Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Worried. Ecstatic. Depressed. Guilty.

So go my moods.

I got some fabulous news. It's great news, much better than I had hoped. It's wonderful dance on the rooftops news.

Although, now I'm feeling guilty and depressed because my reaction is all about me. I should be celebrating for someone else, but instead I'm horribly upset. Then I feel awful because I really do want to celebrate. I didn't think I'd react this way. I thought I could just be happy like everyone else. I don't want to make this about me.

But that's where my mind went and I can't get it out of that hole. I want to talk to dh about it, but I really would rather not dump emotional baggage on him now plus he's working, so it's not like he could call. Even if he could, he'd sit there silently. I know he doesn't want me to hurt, but I don't think he really understands how deep this pain goes. I'm not sure he wants to understand.

No one else gets it. So there's nowhere for me to turn. One friend has a better idea than the others, but she's not around. No one else gets it. Some sympathize and I'm so glad for that, but they just can't really understand. Although, I'm not sure I'd want to turn to anyone else because I know I must seem horribly ungrateful. I shouldn't be wallowing in my own misery. I should be celebrating for someone else.

I swear I didn't know I would go to this place. I had no idea. Now that I'm here, the one thing I want most is to be in dh's arms and that's just not possible. I want to get out of this house. I want someone else to come over. I don't want to be left here alone to mourn. But it looks like that's exactly what's going to happen.