Just say, "No."

Stress just loves me.

A friend called me yesterday to ask me to watch her kids. I adore her and her kids, but I don't have time for this. She is, however, the same friend who brought me food when I broke my toe and then she came over the next day so I could go food shopping without the bigger kids.

You see, though, I never asked her to do any of those things. She insisted. So now I kind of resent being asked to help when I have so much to do.

I spent yesterday on the phone calling around trying to get help for dh and trying to find someone for me to talk to as well. I'll be perfectly honest, I feel resentful towards dh for forcing me into a situation where not only do I need to find a way to get help for him (a man in his 30s who should be able to take care of himself), but now I'm being backed into a corner where I need to speak to someone. I. do. not. like. shrinks! I've been down that road and it's not for me. Personally, I prefer to resolve my own issues. I've done just that for about 15 years in a much more satisfactory manner than any shrink ever has. Now, though, I have to turn to a professional #1. To give me the tools to deal with dh and his suspected PTS (I haven't heard a word from him in a while. He hasn't even asked about the kids) and #2. In hopes that a counselor will tell me that I am not, in fact, insane for expecting my husband to SPEAK TO ME.

So now I'm waiting to hear back not only from a counselor for me, but also from his commanding officers out there. I told them not to get anything started there, though. I'm holding out hope that dh will get help for himself. Maybe it's naive, but I still trust him to do the right thing. I'm not sure why. I'm absolutely crushed from this no contact thing, but I know dh (or at least who he is when he's home) and I know he's sweet, smart, caring, and insightful. I have always believed in him and maybe it just hurts too much to realize I can't do that right now. Regardless, I'm hoping he makes the right decision. I'm still hoping he'll contact us soon. If not, though, this train's moving forward.

On top of that, a dear friend got married this past weekend and is now moving cross-country with her brand new husband. That will take her right past my doorstep. She expects to be here tomorrow. I haven't seen her in years and I'm dying to, but that means I need to get this place cleaned up. It's a mess.

On Thursday, my mom comes out for a few days. She's staying here. So not only do I need to clean up the areas of the house that are open to the public, I also have to clean up the guest room.

I need to make all sorts of appointments to fit into the small window of time when mom will be visiting. I never get someone to watch the kids, so I need to really take advantage of these few days. That means spending the day on the phone calling everyone from the dentist to the hair salon.

Oh and let's not forget all the time I'm wasting on the damn computer checking for e-mails that never come and visiting MySpace to see when dh signed in last (it’s killing me to not know what he’s up to on a daily basis, but at least if I see he has signed in that day, I know that he was in front of the computer for a few minutes. I know he's still alive).

Adding to the list of stressors, last night I got no sleep. Well, to be honest, I got about 3 hours of sleep. I stayed up working on a gift for a friend. Then I continued to stay up to fix something I made for dh, but have yet to send. So I fell asleep around 1 am. Girl1 was up at 2 am whining that she was, "Afraid of the dark." At this point, I wanted to scream and punch dh ("Afraid of the dark," means she misses daddy). Instead, I got up and escorted her back to bed. She asked for one of the glow-in-the-dark stars off her bedroom door (I tried that the night before when she woke up afraid of the dark and wouldn't go back to bed). I gave it to her and we all went back to bed. At 5, the boy woke up. I nursed him and put him in the swing (the batteries are dead, but for some reason, it's the only place where he'll go back to sleep in the morning). Of course, I haven't been able to fall back to sleep after him, so after trying desperately this morning, I opted to get up and clean. Yes, I was cleaning at 6 am. No, I am very much NOT a morning person. Of course, the girls were asleep in their room and The Boy was asleep in the play room, so I was limited to which areas I could actually clean (of course not many of the areas that really need it).

And yeah, now I need to head to the gym as soon as the nursery opens so I can get back here in time to watch someone else's kids in addition to mine.

Oh and when I called my friend last night to ask her to bring the kids over around noon, I couldn’t get a hold of her and she never called me back. They don’t get moving until 10/11 am and I’ll be in the gym then without my cell. UGH!

I SO don't want to do this, but she helped me out. So I can't turn my back on her. My stomach is just in a giant knot right now because I very much do NOT want to do this.