Friday, December 28, 2007

A tutorial from my son

Many of the craft blogs I frequent provide wonderful tutorials. From gourmet dinners to paper crafts, they provide their readers with step-by-step instructions.

Today, my son made it abundantly clear that he has something he would like to teach the world. I will let TheBoy take over and provide such information.

DISCLAIMER: Inspired by actual events.

Taking A Bath: A Tutorial

Step 1. Make certain you have some "Alone time." One fabulous opportunity is when your mother is otherwise occupied in another room, say in the office showing your sisters something on the computer.

Step 2. Occasionally saunter in and out of the room occupied by your mother so as to provide her with a false sense of security.

Step 3. Use the potty.

Step 4. Even if your normal routine is to loudly shout, "Pee," after such an event in return for much applause, do not do that now. It is imperative that you abandon that routine. Instead, remain silent.

Step 5. Stick your head in the potty chair. Your success depends on two things: the amount of hair you have and how saturated you get it.

Step 6. When your mother comes out and sees you, proudly announce, "Bath." Be forewarned that she will look horrified. Her reaction is directly related to how many other children have come before you. If you are a first-born, be prepared for absolute shock and disgust. If others have come before you and had the chance to try out this trick, you can expect your mother to react in a far more rational manner. If you are not the first-born, you will most likely move on to step 7 quicker and with much less fuss. Oldest/only children should be prepared for far more screaching. Please remember to be patient.

Step 7. Sit back and relax while you're carried to the bath. Resist the urge to sit back too far, though, because doing so may result in a wet mother. A urine-soaked mother is NOT a happy mother. This may increase the amount of screaming and will therefore delay the conclusion of this plan.

Step 8. Enjoy your bath.

DISCLAIMER: Please be advised that this bath may come at a great cost. Enjoy yourself now, but note that parents and older siblings reserve the right to retell horrifying stories from your childhood at the most inopportune times. What may seem like a fabulous idea when you're 2-years-old could prove to be an excruciating story-telling experience for you in 15 years. The likelihood that this event will be retold is directly related to whether or not you bring a date to dinner.

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