tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27822310.post3787078974938708455..comments2023-05-25T09:55:41.906-05:00Comments on Stepping Off the Spaceship: R-E-S-P-E-C-TReizahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07411331845012114174noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27822310.post-91083882834906997202009-05-11T20:58:00.000-05:002009-05-11T20:58:00.000-05:00Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for all the sugg...Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for all the suggestions. What a great discussion! I really appreciate this. <br /><br />I completely agree about dh being the one to deal with his family. We've always handled it where we each deal with our own parents. Problem is, after years of this, dh often just tunes them out. Also, I'm far more social than he is, so my in-laws come to me rather than him. My FIL cornered me in the office with that kosher remark when dh wasn't in here with me. They have a knack for making completely inappropriate comments when he's not around. If they're here for an hour and he's in the bathroom for 45 seconds, it will be in that time they say something inappropriate. <br /><br />We won't see them again for a while, but I'm definitely tucking these suggestions under my hat. When we do see them again, we'll be able to have a plan of action. <br /><br />Thanks again. This has been great.Reizahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07411331845012114174noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27822310.post-18805097745956535142009-05-11T19:08:00.000-05:002009-05-11T19:08:00.000-05:00During a La Leche League meeting, after several of...During a La Leche League meeting, after several of us saying how we feel we have to hide certain parts of our parenting philosophies from people who judge us, one leader told us her tried and true phrase is, "We do what works for us." Simple, direct and doesn't allow room for much further dialogue. Not saying it would necessarily work for your situation, but it's a term I've come to love.<br /><br />I'm in a similar situation with someone who doesn't respect my religion by continually saying things and using terminology that I find offensive. Thus far I've treated it with silence and complaints to my hubby :-)Krissyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09058695927707849568noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27822310.post-18862314844399326632009-05-11T18:34:00.000-05:002009-05-11T18:34:00.000-05:00I like mother in israel's approach; it allows for ...I like mother in israel's approach; it allows for the possibility of bringing it into the open but on neutral terms. But I also think that Chavi is correct -- you may just have to ignore it.<br /><br />I think both ladies have great suggestions. While I was reading your post, I wondered if taking G-d out of the discussion with your FIL would help. I don't know that it would, but you could (perhaps?) humor him and say something like, "You know, even if what you say is true, and it's all a crock, it's not hurting anyone for us to keep kosher. There's nothing unethical or immoral about it. So even if one can't accept that it is a mitzvah from G-d, you should be able to accept that this is our lifestyle."<br /><br />One more thought -- and since I'm a new reader here I don't know the full relationship btwn your ILs and your family -- but you may want to address at least part of this more aggressively. If your FIL is saying inappropriate things to your kids, you (or your DH) have every right to pull them aside and speak to them (harshly?). You can state that they are welcome to their beliefs, and to their view of your beliefs, but they have NO RIGHT to subvert your parenting and lifestyle choices in front of the kids. If they have an issue, they can discuss it with you. But doing it with the kids is a no-go, a non-negotiable situation."KosherAcademichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05075807420153056643noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27822310.post-64932402308792650832009-05-11T15:48:00.000-05:002009-05-11T15:48:00.000-05:00"precious time we have WITH you." ARGH. Just saw t..."precious time we have WITH you." ARGH. Just saw that. Sorry. xxPragmatic Mystic https://www.blogger.com/profile/08877990361303745003noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27822310.post-73836711246141900952009-05-11T15:29:00.000-05:002009-05-11T15:29:00.000-05:00I don't know your ILs, but how would, "You seem to...I don't know your ILs, but how would, "You seem to find this very hard to accept, which makes it difficult for us and the kids, and ruins the precious time we have for you. This is our way of life, and we would appreciate the same respect we give yours, but it seems to be difficult for/upset you. How can we help you do that? And if we are to help you do that, we need to know what makes our way of life so hard for you."<br /><br />That MIGHT get them to open up, might not. But it's worth a try. xxPragmatic Mystic https://www.blogger.com/profile/08877990361303745003noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27822310.post-83629917587747560812009-05-11T14:45:00.000-05:002009-05-11T14:45:00.000-05:00I don't know if this will work, but here's my sugg...I don't know if this will work, but here's my suggestion.<br />First of all, it's your husband's parents so he should be the one to talk to them. It's his job to protect you from their criticism. (If it were your parents it would be your job.) <br />I suggest that he meet them in a neutral place at the beginning of their next visit. He can bring up the issue, "When you come over, you mention the fact that we keep kosher quite often." Then let them talk and get it all out. He needs to listen and rephrase--to show that he hears. At that point, he could say that both he and Reiza are committed to keeping kosher and he would like them to stop discussing it at family gatherings. He could say that the constant comment make their visits unpleasant. Both of you are so happy to have them, the kids enjoy it, etc., but you are not going to change your mind about keeping kosher and they need to stop bringing it up whenever they visit. And he needs to repeat that as many times as necessary.mother in israelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13715046177293916034noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27822310.post-75044005236791163322009-05-11T14:38:00.000-05:002009-05-11T14:38:00.000-05:00Chaviva, you're absolutely right.
"With people wh...Chaviva, you're absolutely right.<br /><br />"With people who have a retort to everything, there is nothing you can say that will seem logical or that can bring peace."<br /><br />I can't think of a way to explain that yes, there do seem to be historical reasons that are consistent with the laws of kashrut, but that's not all there is. I can't find a way of explaining that, though. <br /><br />I think I am going to try something next time where we just say, "We know the history. We know the religious context. This is what we believe." <br /><br />I need to find some way to make him stop it, though. I'm afraid he's going to put the kids on the spot and I don't think that's fair to them. We have yet to find a way to make him cut it out.Reizahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07411331845012114174noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27822310.post-84048739168627930662009-05-11T14:33:00.000-05:002009-05-11T14:33:00.000-05:00What a tough situation. I live far enough away fro...What a tough situation. I live far enough away from my non-Jewish parents and family that it's never come up, but they're really open to explanation regarding these kinds of things. My boyfriend's family, some religious Jews, some not, often poke at us, however, but usually not regarding food since most of the family stuff happens at the home of grandparents who do, in fact, keep kosher. <br /><br />In this case, however, it seems to me that there is no easy or practical answer to get your FIL to understand or accept how you live your lives. With people who have a retort to everything, there is nothing you can say that will seem logical or that can bring peace. It seems to me that the only thing you *can* do, is to just let it go. There is something there that your FIL is letting eat at him, and it will eat at him until he either learns to deal with it and apologizes for how he's treated you, but more likely than not, it will continue like this until he (g-d forbid) passes. <br /><br />You'll have to simply respond, "This is how we live our lives, you do not have to agree with it, but it is necessary for you to accept that this is how we live." If he feels like arguing, let him have his words and let it roll off you, knowing that whatever his problems are with how you live, they probably have nothing to do with you. <br /><br />I know this doesn't help, but I think we all have these kind of situations where someone chooses to ignore the reality of a situation in hopes of angering the other person into argument or action.Chaviva Gordon-Bennetthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03332712096317076482noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27822310.post-730506564496443942009-05-11T13:50:00.000-05:002009-05-11T13:50:00.000-05:00Irim, I agree that I've seen some of that in my MI...Irim, I agree that I've seen some of that in my MIL. She seems annoyed that we're more observant than she is. My FIL, however, converted and only did so for marriage. He is not now nor was he ever interested in being Jewish. But my IL's don't consider themselves to have worked free of Judaism. The family still considers themselves Jewish. <br /><br />I don't know my FIL's religious history (he was raised Lutheran and yeah, I know about Lutheranism and anti-Semitism). He's never struck me as a religious person, so I don't know if he feels betrayed by G-d or if he even believes in G-d. That's a good point. <br /><br />So if that's the case, what in the world can I say to him? He seems to be offended by the thought of G-d. That's why I don't know what will happen if I use the idea I just mentioned. I wonder if he'll just call us stupid for being comfortable with G-d and religious observance. I'm willing to try, though and see if it helps.Reizahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07411331845012114174noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27822310.post-72097925171214318882009-05-11T13:45:00.000-05:002009-05-11T13:45:00.000-05:00I want to add that one of my tweet peeps (I'm such...I want to add that one of my tweet peeps (I'm such a geek) http://www.ourlifeupstate.com/ had a suggestion. She said that she explains her religious differences by saying, " I have to do what I am comfortable with and I am sorry if it makes them uncomfortable."<br /><br />I wonder if that would work. I don't know, but I'm willing to try. Will file that away for the future. And a big thanks for the suggestion.Reizahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07411331845012114174noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27822310.post-76460725027621090012009-05-11T13:44:00.000-05:002009-05-11T13:44:00.000-05:00Hon, this very much reminds me of the reactions th...Hon, this very much reminds me of the reactions that people have when they are *angry* at religion or a religious figure - perhaps one they've chosen to leave spiritually if not actually choosing something else - for some reason they felt betrayed by G-d; betrayed by the restrictions they felt it had placed on them via family; etc. They may have felt that they fought their way free only to find that their son and his family returned - and THAT may feel like a betrayal, which would explain their reaction. I have to say, if I ever had a daughter who chose to return to Islam, I'd be 100x worse that your ILs.<br />So...that's a long winded way of saying - it sounds like there's a ton of pain there masquerading as anger - do you know the backstory? xxPragmatic Mystic https://www.blogger.com/profile/08877990361303745003noreply@blogger.com