Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Confessions of a scared mommy

I hate to admit this, but I'm a bit worried about the impending birth. Last time around, I tried to convince myself that I could handle anything other than being cut open months too soon, but in reality, it never even crossed my mind that the baby would possibly be born in a hospital much less by a repeat c-section. When that happened, I was crushed.

This time, though, I have a better grasp of the situation. I have made as much peace as possible with the previous births. I still very much want a safe natural birth at home, but I now know that physical issues may make that impossible. I'm doing what I can and I'm making plans to see others who can help in ways that I can't.

Early on in the pregnancy, when I bought a birth pool, I had my reservations. I don't think I'm being pessimistic. I don't think I'm setting us up to fail. I'm just trying to go into this realistically. Before I bought the pool, I called my midwives to ask if the positioning in a pool would be okay for me (given my issues with my pelvis, there are certain preferred positions). They assured me it would. So now we have a birthing pool. When I walk past the box, I wonder.

The truth is that this is my last pregnancy. This is our last chance. Another c-section puts the baby and me in danger--particularly me since it will be my third. I desperately want to avoid that. I want to provide a safe birth for this baby. I want to believe that I will have a homebirth. I take great comfort in the stories of other mothers who have successfully VBACed in various situations. I stay on top of the research. I pray that my body will work as it should.

I stay positive. I am also realistic. I do what I can and pray it's enough. And we wait. I try to stay balanced and positive.

Until then, I truly appreciate any prayers or good thoughts anyone wants to send our way. I really do find a great deal of comfort knowing that others are sending positive vibes.


Phyllis Sommer said...

it sounds like you are doing everything to believe in yourself. that, i believe, is the key - trust your body and remember that the main goal is healthy mama and healthy baby....sending many blessings your way...

Robin said...


Sending strong comforting vibes your way.

TheFeministBreeder said...

I think it is natural to be fearful after the two surgical births you've already been through. I was so terrified at the end of my pregnacy. I was a wreck, actually. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't do anything but cry. But you're so much farther ahead of the game than I was. You have great support from a midwife who is going to help keep you safe and healthy. You won't have a doctor standing over you with a scalpel threatening you.

Take comfort in all the education and preparation you've done to prepare yourself for your natural birth. I know it's not easy to talk yourself down, but you are going to do this. I'm not normally a "positive visualization" kind of person, but I think it's mission:critical in birthing.


Erykah said...

I had two c/s; one that was traumatic and one that was as nice as surgery can be. I wanted a VBA2C because honestly there was no other way I could imagine giving birth. I had to do it, there was no try involved. And you know what, I did it. And you will too.

Set yourself up for success and in the end, realize you did all that you can for your health and the health of your baby!

Giselle said...

I am respectful of all the work you've done to process your journey. I hate saying "I'm proud of you" to other grown ups because who am I to take pride in someone else's accomplishments, but for lack of a better way to express it, I'm proud of you. You've done and are doing all you can to maximize the safety of yourself and the wee little one. At this point, all you can do is have faith and continue to walk the path. I am holding you in prayer daily.

Reiza said...

With my physical issues, I can't say that there is no other option. I did that last time around and found out that yeah, there was. I went in thinking there was no way I'd have another c-section, but, well, we see how that turned out.

I can't swear I'll have a VBAC because I know there's a chance I won't. I'm trying to be realistic, but I'm also very positive.

I think the prayers and good vibes must be working because I've been feeling very positive about it all lately. A great midwife appointment helped as does focusing on the positive. So far, so good.