Thursday, March 29, 2007

This may be one of the strangest statements in the world.

Tomorrow, I'm going for a sleep study and I couldn't be more excited about it.

About 20 years ago, a doctor suggested to my mom that I should have a sleep study. My mother, the queen of the hypochondriacs when it comes to her kids (my oldest brother almost died as a baby and as a result, she was hyper-sensitive to the rest of us, especially me, the baby), refused to take me. She always refused that follow-up stuff which just baffles me. To be completely honest, when we were fighting my insurance company for this study (they initially refused it), I felt awfully bitter towards my mom. If she had just taken me in for that sleep study years ago, maybe I wouldn't have suffered all these years since.

Yesterday, I had one hell of an episode. I just wanted to sleep--needed it and Girl1 threw a fit. I completely lost control. It was fucking frightening. Then I really couldn't sleep last night because I felt so freaking guilty. I went in and laid down with the girls in their bed for a while. I don't know that I've ever felt that guilty and honestly, I deserve to feel that way.

When I get at least a decent amount of sleep, I don't feel like that. I don't behave like that. But this fucking insomnia is kicking my butt.

Dh leaves for training in a week. The thought of being here alone with the kids and no sleep scared me. I hate the person I become when I'm exhausted. I have no patience at all and I lash out. My kids don't deserve that.

So when they called today to tell me they got the green light from my insurance company AND they could get me in tomorrow, I damn near did a little dance. I'm so excited to finally get some answers and a real course of action. Drugs haven't worked for me. Herbs haven't worked for me. Behavior and environmental changes haven't helped. I really am very excited to see what the results will be. I'm gonna finally get some sort of answers. YAY!


Giselle said...

Hey, good luck. I totally know what you mean about turning into a terrible mom when sleep deprived. The Boy woke up at five forty five today, and the whole day sucked. I've got a bad case of the guilts too. Hope you get answers.

Kamrin said...

I have found that how good a mom I am is directly proportional to the amount of sleep I get. Love to you!