I hate to admit this, but I'm a bit worried about the impending birth. Last time around, I tried to convince myself that I could handle anything other than being cut open months too soon, but in reality, it never even crossed my mind that the baby would possibly be born in a hospital much less by a repeat c-section. When that happened, I was crushed.
This time, though, I have a better grasp of the situation. I have made as much peace as possible with the previous births. I still very much want a safe natural birth at home, but I now know that physical issues may make that impossible. I'm doing what I can and I'm making plans to see others who can help in ways that I can't.
Early on in the pregnancy, when I bought a birth pool, I had my reservations. I don't think I'm being pessimistic. I don't think I'm setting us up to fail. I'm just trying to go into this realistically. Before I bought the pool, I called my midwives to ask if the positioning in a pool would be okay for me (given my issues with my pelvis, there are certain preferred positions). They assured me it would. So now we have a birthing pool. When I walk past the box, I wonder.
The truth is that this is my last pregnancy. This is our last chance. Another c-section puts the baby and me in danger--particularly me since it will be my third. I desperately want to avoid that. I want to provide a safe birth for this baby. I want to believe that I will have a homebirth. I take great comfort in the stories of other mothers who have successfully VBACed in various situations. I stay on top of the research. I pray that my body will work as it should.
I stay positive. I am also realistic. I do what I can and pray it's enough. And we wait. I try to stay balanced and positive.
Until then, I truly appreciate any prayers or good thoughts anyone wants to send our way. I really do find a great deal of comfort knowing that others are sending positive vibes.