Lots happening here. I'll try to cover it all in brief. Although, I admit that being brief is painful for your talkative host.
Heard from dh. He called on Thursday. The conversation was rather odd.
He was diagnosed with PTS last time he came home. I'm noticing some of the same signs again (although I suppose you can't call is "Post"-traumatic Stress when he's still in the thick of it). It's scary because I remember how awful that experience was. It was the only time in our marriage that we seriously discussed divorce. He wasn't himself to the point that he was dangerous. We worked through it, though. I'm proud that we worked through it. I'm glad we came out the other side. I'm terrified of having to do that again.
Recently, I realized for the first time how tempting it is to just run away from the whole situation. I was never prepared for this. It's not MY problem. I shouldn't be forced to deal with this again when I'm going out of my way to make sure dh feels connected to us, to make sure he knows he's loved, to make sure he knows how much we value him, to make sure he knows he's not alone. Just the thought of having to deal with the PTS issues again is stressing me out and dh doesn't come home for a few more months. I don't want to dread his homecoming.
If it was anyone else, I don't know that I would stick around. But it's dh and I love him dearly, so I'll stand beside him until we work through this again. I know it will be a struggle, though. It's only now that I've seen the signs again that I'm reminded of just how awful it was.
This time, at least I think I'll have a better handle on it. Last time, I was so terrified that the man I knew was gone forever. I made promises to dh when we got married, but this was NOT the man I married. Because of that fear, I did/didn't do things that I regret now. I wish I would have realized that the behavior was #1. not his fault. He wasn't trying to be hostile. His brain was just working differently as a result of the PTS and #2 not permanent. I really was scared that I'd never get him back--WE'D never get him back.
So much for that thing about brevity! I've already written a novel.
The summary is that I have heard from dh, but not nearly as much as I'd like and he's showing signs of PTS again. Been there. Done that. Will be selling commemorative t-shirts by the highway. Have absolutely no desire to do that again, but it looks like that's where we're headed.
After I spoke to him, I headed to a local pool with a friend. While there, we tried to feed our babies and wound up in the middle of a controversy. My friend was asked to leave because she was nursing. Um...no. We have specific state laws that allow for nursing in public. Lifeguards made a scene. We feared it would turn into a huge saga, but we've been pleasantly surprised to find everyone we've contacted so far is aware of the law, apologetic for the actions of the lifeguards, and sympathetic to our situation. I'm pleasantly surprised by how things have worked out.
We're both still nervous about going back to the pool, though. The lifeguards made it very obvious they were annoyed with us. One 16-year-old lifeguard asked, "Why are you making this an issue?" Mind you, we weren't. The lifeguards were the ones who kept harassing us. We complied when we could and politely told them when they were out of line. We explained we weren't trying to make an issue of it. We just wanted them to obey the law. We didn't want to start a crusade. We didn't want to cause a scene. We didn't want to expose ourselves. We only wanted to feed our babies.
What happens when we go back to the pool? We both wonder what's going to happen next.
Well, there you have it. My life consists of abrasive lifeguards and possible mental disorders. Hmmm...."Mental Disorders and Abrasive Lifeguards?" Sounds like a band.