Life Lesson #327

When using a neti pot, don't ever do so in a rush. If, you disregard my previous warning, do not, under any circumstances, in your haste, use FAR too much salt.

OH MY STARS AND GARTERS! The pain. The pain is searing and unending.

I learned this horrid lesson by experience the other night. I thought, "I've been doing this long enough. I know what I'm doing. It won't be a problem if I rush."

I'm an idiot.

I used way too much salt. My eyes burned for an hour afterward. My teeth hurt. Dude, my TEETH hurt. WTF? My cheek bones ached. My throat burned. My nose ran like a faucet and wouldn't stop. I wound up having to take a bath and immerse my head under hot water to get any relief.

Please, don't let my stupidity be in vain. Don't make this mistake. Now you know and knowing is half the battle.

Deep Thoughts from Patton Oswald

Yeah, I'm surprised to see that combo of words too. Still, his speech to the graduating class of his old high school, while a bit long-winded (he spends too much time rambling before actually getting into the heart of the message), is very interesting (in a good kind of way).

And now, the actual speech

Life lessons from around the seder plate

We attended the second seder at our old shul today. While there, I was amazed at the kids. We sat with a little girl that my kids know from camp. I've seen the mom around and I know the little girl, but I'd never spoken with them and I had never met the dad.

Our kids got along fabulously. This little girl is a very outgoing cute little kid. At one point, she led my girls in a game where they all hid a pen and pretended it was the aficoman. Later, the kids took a piece of matzah and created their own aficoman which they "hid." When the rabbi announced it was time to search for the real one, they presented theirs.

Rabbi knew what was going on (because this little girl is quite talkative and told him all about their plan beforehand), but he was impressed with their ingenuity. I was too.

There's a life lesson for you: Searching for someone else's aficoman can be fun, but being the mastermind (and seeker) of your own is just as rewarding. Sometimes more so because you don't have to waste time looking for it.

As a reward, the kids got Pesach stickers which are now plastered all over the place. I myself, was covered in 2 glittery frogs, 3 sparkly pieces of matzah and a disturbingly flashy pitcher of blood.

True Jew Confessions

Yom Kippur begins tomorrow evening. It's the Day of Atonement. In the days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, we are, among other things, expected to atone for our sins. While G-d can forgive the ways in which we have wronged Him, He cannot release us from the vows we have made (and broken) to other people (under typical circumstances). One of the reasons I do so love Judaism is because we have such a great responsibility to other people. We don't exist in a bubble of prayer and higher thoughts. We have a great responsibility to not only interact with others, but to do so in a just and fair manner.

I'm borrowing (because it sounds much better than "stealing") an idea from A Mother In Israel. I'll post my apologies to those who I have wronged online and/or through my blog.

I apologize for those times I have promised to tell you more later, but never did (why my sister was topless--She was very newly pregnant and a odd-timed bout with morning sickness had ruined her shirt or how I got a huge bottle of church wine from a former nun--The former nun is a very dear friend of mine who was given the wine by her priest and she in turn gave it to me).

I apologize for taking myself far too seriously.

I apologize for not leaving nearly enough comments on the fabulous blogs I read.

I'm sorry for posting rambling stories/pictures of children and animals. I realize I probably find them far cuter than anyone else.

I'm sorry that I can be so mean to my animals.

I apologize for threatening to sell my children on eBay (over and over and over again).

I'm sorry that really random things amuse me and I force you to read about them.

I ask you to do work for me and for that, I apologize.

I'm sorry my background is so boring.

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I'm sorry I focus so much on the negative in my posts and ignore much of the positive.


I feel I have a duty and a privilege to show certain parenting practices that I follow in a good light. I realize I don't always do that here and I'm sorry.

I know my posts don't always come off in the spirit in which they were intended. I'm sorry about that. The zeal in which I believe in my causes is not meant to make anyone defensive or guilty. If that has been the end result of any of my posts or comments, I'm very sorry.

I follow a number of blogs written by wonderful people. The life situations you work through, the way you raise your children, the way you inspire other people; I find it all amazing. I'm sorry that I don't tell you that more often.


Gmar Chatimah Tova

Thank G-d for the sane ones.

We have established that my family is nucking futs. This is not news. I've been aware of this fact pretty much from birth.

Sometimes, all the dysfunction sucks the energy right out of you. You just want to bury your head in the pillow and scream or better yet, shake the screw-up in question and scream directly at them...loudly....with speech full of expletives.

So, thank G-d, every once in a while, you get a little beacon of hope. On occasion, you're reminded that there are family members who posses both sanity and common freaking sense.

It gives you hope for humanity. Maybe tikkun olam is possible. Not everyone is cruel and idiotic. Some people are genuinely nice and smart and sweet. And you know what? They actually give a damn about others and live their lives to reflect that.

I was reminded today that I have someone like that. That helps pull me out of the funk that is my family drama and say, "Hey, we're not all certifiably insane." That gives me hope. It also makes me think, "There must be a G-d and He must like me. We've got a fairly normal one. That's a miracle if ever I saw it."

I love my family. Even if I don't agree with the decisions, I try to be there for them to the best of my ability. Knowing that there's a drama-free zone, though, is a lovely thing. Knowing that someone came out of this primordial ooze that is our family as a genuinely good person gives me hope.

Life lesson #347

People are not automatically idiots just because they happen to be male. I HATE when I'm trying to have a discussion (or even a rant fest) and someone says something like, "Well, what do you expect? He's a guy."

I actually said this one out loud the other day:

"A penis is NOT a mental deficiency."

Now you know and knowing is half the battle.

The day I burned down the microwave

Here's a simple equation: metal + microwave = BAD

For lunch, I put a frozen meal in the microwave. They usually leak, so, like I always do, I put a paper towel under it. Then I set the time and walked away.

Girl1 ventured out into the kitchen and announced something was burning. I assured her that wasn't possible (I just put the meal in a minute before), but I wondered. As soon as I stepped out into the sitting room, I knew she was right. I could smell it. Still, how on earth could it be burning?

Simple. We had a stowaway. What I didn't realize when I grabbed the paper towel was that a twist-tie was stuck to the bottom. By the time I got to the microwave, there was a twist-tie shaped burn all the way through 4 layers of towel. It also appears that our glass microwave plate may be burned.

It looks like everything should still work fine, though. There were no alarms set off, no dancing flames, no injuries.

As luck would have it, I just reminded dh (I say "reminded" because it sounds much less bitchy than "scolded,") a few days ago that metal and microwaves are not friends. Yeah. It figures!

Once more with feeling

And here's another one. I'm very obviously not a Christian, but Ann professes to be, so I thought this raised fabulous points:

Yeah, what he said.

"There's a legitimate debate to be had in this country. There are legitimate points of view on both sides of every issue...There are legitimate discussions that we need to have right now about all kinds of topics and none of them are gonna come out of her mouth...Anybody who is reactionary and who just hates because you are on the other side needs to be ignored and pushed out of the room and the discussion needs to be had by the reasonable people...."

Watch the video. I like what he has to say. I don't necessarily agree that we should make fun of her. I think we should ignore her. She's the idiot gradeschool bully who only beats people up to get attention. I think what she said was hateful (everything she says is hateful) and I don't believe in countering hate with more hate. Still, he raises good points.

Lessons from an experienced mom

If you find a brand new super cute blankie toy at a garage sale for less than a dollar, but said toy is no longer available in stores, do NOT under any circumstances encourage your child to form a bond with said toy.

Risks associated with this behavior include sleepless nights while said lovey is being washed, irritability (in both the child and parent) due to napless days for the same reason, and endless cursing when you find people out there are those who are chomping at the bit to take advantage of other parents who do such stupid things.