Parenting and helplessness

We feel helpless at times when we have children. It's just part of the packaged deal. We do what we can, but there are things that are out of our hands. I expected that when I had children.

What I did not expect, however, was to feel so helpless in regards to my PARENTS. They are the adults. They are the ones who look out for me. Now, suddenly, it's the other way around and that's terrifying.

My parents are elderly and they are far away. My mother, however worked full-time until she lost her job fairly recently. My father still works full-time. They have never been the frail types that come to mind when one pictures an older couple.

So it was a particular shock when my mother had surgery recently and she found herself in a number of very dangerous situations--all of which could have been avoided if someone was there to help. If I could have been with her, there was so much I could have done for her. They live much too far away, though, so that wasn't an option.

My mother is making ridiculous decisions which are costing them a lot of money. No, she doesn't suffer from dementia of any sort. So I didn't expect it and don't understand it. She's wasting money due to stupid decisions. Yes, among other things, my mother fell prey to that stupid Acai berry scam. I thought everyone knew to avoid it. My mother, however, did not, and was charged several hundred dollars. She recently got it in her head that she MUST do something RIGHT NOW in a manner which would obviously waste money. I tried giving her suggestions for another way to go about it and she agreed I was right, but refused to change her plans. What I thought would waste a few hundred dollars wound up actually costing her THREE THOUSAND. She does NOT have the money to pull this.

I should pause here to offer my gratitude to decent people. She tried to hire someone to do something (that doesn't need to be done and will cost about $10,000). One person gave her a ridiculous bid. The next, though, came out and actually told her that doing what she wanted would be a waste of money. That meant that this man did NOT get an easy job where he could have bilked her for quite a bit of money. Instead, he was honest and put her welfare before his own income. She actually listened to him and canceled those costly plans. Thank you, kind sir. You will never know how much we appreciate what you've done.

Most people, however, are not like that. And so, here I sit, far away, wringing my hands and yelling into the phone when trying to talk sense into my mother doesn't work.

Get a job!

Dh is at his in-person interview for that job right now.

Think good thoughts, people. We need this.

2pm UPDATE: He was gone for 3 hours. He took 3 tests and did 2 interviews. He should get a call some time today letting him know if he was picked to continue on. If so, there will be more interviews tomorrow. Keep sending good thoughts.

4/28 UPDATE: He got the call and went today for the second and final portion of the in-person interview. We should hear if he got the job by the end of the week. If you've been holding out on us, please please PLEASE send prayers/good thoughts/job vibes now. Tell your friends about us and ask them to do the same. Tell strangers about us. Have a direct conversation with G-d and plead with Him (or her depending on your religious beliefs) to help us out.

And the mess gets messier

This has been at the head of a very bad mood of mine recently. After carefully planning and being responsible all these years, we're in trouble.

Dh just found out that his company has lost the client who supplies 90% of his work. He's ALREADY down to 1/3 his usual pay.

Just figuring our mortgage and basic grocery bills, his current pay doesn't cut it.

Add to the fact that dh's knees are really bothering him lately (military injury, but they won't cover the cost of any care), but he won't see a doctor in large part because of the cost. And add to that the fact that we have three children, soon to be 4. We have a baby on the way very very soon. What happens if this birth doesn't work out and I wind up in the hospital with another c-section? We have insurance, but we won't be able to cover our portion.

Dh has already been looking for a new job, but with no luck. I've been searching around the house trying to find any newer items we can return and instead use the refund for groceries or more necessary items. I'm planning on selling my kids' toys out from under them because we need the money. But that won't be enough.

Does he go back to Active duty and this time, I stand there with FOUR crying children as the military sends him off for yet another deployment? Do we raise yet another baby who thinks "Daddy," is a telephone? Will they even take him back with the injuries they caused, but refused to acknowledge at the time (they "lost" his medical paperwork documenting the cause of the injuries)? Can he stand to go back to that way of life? Is Active duty even an option?


What do we do? What can we do? Now what?

I started to accept the mess I'm in. I know that mess spelled backwards is 'ssem' and I felt much better armed with that information." Tori Amos

I'm recycling that post title from one 3 years ago. It's fitting.

I've been reluctant to blog about this. I've been reluctant to speak about this. I've only told two friends and just within the past week. The economy is kicking our butt in ways I never imagined and it's scary.

We have always been very responsible when it comes to money. We have a money market account into which we file away a percentage of our income every month. While we do give ourselves some leeway, we don't spend money frivolously. We discuss all big purchases and anything over $30 is a big purchase. I ALWAYS look for a deal on kids' items and we buy consignment when at all possible. We have health insurance because not having any is not an option. If there's a medical emergency, we will not be solely responsible for insane bills. Remember, my daughters' birth and NICU stay was over $200,000 which was completely covered by Tricare. Each time, before we started trying to conceive, I insisted we have a certain amount of money saved--enough to tide us over should we need it.

Well, thanks to the state of the economy and a bit of a catastrophe we dealt with a while ago (about which I didn't feel compelled to blog), we're hurting financially and it kills me. Dh's income has suddenly dropped to 1/3 of what it was. I realized the other day that we now qualify for food stamps. How in the hell does that happen? How does that happen to us?

Our money market account is almost gone. Every month, I've had to transfer money to our checking to pay our bills. And our bills are NOT extravagant. We no longer have cable. We get our books and DVDs from the library. The only things I've bought for this baby have been from the clearance racks and even then, not much at all. I haven't bought anything for the bigger kids at all with the exception of shoes they needed all of which were on clearance. We're not eating out at all.

We have a baby due in a matter of weeks. I'm more than a little scared now. We were financially safe when we started TTC and even through most of this pregnancy. Now, though, not so much and that worries me. I asked for stroller/bouncy seat recomendations, but when I saw a bouncy at a rummage sale for $8 the other day, I thought, "We can get by without it." Dh and I were considering looking at strollers at a consignment sale in 2 weeks, but now I don't think we'll get one at all. We can't afford it.

This is killing me. We've always been responsible with our money. The only designer clothing our kids have ever worn came from garage sales or were hand-me-downs. We are not the types who take trips to exotic locations. Hell, our only family vacations, with one exception for which my parents' paid, have been to visit family (and even that aforementioned parent-funded Disney trip while dh was deployed was actually to visit cousins we hadn't seen in years). Yes we have what I consider luxuries, but we have the bare minimum (cell phones, but no internet access, fancy phones, or text plan).

Anything that costs money has to wait. We've had to put off major and minor repairs because we don't want to spend the money. When the kids were sick a few weeks ago, I didn't take them to the doctor because I knew they'd all be charged the $150 fee each for first-time visits in addition to any prescriptions we'd need. Yes, our insurance helps, but not enough. And yes, if the illness had gotten worse, I would have taken them in, but just the thought of having to balance my kids' well-being with what we can/can't afford killed me.

This lack of money is breaking my heart. My mother had some serious health issues lately. All I wanted to do was jump on a plane to help her, but we can't afford it. My FIL's cancer is back and he's nearly halfway through with his radition. I know a visit from the kids would lift his spirits, but we can't do it. Bubbe is getting worse. When she passes away, we cannot afford to go to her funeral.

Our whole lives are now on hold because we don't know what to do. We don't know what we can afford to do. We were supposed to move closer to family after the baby is born (remember, the military left us in a state where we have no family), but we don't know if the house will sell given the current market and the downpayment we had saved for another house is gone. We had to use it to pay for gas and food.

Luckily, we're getting some money back from taxes. Dh's work load has picked up quite a bit in the past week. We know we have more money headed our way. That has me sighing with relief (at the rate we're going, our money market account would have only lasted us another 3 months before it's gone). Still, I'm terrified. I don't know what to expect. We're trying to be proactive, but this all came on so suddenly. What do we do? What can we afford to do?