Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Miserable

I'm miserable. I feel like a pathetic teenager waiting by the phone for some stupid boy to call.

I'm torn. I'm livid and desperately in love all at the same time.

I love my husband dearly. There are times when I'm frightened by how strong my love is for him. I thought it was just a cliché, but I really do fall more and more in love with him as time goes by. Then again, he has let me down in the worst way. He knows I'm scared. He knows I'm feeling things I don't care to share. He knows I need him. I've written to him to make absolutely certain that he knows all this. I'm fully aware of the fact that he can't read minds. While I would love it if he just knew exactly what I needed without me having to say a word, I realize that's not going to happen. So I've written to him repeatedly telling him exactly what I need.

I check my e-mail obsessively. I check my messages all the time. I have sisters who call me the minute they see Dh's "Online now" icon appear, only to have me in tears because by the time I find out about it, dh is already gone. Then he calls and we sit there in silence. I've told him all the things I need to hear from him. He says nothing. I have no words. Do you understand what a big red flag that is for me to not have anything to say? I've said it all. I've screamed. I've cried. I've whimpered. I've begged. I have nothing left to say. I'm done.

I'm falling deeper and deeper into this misery.

I was furious that dh left me alone when he knows I need him. I realize he has no say over where he's stationed and for how long. He's not responsible for leaving me physically alone. He is, however, responsible for leaving me--for leaving all of us, alone emotionally. He is responsible for pulling away. He is responsible for not writing. He is responsible for his silence on the phone when I need nothing more in the world than to know he loves me.

I'm still angry, but more than anything, I feel defeated. I love him so much. I wish his actions (or inaction) could change that. I wish I could shut down like him. I can't. I can't hate him. I can't just cut him off and forget about him. He's on my mind constantly. Every time I check for messages and find none, I'm crushed. So I'm left here more miserable than ever.

I want so badly to be held tightly in his arms while I cry. That's all I want. I don't need much more in the world than his love. Why is he denying me that now?

1 comment:

Nonny said...

I was just going around doing some stupid random commenting like "banzai", but then I read your post and it really touched me.