on your car, trying being courteous. Nearly every military wife I know has at least two children 5 and under. We need those carts.

Dear cowboy-hat-wearing-PITA who wouldn't move your cart,

You suck too. Do you have anything that remotely resembles common sense? You put your cart SIDEWAYS so that it took up nearly the entire aisle. Then you stood by the handle and your kids both stood at the front of the cart--thereby making it ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to get by. So when my son was screaming, I was holding him, awkwardly using only one hand to maneuver the cart (since the other hand was holding the child), and I wanted desperately to quickly get through the store, I had to stand there and say excuse me TWICE before your kids would move. You never even looked up. I HATE YOU.

Dear elderly couple who insisted on blocking the bread aisle,

Normally you'd get a "Get out of jail free" card because you're elderly. You weren't just old, though, you were stupid too. So all free passes are out the window. You never did move to let me through. That meant I had to leave my kids with my cart (since you wouldn't move your cart at all to make room), carrying the screaming child, and step sideways past your cart to get down the aisle. So when I have to do the same contortionist act to get back through while carrying bread, don't look at me like I'm on crack. I am not on crack. You're just obnoxious and inconsiderate.

Dear the buyers/stock boys at Wal-Mart,

Where is my spicy popcorn? Why was it not on the shelves? If it was simply out of stock, then shame on you. I adore that popcorn. If you have stopped ordering it, then you suck. If the company has stopped making it, then they can go to hell (as I'm sure they will because I believe G-d will find that to be an abomination). I want my popcorn, damn it!

Dear my children,

What part of "stay to the side," do you not understand? Why must you dance in the center of the aisles? Why must you grab at the glass jars? Why do you pitch a fit when I won't buy you chocolate cookies? I have NEVER bought you chocolate cookies, so where the hell is this coming from? Cut that out. It's driving me insane.

And why, oh why must you go to the bathroom EVERY SINGLE TIME we go to Wal-Mart? Why is their bathroom so much more appealing to you than ours? Why can't you pee before we leave the house and then suck it up for the hour I must shop?

That is all (for now at least. We'll go food shopping again this week and I'm sure I'll have more to rant about then).

Now pardon me while I bash my head against the wall.