Thursday, February 07, 2008

Thursday Thirteen: useful super powers



Thirteen very useful superpowers




1…. The ability to stop time.

When I had a matching set of colicky babies and a husband who worked nights, I often had the urge to touch the tips of my pointer fingers together in an attempt to stop time so that I could get some FREAKING SLEEP. Yes, I admit to trying it once or twice. It never worked, but oh how I wish that it did!

2....an extra set of arms

I believe that with each child under 6, you should get an extra set of arms. As a child, I had an irrational fear of having my hands amputated (don't ask. I have no idea), so when I was very young, I taught myself to pick things up with my toes. After having twins, that little trick turned out to be very useful. Of course, not everyone was as bizarre of a child as I was, so the extra set of arms would probably be more useful.

3....Teleportation

Have you ever tried to fly 2000 miles with small children? Yeah, not fun. Have you ever had to endure a 2-week long visit from your in-laws who feel the need to respond to all of your parenting practices with the mantra, "We didn't do that and our kids turned out just fine?"

Just think, if we were our own Scotties who could beam us up, we could travel to distant places without the fear of high prices for plane tickets; tiny bathrooms with no space in which to change diapered bums; 20 minutes in which to race to your connecting flight which takes off from the gate that is the farthest possible distance from where you are; and without the need to pack 12 bags of snacks and 3 bags of toys to keep the children quiet enough so as not to piss off your fellow passengers. Also, we would not need to endure long visits from others because they could pick up their freaking toys and go the hell home on a moment's notice.

Yes, I see the potential for this to be abused and I do have very Harry Potterish visions of my in-laws using the floo powder and showing up in my fireplace unannounced, but shhhhhh, it's my fantasy.

4.... Silent stare (aka STFU stare)

I want the ability to quiet anyone down simply by glaring at them. One ticked off glance would leave my victim....um...er...child or the idiot at Wal-Mart in utter silence.

5....Force fields

I want the ability to create a force field around the baby's room which no noise, no child, no light, no animals could penetrate without my permission. One of those would also be useful around our room during, "GO THE HELL AWAY," time.

6....Instant replay

I want a random screen on which I can instantly replay actions/words. That way, when kids insist, "But SHHHEEEEE did it, not me," there would be no discussion. We would go to the tape and that would settle that. When the husband insists, "But you never told me that, " I could whip out the board, scroll through a transcript of our conversation and highlight the exact moment at which I did, in fact, tell him that.


7....the Force

How useful would that be? You sit there nursing the baby and have that book/phone/steak dinner fly to you. Don't have enough hands to carry all those bowls? No problem, just use the Force to get them on the table. While at the office, your child's preschool calls because you forgot your child's lunch. No problem. From the comfort of your own desk, you can use the force to snatch that Spiderman lunch box right off the counter and have it waft into his cubby. Are those annoying kids at your front door again trying to get you to buy magazines? Use the force to throw stuff at them without even having to open the front door. You stay comfortable. They go the fuck away. It's a win-win situation for all.

That Darth Vader choking people from a distance thing could prove useful for the same situation.

8....Mind reading

I cannot tell you how many times dh and I have asked, "WTF were they thinking?" If I could read their minds, I wouldn't have to wonder, I would know.

9....A search feature for my brain

When I can't remember where I left the kids' school work/my keys/our library books/my youngest child, it would be great to have a little drop-down search feature which would retrieve that information without me having to backtrack through my entire freaking day in an attempt to find where we left our things/family members.

10....Invisibility cloak

I realize that's more of an enchanted item of clothing rather than a super power and I can see the potential for problems (see #9), but damn it, sometimes, I just want to be invisible.

11....Romantic gravitational pull

I want some sort of power that elicits love and sweetness from those around me. From my kids, it could be hugs, kisses and cute works of art just for me. From my husband, it could be back rubs and candle-light baths. From my friends, it would be words of encouragement, boxes of chocolate, and offers to watch my children.

12....Rewind

When I say/do something stupid, I want the ability to go back and try again.

13....The ability to make yummy (calorie and fat-free) Chinese food instantly appear

The kids are currently doing worksheets about the Chinese New Year, so I have that on my mind, but I love Chinese food regardless.




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11 comments:

Krissy said...

How about the ability to make your body act the way it is supposed to when it is misbehaving??

Neen said...

Love them.

MondaythroughSunday said...

More arms would be GREAT! Also "rewind"..yep..would be great!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

I could use all of these and some more than others. I like the invisibility cloak. I would love that one. Have a great TT. :)

Pixie LaRouge said...

But I *DID* give you the phone. And here's the proof. (in other words, sisters with cameras are as good as rewind screens LOL)

Phyllis Sommer said...

this is an awesome list. i wish i had all of those powers!!!!!!

chanpheng said...

My favorite one is the extra set of arms. They should be able to function independently, so you can drink coffee and take a shower at the same time.

damozel said...

That's brilliant---so funny. I don't have kids but I can think of a few uses for "the glare." And I'd love to have the ability to make Chinese food appear.

TT#23 |  13 New York Photos (Part I: Around Town)

Bloggers said...

that is awesome. I would love to have a super power.

The Mama Bear said...

Outstanding list for TT

Nicholas said...

I'd like to have all those powers. I'd settle for just a few of them in fact.