Sunday, October 15, 2006

Crying, laughing, and more than a wee bit baffled.

What on earth is up with me lately? I randomly find myself either absolutely giddy over dh's impending return or devastated that he's not here.

Stomp through the wildnerness that is my mind with me while I analyze myself.

I think I must have shut down emotionally, just a wee bit, though. It wasn't intentional and it wasn't something I even noticed. This doesn't seem to have been a total shut down or anything like that. I think I just distanced myself a bit.

With dh's homecoming imminent, my subconscious seems to have torn down that wall. I didn't even notice there was a wall until I found myself staring at dh's picture a few nights ago in tears for the second time that week. Then I had to think to myself, "Wait. What on earth is going on?"

I think I was just spent emotionally after the hell that was August. Seems to me like I just needed a break from the constant flow of emotions. Kinda cliché metaphor, but from here, it seems like there was a river of fear that was just washing me away, so my subconscious put up a dam.

I didn't shut down completely. I just got a bit of a break.

Now the emotions are coming back. The slightest thing can make me cry. Memories of dh that were really just sort of blasé put a huge grin on my face. I feel like gathering all the people who have helped in any way shape or form and just hugging the stuffing out of them all.

I'm usually a very emotional person, but even I find myself thinking, "Woah, Dude, put the breaks on that already."

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