"I am no superman. I have no answers for you. I am no hero oh that's for sure, but I do know one thing, where you are is where I belong."

My thanks are extended to @Kblogger for tweeting lyrics to Dave Matthews Band's "Where Are You Going."

After yesterday's heavy post, I had no idea what to write. I don't want anything quite that heavy because, honestly, I'm STILL exhausted from writing yesterday's post. At the same time, I don't want to write about random funny things the kids said or product reviews or anything too frivolous.

That song, however, is one I listened to quite a bit during dh's deployments, so I'm using it as inspiration.

Yes, I stayed with my husband through the hell that is PTSD. I've been very open about the fact that I nearly left once. Well, twice, really, but the first time was after his first deployment to the Middle East and I didn't have this blog then.

I really do miss the man my husband once was, but I love who he has become. Yes, I liked my husband more before he was forever altered, but I admire him more now.

Where are you going
with your long face pulling down?
Don’t hide away like an ocean
But you can’t see, but you can smell
And the sound waves crash down

There was a long time after he came home when he wasn't himself at all. He lived inside his head. He still does this far more than he used to before he deployed. No, I don't like that one bit. He dealt with the physical distance by distancing himself. It's what he needed to do to cope. You can't just snap out of that after months and months, though. He's been home for years and he hasn't completely come out of that.

Yes, it leaves me feeling lonely. I've known loneliness when my husband was a world away. It's a far different type of loneliness when he's lying beside you at night, but isn't really there. I've told him, "I miss you," to his face. That is absolutely crushing.

I am no superman
I have no reasons you
I am no hero, oh that’s for sure
But I do know one thing for sure
Is where you are is where I belong

Still, he is there beside me at night. He could have decided he had no desire to stay with someone who pestered him to get help. He could have decided he had enough stress over there and could do without any from me. Family life is stressful as hell. He could have walked away. He didn't. True, he is far less patient with the kids than he was before he deployed, but every evening, you can find him reading bedtime stories to them all on one of their beds.

He does what he can. We just have to adjust our expectations of what he can do.

And above all, this line still rings very true for me,

I do know, where you go, is where I want to be.

It's been frustrating for me (and I say, "Me," not "Us" because the children don't remember what he was like before. I find that both crushing and comforting), but I've just had to be a support. I just stand by and watch. He's the one who has had to do the searching. He's the one who took the misguided drugs prescribed by the military doctors. He's the one who had visceral reactions to noises that reminded him of the desert. He's the one who still suffers physical pain.

Where are you going, where do you go?
Are you looking for answers
to questions under the stars?
If along the way you are growing weary,
You can rest with me until a brighter day
It's okay. You're okay.

No, he's not the same. He is better than he was in the months following his homecoming. Maybe some day he'll be more like the man I married over a decade ago. He's not the same, but he is "Okay." We're okay. Yes, I do mourn who he was and I feel lonely now and then, but I love that man! I love our life. Don't let my melancholy posts fool you. I love that man with so much intensity that it's overwhelming. We share a life. We share understanding. We share a deep love.

Tell me where are you going, where do you go?
Where? Let's go.

Veterans' Day: Every time we say, "Good bye," you're frozen in my mind as the child that you never will be again.

First and foremost, I present my previous ramblings about Veterans' Day.

I've always taken issue with the use of the phrase, "Happy Veterans' Day." There is no such thing!

I don't often let myself think about how being a veteran has changed my husband. On this day, though, there is no hiding from it. Last night was one of the rare nights when I let myself break down and cry about how becoming a veteran has changed him. He, however, didn't notice I was upset. He doesn't anymore. If he did, he didn't say anything about it. He doesn't do that either anymore.

The changes in him caused by PTSD as a result of his deployments go by largely unnoticed. Every once in a while, though, I'm painfully aware of how very different he is. Last night was one of those nights.

When he deployed, I stood there in tears clutching small children watching as my husband filed onto a bus and pulled away for the airport on two different occasions. The first time, I fell to the ground screaming crying while I clutched two toddlers--each arm around one. A mother I had never met came up to me, said nothing, but hugged me tightly. I cried as my husband was taken away. I had no idea that I would never see that same man again. I worried that he would never come back alive. I had no idea he could return, but so very very changed.

I stood at the airport, not once, but twice and ran to him when he came home, but the arms that held me tentatively belonged to a man completely altered by war. Even after therapy and drugs, he's not the man I married. I can never express how grateful I am that he survived those deployments. I worry that some will think I'm being whiny and ungrateful. I am so very thankful that he is alive. I have Sheheyanu-ed many many times. Still, I mourn for the man he was.

I love this man. Despite the hell we went through, I love this man. I have a new respect for this man who came home and was willing to work through these problems not once, but twice. But you know what? I loved the man he was too. I liked that man far more.

I miss the man who would rub my back in bed. I miss the man who would randomly reach out and hold me. I miss the man who was more aware of the world around him. I miss the man whose main interaction with his children was talking to them or playing with them rather than screaming at them. I miss the man who had enough patience to deal playfully with his children.

When TheBaby was born earlier this year, I saw glimpses of just how sweet and gentle my husband once was. He cooed at her. He held her and refused to put her down saying, "The others had to be without me for so long. She doesn't have to, so I don't want to make her."

With the others, he has very little patience. Yes, he's a good father and he loves them dearly, but he can't deal with them the way he used to. The "War,"stomped all over anything remotely resembling patience that he once had. It takes very little to annoy him. I find myself pleading with the kids, "Please don't even ask Daddy. You know how he gets."

Our poor son has it the worst of all. Dh was gone for TheBoy's first year and you can absolutely see the detachment. They butt heads a lot and dh often has no idea how to parent him. TheBoy is a good kid. He's smart and sweet and very stubborn. Dh adored him as a baby, but by missing so much of our son's first year, it created a rift.

After the first war-time deployment, when dh came home to our twins, they were initially a bit timid, but in only a matter of moments, they excitedly, "Daddy! Daddy-ed," at him. With our son, I placed him in dh's arms and while TheBoy didn't fuss, he obviously didn't know who that man was. TheBoy was the only one of our children for whom "Dada," wasn't one of the first words (it was both the twins' first word). When he did start saying it, it meant, "Telephone," because that's all he knew of his daddy.

I feel badly complaining because my husband is still a great man. He parents. He helps at home. He supports me in our decisions. He's generally a nice guy. But you know what? The man I married was even better. The man I married was gentle. This man is gruff. The man I married was sweet. This man ignores. The man I married wanted to be a more attached and loving parent than his parents were. This man calls his children, "pain in the ass" behind their backs and is more likely to yell AT them rather than talk WITH them.

This man is a veteran. The man I married is gone. I hate Veterans' Day because today, of all days, I'm thankful for my husband's sacrifice, but I'm painfully aware that I traded the wonderful man who was my husband for this man who is so very changed--this veteran.

The title is from this song.

Ruby Tuesday: Valentines Past

I needed inspiration, so I found Ruby Tuesday. I then went on a brief hunt around the house and found those red hearts. They're on a Valentine's Day card my paternal grandfather gave my grandmother many moons ago (there's no date in the card, so I can't be certain of exactly how old it is).

That card sits on a shelf in my hallway. While my grandmother passed away long before I was born, I've been told I remind people of her. My mother swears my grandmother would have loved me.

My grandfather was an alcoholic. Both of them were actually. My mother's father drank himself to death (literally. He died of liver cancer alone in a pauper's hospital). My father's father straightened himself up and was sober for many years.

I've heard my mother rave about how my paternal grandmother suffered through her husband's alcoholism without a complaint. My mom always seemed to think this was ideal. I, however, never liked that one bit. My goal is to elicit change, not sit by placidly like a good little girl with my hands folded neatly in my lap.

Old photos of my grandmother show a lively spirit and quirky sense of humor that always spoke to me. I absolutely see myself in those examples. But the quiet little complacent wife? Not so much.

Then, my father (whose collection of family stories is unending) told me a tale that helped endear me to my grandmother more than ever before. Apparently, my grandfather and one of his brothers decided to play a trick on my grandmother. Quite some time after grandpa stopped drinking, he and my great uncle came staggering home pretending to be drunk. When my grandmother saw and heard them heading down the walk, she grabbed a baseball bat and chased them away, swearing the whole time and refusing to let them near the house if they'd been drinking.

Now THAT I can absolutely see myself doing. And I suspect that is a more accurate picture of my grandmother.

FTR, my grandparents were madly in love until the end. She saved some of her wedding flowers pressed in a memory book. She had a hope chest full of cards he had given her over the years. The first morning after they were married, he took a picture of the first meal she ever made for him. He photographed her often and in all those images, the love and awe he felt for her is obvious. More than 30 years after they were married, she suffered a heart attack while dancing in his arms and she died.

The Whines of a Former Military Wife

I'm going to whine. Consider yourself warned.

(big sigh)
I miss my husband. Yes, he's here. I feel guilty making that statement when he isn't deployed. Hell, he's not even active anymore. Still, after working through PTSD (times two), he's not the man I married. We got through the worst of it, but it has changed him.

Lately, I've been painfully aware that there are small fleeting moments where the man I married would have hugged me, reached for my hand, or put an arm around me. The man he's become does none of these. He still loves me. He's still one of the rare good men out there. PTSD just stripped him of the more affectionate side.

I know I'm very blessed to have such a wonderful husband. He's smart. He's kind. He has moral standards. He doesn't see me as a cook/housekeeper. He's willing to work together with me.

It's just that, I miss him. I miss who he was. I love this new guy, but it's just not the same. In those brief moments where I still expect him to reach out, he doesn't and I'm painfully aware of what's missing.

Nice people ROCK!

Dh's little cousin (who is all grown up now, but was about 10 years old when I first met her) is going through a rough time. I've been pretty open with you all about the difficulties we've had this year. Well, dh's cousin is facing her own troubles and on top of that, she's pregnant and expecting a little boy in October.

I've tried asking for help for her a few times and Twitter and while I got lots of RT's (retweets), I didn't get any offers to help, until recently.

Grudgemom has put together a nation-wide baby shower for dh's cousin. You can read more about what she's going through at that link.

If you can help in any way, please do. If you can afford to, please buy something from the registry. For all my beloved Etsy sellers, if you make children's items and would like to send one their way, please do. If you're not on Etsy, but you make children's clothes/items, we would greatly appreciate your help. If you would like to donate hand-me-down clothing, please do (just remember they're in Florida, so they don't have much need for snow suits). If you'd like to do something other than the registry, please contact me (comment here or send an e-mail) and I'll help you out. I'm sending her some books, a box of nursing pads, the few newborn diapers we have (we never had many), and some boys' clothing, but unfortunately, TheBoy's newborn clothing is almost all for cold weather. Our financial situation is improving, but there's not too much we can spend, so I'm trying to pass along what I can.

A huge THANK YOU to Grudgemom and RG Natural Babies. And a big thank you to everyone who can help in any way.

All you need is love common sense.

Love is a great thing. Love is a useful thing. Love makes the world go round and all that crap.

Love, however, is not enough. In all matters, one must have common sense. I can't tell you how many couples (younger and older) I knew who opted to get married because they were in love. They overlooked lots of issues (large and small) because, "We're in love and that's all that matters." The vast majority of those people are no longer married today.

I see such a huge lack of common sense in the world today. People love fiercely. They love their spouse with all their heart. They smother their children with love. They love their diety of choice in a frightening manner. Yet they lack any common sense.

I admit that I, too, have wondered where the hell I left my common sense. I've had those moments. There's no denying that. My life, however, is not one big common sense vacuum. My religious beliefs, my political beliefs, my love is not a vacuum wherein no common sense can exist.

That, however, is not the case for many people and this scares the hell out of me.

"Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe." Frank Zappa

" I will name him George and I will hug him and squeeze him…and pat him and pet him…and rub him and caress him… and he will be mine, my George"

Parenting books and articles can suck. They can contain out-dated information or just generally piss you off. Every once in a while, though, they can strike a nerve and help you out.

Months ago, I read a brief little article about a mother who hugged and kissed her children often. When they were growing up, a family member pointed it out and wondered if it wasn't weird. The mom assured her it was fine and continued to do so. Now, as adults, her children report that the affection let them know they were loved.

This made me wonder if I hug and kiss my kids enough. I kiss the baby all the time, but the bigger kids, not so much.

Today, after hugging and kissing the baby, I thought about that and went in to do the same for the bigger kids. The hugs and kisses were returned.

Then it occurred to me that I must be doing something right. They didn't recoil. They didn't ask, "What was that for?" So I'm assuming that the fact that the kids accept it so readily as a normal occurrence is a good thing. I don't feel the need to slather them with kisses and suffocate them with affection all day every day. I do, however, want to make an effort to show them they're loved and to make sure that stays a normal part of their lives.

Happy Mothers' Day

I hope all my mommy follower had a happy Mothers' Day. For any followers dealing with infertility who are not yet mommies, know you're in my thoughts and prayers.

This morning, the family brought me breakfast in bed--real breakfast cooked by the husband. So I was able to avoid the joy that is burnt toast. :-) Dh bought me the 7th season of Gilmore Girls. Yay. The absence of Gilmore Girly Goodness in my life has been very apparent recently. I miss the wit and wisdom shared by Rory and Lorelai (and the occasional great lines thrown in by others in Stars Hollow). There were a few episodes I missed, so I'm thrilled to get the DVD's. We went out to lunch and then got coffee.

I'm glad I have this blog, because it allowed me to take a walk down memory lane with the ghost of Mothers' Days past. Oh, I am SO glad that this year has been very different. Bigger kids (and a complete set of kids which I didn't know if we'd have back then), a husband who is not deployed, and sleep--GLORIOUS sleep.

"You ought to be happy a whole heaping lot for the places and people you're lucky you're not." Yeah, we're the same people, but I'm thrilled we're not in the same position.

Despite some frightening health issues, my mother is still with us. Bubbe's Alzheimers has worsened, but physically, she's healthy. Plus, I hear that now, she smiles all the time. She has moments where her old self shines through, but overall, she can no longer remember the past, which for her, means she no longer lives with her fear from Germany. This is a blessing.

This Mothers' Day, I'm thankful for the little things; hand-made cards and kisses and I'm thankful for the big things; health, memory, and home.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways (and eat the cookies).

My husband rocks. He has been on super daddy duty ever since I had the baby. I lost a lot of blood and was put on bedrest. He's home for 2 weeks to help. I'm not supposed to leave the bed/couch for much of anything. On the few occasions I've tried, I've gotten very tired and sore very quickly.

He's done all the laundry even though it has taken forever (again, please vote for us so we can get a new washer and dryer), he's taken the baby when she wakes up in the morning so I can get some more rest, he's handled the late night diaper changes, he's had to make all the meals, he's kept the kids corralled in the playroom so that I could rest, he's done all the running around, he's done all the food shopping, he's done all the cleaning. He's doing it all.

On Sunday, he went food shopping and came back with my favorite candy bar (remember, I was on the GD diet during pregnancy, so I wasn't able to have sweets). Later that day, I woke up to him handing me a cookie--a freshly baked cookie he made from my favorite cookie dough he secretly bought and not only did he bake the cookies for me, he even saved me some dough too (my favorite). Oh and he did all this while holding the baby so that I could get a nap.

I'm typing now with free hands because he's cuddling the baby.

We've been through some really rough times together, especially when he came home from deployments. So I'm particularly grateful to see this side of the man I love. I realize how truly blessed I am--how blessed we all are.

The wee one took pity on me and decided enough was enough. No more torture for the mama. Instead, WE HAVE A BABY.

She (yes SHE) was born last week. It's a girl--a gorgeous chubby little girl with wisps of hair and bright blue eyes.

She was born at home. No cutting me open this time. My body did it on its own. I pushed her out myself (with the midwife's help) and then reached down and grabbed her to pull her up to my chest. That was something I desperately wanted--to have my baby on my chest. Every other time, my babies were whisked away from me either in a rush to the NICU or just to another room so I could be put back together. I have never even held my children in their first hours. In that time, I was always lying flat on a table while doctors sewed or stapled me back together. This time, I wanted to know what it was like to have the baby immediately come from inside me and rest on my chest from the outside. I got just that and it was amazing.

Dh cut the cord. That's something he has never done before and something I always hoped he would. This time, he did.

There were many recitations of the Shehecheyanu. I said it over and over again. I can't tell you how many times I said, "Oh thank G-d." As has been the case with all my children, the first words I spoke to my daughter were the first few verses of the Sh'ma.

When it was over, dh and I went to bed--OUR bed together, the same bed where our youngest was born. I was on my side, he on his, the baby sleeping between us and we held hands and stared at her completely fixated and in love (with her, with each other, with life).

Our baby is here. She is healthy. She had the best possible entrance into the world. She helped fullfill so many dreams and hopes.

In all my life, I have never felt so powerful. I have never felt so in awe. I have never felt so thankful. I have never felt so close to G-d.

Oh the joys of Craigs list (hat tip to Gina)

The Feminist Breeder left a fabulous link in the comments on my previous post on marriage. I simply must share.

10 reasons why gay marriage should be illegal

Save Straight Marriage

This is from 2004, but I just came across it now and oh boy is it pertinent now.


Connie Rice Commentary: How to Save Straight Marriage

The Tavis Smiley Show, March 2, 2004 · Rice's other proposed laws or constitutional amendments, inspired by President Bush's proposed amendment outlawing gay marriage:

10. Fair Housework & Childcare Act -- Requires married men to do at least half the housework and child rearing duties, or face being charged with a class-C felony.

9. 'Til Death Do Us Part Amendment -- Outlaw divorce. Heterosexuals get divorced at the drop of a hat. It's the 50 percent divorce rate in the United States that’s the mortal threat to marriage, not gays and lesbians.

8. Scarlet Letter Amendment -- All divorced persons will have a scarlet "D" tattooed on their foreheads, which can be removed only upon permanent re-marriage to their original spouse.

7. Serial Marriage Crime Act -- Divorced persons who remarry and fail to stay married are subject to the category 63 mandatory minimum sentencing guideline: life in prison.

6. Gold Digger Prevention Act (AKA the "Bling-Bling Ban") -- All women selecting husbands solely by an accumulated assets index shall forfeit all claim to their mates' wealth and be forced to take a vow of poverty.

5. In-Law Limitation Act -- In-laws can only visit their heterosexually married children once a year.

4. Mistress and Intern Prohibition Act (AKA the Condit, Clinton, Gingrich, Hyde and Livingston Act) -- Do what the Seventh Commandment says. You want to promote the sanctity of marriage? Outlaw extramarital affairs. Also, no members of Congress who have had flings can vote on this act when it comes to a vote -- it'll be a short roll call.

3. Marital Security Act -- Put LoJack locator devices or electronic bracelets on all husbands who travel to play basketball, attend other business meetings or just leave the house on weekends.

2. Desecration of Marriage Act (AKA the Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, Jimmy Swaggert Prevention Act) -- All heterosexual persons who make a mockery of marriage with absurd behavior shall be subject to mandatory minimum sentencing guidelines for category 37: 30 years imprisonment.

1. Leave No Child Unborn Act -- To encourage the real purpose of marriage -- which according to President Bush is to provide stability for raising children -- birth control will be outlawed for married couples, who henceforth will be required to produce progeny within the first five years of marriage... or explain to Karl Rove why there's no children.

Bonus:

Procreation Facilitation Act -- All married mens' prescriptions for Viagra will be tax deductible.

Stunning photograph

I am in awe of this shot of Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rosi.

Isn't that the most stunning image you've seen in a while?

For the longest time, I've wanted to create or at least buy a bumper sticker that says "Marriage = Love" to combat those annoying "Marriage = man + woman" stickers. After seeing that photograph, I think it would be perfect to have something that read, "Marriage =" preceding that picture.

A lovely gushing thank you letter to my dear sweet son.

As I've mentioned, I've been ill as of late. I've been horribly congested which means no sleep for me. Coughing and that horrible "Can't breathe because I'm drowning in my own mucous" feeling keeps me from sleeping at night. Even taking two OTC sleeping pills at a time doesn't help much at all.

There is, however, a higher power who likes me and my son does as well. I can manage to fall asleep around 7 am. The big kids are up by then, but they can take care of themselves. Typically, this would be a disaster because it would give me only about an hour of sleep before the baby is up for the day. TheBoy goes down at 7 pm and is typically up around 8:30 am. Sometimes, on the weekend, we get lucky and he'll allow us all to sleep later, but it's his routine to be up around 8:30 on weekdays. This was endlessly useful when I was going to the gym. When I'm stuck home with a cold, though, not so much.

Ever since I've been sick, TheBoy has been sleeping until at least 10:30 am. Oh dear sweet child, THANK YOU. I need that little extra bit of sleep oh so very much.

Today, he was up around 6:30, just before dh left for work. I thought the worst, but nope. Thanks to my lovely husband, my dear sweet son and the grace of G-d, it all worked out. Dh took TheBoy to the potty. He went then insisted, "Go play now." Dh nixed that idea and put him back to bed where he went back to sleep and has been sleeping ever since. Have you seen my time stamp? It's after 11 am.

And yes, a choir of angels did sing.

What's better than that? The child is still taking naps during the day. Granted, it's not the 3 hour naps he usually takes, but he has still been napping for 1-2 hours. Given that he's sleeping at least 2 hours later than usual, it's a miracle that the child is napping at all.

Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU.

Thursday Thirteen: 13 things I sent my husband

My husband was active duty military until very recently. The first time the military took him away from me (which was before the September 11th attacks), I made him a little box filled with trinkets to remind him of home. That box now lives in our son's room, but ever since I started doing these TT's, I've wanted to post about that box. Today, I have my chance.




Thirteen Things I sent my husband


1..... A ruby slipper earring to remind him, "There's no place like home."






2..... A shell we collected from the beach when we got married. He was gone for our anniversary, so I sent him that to remind him that I'd be thinking of him on that day even if we couldn't be together.









3.....Oh the foreshadowing! This is actually a pin I had from Operation Desert Storm. I included this to remind him that he was always on my mind. I had no idea that the future held another "War" and more deployments to frightening places.






4.....Corny as hell, I know, but I sent him a key because he had the key to my heart.








5.....I sent him this star to remind him that I made wishes for him on stars all the time.









6.....I did this drawing back in middle school. It was actually done on a book cover. I always liked it, so I saved it all these years. I sent it to him to remind him that I missed him.








7.....This is an angel earing I had. I sent it to him to remind him that I was praying for him.








8.....(not pictured) It's no longer in the box, but at the time, I included a burnt match that I had used to light the shabbas candles in his absence. I explained in the letter sent with the box that it was also a promise of the shabbas candles we would once again light together in the future.

The rest are fortunes we had saved which I included in the box. They're not pictured, but I'll share the text.

9.....You make people realize that there exist other beauties in the world.

10.....You have the ability to adapt to diverse situations.

11.....Good luck bestows upon you. You will get what your heart desires.

12.....Follow your heart's desire.

13.....Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.

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The cupcakes are calling me.

We don't usually do anything for Valentine's Day. First of all, it's really a Christian thing and we, very much, are not. Secondly, ever since high school, I have felt like it's a scam created by the greeting card industry in an attempt to coerce us into buying shiny, red, and/or sparkly crap we don't really need. Because nothing says, "I love you," like an armful of dead flowers. Besides, we should tell our nearest and dearest we love them all the time, not just on one anointed day simply because Hallmark told us to.

Ever since I had children, though, that has started to change. We're no longer bound to the Hallmarkian idea that the day is about showing off your love in some grand fashion. Instead, it's about hand-colored cards for your friends and cutting out heart decorations for the house.

In addition to all this, for some unknown reason, I've had cupcakes on the brain lately. And so, today, we headed to Target to grab some cake mix, frosting and those little paper cupcake cups so that the kids and I can make cupcakes for Valentine's Day.

Completely OT, but would someone please explain to me why Target brand Jello is kosher, but Wal-Mart's is not even though the majority of Wal-Mart's store brand items are?

So a cake mix, frilly paper cups, and pink vanilla frosting (with sprinkles) are all playing nicely in my kitchen. The problem is, we got them for Valentine's Day. That would be Thursday. Today is only Monday. My stomach, however, pays no heed to calendars. I want those freaking cupcakes.

This is going to prove to be very very difficult.

If you should find me covered in pink frosting and sprinkles, please don't tell my kids. Shhhhh. If you keep my secret, I promise to share the love in cupcake form.

Thursday Thirteen: useful super powers

Thirteen very useful superpowers




1…. The ability to stop time.

When I had a matching set of colicky babies and a husband who worked nights, I often had the urge to touch the tips of my pointer fingers together in an attempt to stop time so that I could get some FREAKING SLEEP. Yes, I admit to trying it once or twice. It never worked, but oh how I wish that it did!

2....an extra set of arms

I believe that with each child under 6, you should get an extra set of arms. As a child, I had an irrational fear of having my hands amputated (don't ask. I have no idea), so when I was very young, I taught myself to pick things up with my toes. After having twins, that little trick turned out to be very useful. Of course, not everyone was as bizarre of a child as I was, so the extra set of arms would probably be more useful.

3....Teleportation

Have you ever tried to fly 2000 miles with small children? Yeah, not fun. Have you ever had to endure a 2-week long visit from your in-laws who feel the need to respond to all of your parenting practices with the mantra, "We didn't do that and our kids turned out just fine?"

Just think, if we were our own Scotties who could beam us up, we could travel to distant places without the fear of high prices for plane tickets; tiny bathrooms with no space in which to change diapered bums; 20 minutes in which to race to your connecting flight which takes off from the gate that is the farthest possible distance from where you are; and without the need to pack 12 bags of snacks and 3 bags of toys to keep the children quiet enough so as not to piss off your fellow passengers. Also, we would not need to endure long visits from others because they could pick up their freaking toys and go the hell home on a moment's notice.

Yes, I see the potential for this to be abused and I do have very Harry Potterish visions of my in-laws using the floo powder and showing up in my fireplace unannounced, but shhhhhh, it's my fantasy.

4.... Silent stare (aka STFU stare)

I want the ability to quiet anyone down simply by glaring at them. One ticked off glance would leave my victim....um...er...child or the idiot at Wal-Mart in utter silence.

5....Force fields

I want the ability to create a force field around the baby's room which no noise, no child, no light, no animals could penetrate without my permission. One of those would also be useful around our room during, "GO THE HELL AWAY," time.

6....Instant replay

I want a random screen on which I can instantly replay actions/words. That way, when kids insist, "But SHHHEEEEE did it, not me," there would be no discussion. We would go to the tape and that would settle that. When the husband insists, "But you never told me that, " I could whip out the board, scroll through a transcript of our conversation and highlight the exact moment at which I did, in fact, tell him that.


7....the Force

How useful would that be? You sit there nursing the baby and have that book/phone/steak dinner fly to you. Don't have enough hands to carry all those bowls? No problem, just use the Force to get them on the table. While at the office, your child's preschool calls because you forgot your child's lunch. No problem. From the comfort of your own desk, you can use the force to snatch that Spiderman lunch box right off the counter and have it waft into his cubby. Are those annoying kids at your front door again trying to get you to buy magazines? Use the force to throw stuff at them without even having to open the front door. You stay comfortable. They go the fuck away. It's a win-win situation for all.

That Darth Vader choking people from a distance thing could prove useful for the same situation.

8....Mind reading

I cannot tell you how many times dh and I have asked, "WTF were they thinking?" If I could read their minds, I wouldn't have to wonder, I would know.

9....A search feature for my brain

When I can't remember where I left the kids' school work/my keys/our library books/my youngest child, it would be great to have a little drop-down search feature which would retrieve that information without me having to backtrack through my entire freaking day in an attempt to find where we left our things/family members.

10....Invisibility cloak

I realize that's more of an enchanted item of clothing rather than a super power and I can see the potential for problems (see #9), but damn it, sometimes, I just want to be invisible.

11....Romantic gravitational pull

I want some sort of power that elicits love and sweetness from those around me. From my kids, it could be hugs, kisses and cute works of art just for me. From my husband, it could be back rubs and candle-light baths. From my friends, it would be words of encouragement, boxes of chocolate, and offers to watch my children.

12....Rewind

When I say/do something stupid, I want the ability to go back and try again.

13....The ability to make yummy (calorie and fat-free) Chinese food instantly appear

The kids are currently doing worksheets about the Chinese New Year, so I have that on my mind, but I love Chinese food regardless.




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Stomping through my archives in an attempt to provide you with more information than you ever thought necessary.

I've seen this meme on other blogs, but Robin left it open so that one need not wait to be tagged. Since I still have nothing new of substance to share with you, I figured I'd go back and give this a shot.

Here's the deal, you stumble through your archives and find posts that fit these 5 qualifications:

Link 1 must be about family.
Link 2 must be about friends.
Link 3 must be about yourself, who you are… what you’re all about.
Link 4 must be about something you love.
Link 5 can be anything you choose.


Here are mine:

Link 1: Milk, it does a soul good (family)

Link 2: (friends)
My deep thought for the day And let me add, I no longer see that particular friend, but I think of her often. She was the FABULOUS one who planned this surprise party for me just after dh deployed. If you're still out there and still reading, I miss you, we all do.


Link 3: I'm going to cheat and post two

a) Shove it up your... (me) Yes, my children are the topic of it, but I don't think you can read that and NOT learn something about me.

b)The Truth is Out There (Those are the answers to a true/false game I played)

Link 4: (something I love) I'm cheating yet again and posting 2.
a)Another benefit of breastfeeding: Breastmilk contains sanity

b) Feel the love

Link 5: Restoring my faith in humanity (anything)

I'm adding a random bonus post just because I can. While looking through the archives, I found this which I had completely forgotten about: I fought the curb and the curb won. That's why I was on crutches in 4b. I think that one tells you a bit more about me.

There ya go. Hopefully, that helped you all learn something new about me. It was fun (and sometimes painful) to look through my archives.

I'm tagging Giselle (who needs to get her butt back and blog), Kamrin and Suzie

“Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart”-Kahlil Gibran

I've always thought my kids were cute. I'm their mom. I'm supposed to. It's natural.

Every once in a while, though, I'm struck by how stunningly beautiful they are.

There were times when I nursed TheBoy that I stared into his gorgeous eyes and just got lost. There I was nourishing his body, his soul and those wonderful trusting eyes stared up at me with such innocence and such love.

I had similar moments with my girls. Babies are at their most beautiful when they're at the breast. You see those sweet chubby cheeks bouncing and those big gorgeous eyes staring up at you brimming with contentment and love. With my twins, though, their first interactions with each other were at the breast. For the longest time, they didn't seem to realize they were separate beings. They never showed a conscious awareness of the other one. Then, one day, while I nursed them both on either side, one reached over and grabbed the other one's hand. Their gazes shifted from me to each other. While they continued to nurse, they flailed their little arms reaching out for the other.

Over the past few days, I've been overwhelmed by my children's beauty.

I recently got some pictures of them that I just adore. I looked at the photographs and was shocked by how gorgeous they are. I always thought they were cute, but I've gotten lost in those pictures and I've been left wondering, "When did you grow into such beautiful beings?"

Today, we went to story time and I was struck by it once again. The big kids made such a point of helping their little brother without ever being asked. They treated him so gently and so motherly. I have two sisters who have spent their entirely lives trying to physically injure each other, so I'm particularly thankful for and in awe of the connections I see between my children.

Earlier this morning, TheBoy took something that belongs to Girl1. I held my breath and waited for the eruption, but rather than scream at him, she spoke very sweetly to him and she let him have it without a fight.

I've made a point of pulling the big kids aside today to tell them how proud I am of them. And I am. They're absolutely gorgeous, both inside and out. I'm so very grateful for and so much in awe of them.

The dream lives.

On Today's episode of Oprah, they featured people keeping Dr. King's dream alive. One story was about two unlikely cousins.

Vy, An African-American artist from Harlem found she and Marion, a white elderly cattle rancher from Missouri were cousins. When he first contacted her, he did not know she was African-American. It's unclear from the show or the article whether he was made aware of that, but there's footage of them meeting at the airport for the first time and it appears that's when he first learns of their differences. He throws down his coat, gives her a big bear hug and says in an astonished tone, "Cousins? Isn't that beautiful!"

That left me breathless and in tears. Their differences could have been startling or shocking or even disconcerting, but no, he found their differences and their ties beautiful. How wonderful!