Irim commented on my last post asking what I want. Good question.
I had a rough weekend and am continuing to have a difficult time as I'm learning more information which really stabs at my soul moreso than anyone realizes.
When I think about what I want, I could probably rant for days. And so, here's day 1.
I want a support system that is there for me when I really need it. I don't want to be left alone in difficult times or joyous ones.
I want people to find useful and appropriate ways to deal with the drama within their lives so that they can function.
I find myself trying so desperately to help others only to find I'm left lonely in the end. Where's my help? Why am I the one to call with problems or questions, but I'm not always extended the same luxury? I want the same respect.
When I decide, "Enough. I need to focus on my family and myself, not someone else's issues, " it's seen as a slight to someone else. I want them to take that as a the announcement that I need a break and then see that as chance to work on themselves, to work on their own issues, not as an insult.
I don't want to make people feel degraded or slighted. I do want the words to explain how I feel and what I think.
I want people to realize that some of the shit they pull is not okay. At that moment when I realize I have been let down AGAIN, I want the people responsible to see my immediate reaction so that maybe they'll finally understand how much I need them, love them and want them there with me. I also want them to fully appreciate how much it hurts when they leave me alone at moments of importance because if they had any clue how badly that abandonment burns, they certainly wouldn't do it over and over again.
I want a magic wand to wave. I want to scream. I want to punch people in the face. I want to extend olive branches. I want to never again know what it's like to be abandoned that way. I want to jump up and down screaming and cursing. I want to stay in bed all day and never have to get up. I want a break.